you know that feeling when you see your ex and he is with some one else?
actually, i'm not sure if he was "with" this girl, or if she was just hanging out with him and his roommates. at the end of the day, it's probably exactly what it looks like. regardless, i'm just an adolescent retard in disguise and am never really prepared to see him, even when i know beforehand that there's a good chance we're going to end up at the same parties/shows.
although last night, i was looking way cute. my mom had purchased me some nice clothes for warmer weather, and i was wearing those and had styled my new hair cut. new shoes. even a little eyeliner, HA! my roommate was waiting in line for the bathroom, and she had a clear view of him standing a few feet away, and she said that when i came into the room, she saw his eyes follow me around until i passed right by him. (my heart lept into my throat when she told me this later in the night.) a split-second of eye contact, an awkward, blowoff "hey." from my lips, and i was continuing on my way to get in line next to my roommate.
i'm glad my roommate went with me. it was at the same west humboldt loft that i had been to for after hours a few weeks back, only this time there was bands playing and a lot of people there. we took a cab there, and when we got to the place, the cab driver asked if we knew where we were going b/c "this is a really bad neighborhood." i told him thank you for the concern, but yeah, we just going across the street. at the end of the night, we called two different cab companies multiple times and no one would pick us up. other people were having similar difficulties. finally, a group of five of us were able to flag down a cab outside. we all piled in together b/c we were going back to the same neighborhood.
the spring semester ended last week, and i am looking forward to some free time. i decided to withdraw from school for summer session, so i will be taking metra to work and then coming home right after. i'd like to pedal to the beach, drink beers on the porch. i'd like to say i want to meet some one, and i guess i do, but the truth i don't want anyone else. i'm still very emotional about the dissolving of my relationship with giuseppe, and its so immature of me that its been this long and i'm still crying to myself about it, mostly at night. sometimes when i'm in the car by myself, once at school, often at lunch time when i'm sitting in the break room alone. maybe i'm just supposed to be alone. i've felt alone my whole adult life except for when i was with him. i have a huge desire to just leave. disappear. go away for a while. take a break.
the new off with their heads is perfect in my opinion. totally pysched to see them at sub-t in june.
i've been watching myself turn from bad to worse
i've been locked up in the basement putting bad habits first
won't answer my phone cuz i wanna be left alone
shed off the skin that makes me (???)
i'm not alive
i'm just as good as dead
i can't find a reason why i should even get out of bed
just make it stop just make it go away
i'll give you everything i have if you've got the right words to say
i can't get by on what little's left in here
if i can just get away from my shadow then i'm in the clear
then it'll all stop and it'll all go away
i'll be everything i was everything i wanted to be
outta my mind and outta your sight
so i just drive
it doesn't matter where
i put foot to the floor let the wind blow through my hair
i'll never stop there's nothing for me out there
i'll be on the road to (???) while it all fades in the mirror.
i have wanted to go on a cross-country bike trip for many summers. i promised myself i would do this before i turn 30. its no big deal if i do it after 30, but this would be the last summer i could do it within my personal deadline. i have put it off for the past four summers for reasons that don't matter....work, school, not wanting the hassle of finding a sublet. you know, stuff that shouldn't really matter when its all said and done. i want this trip to come to fruition this summer. i purchased tix for a show on a saturday in june, and i could leave the next day. take a train to portland with my amtrak frequent rider miles, dip my wheels into the pacific, and start pedaling east.
out west would be the most challenging b/c of the mountains. granted, i would get to zoom down them. plus, there would be lots of opportunity for side trips such as hiking and white water rafting. the plains would be nothing but hard pedaling, trying to out-pedal a thunderhead. the east is also mountainous, but also pretty. i'd probably be pretty burnt out by this part of the trip and just want to get done.
maybe i'll meet people along the way. maybe i'll find some place that i really like and everything clicks.
the trail is 4250 miles long, and starts in portland, and ends at the atlantic ocean in virginia. i could easily knock this out in time to start back up for school in august. if i go 100 miles a day, that would be 43 days of pedaling, and i would take some days off--for weather and also the first day of my period b/c it makes me sick as hell. i can either buy a tent and sleeping back from REI or i can rent. i will buy a knife and some kind of multi-tool like either swiss army or leatherman. if i go pac-atl, then i could potentially end up in virginia in time for best friends fest.
i have discussed this plan with my roommate a few times. she has been very encouraging. and its not just bullshit encouragement, either. she is fearless and has lived all over and gone on many adventures. australia, europe, southeast asia, new zealand. i get a little more inspired when i talk to her about it. if i truly do want this trip to happen, its up to me to make it happen.
i am enclosing a video of off with their heads performing self check out in a basement.
sick of going out of mind every time i see
somebody that looks like you
its killing me
because i think you're there for me
and when i realize your not it's back to (??)
so please take note i'm going crazy
did you get a chance to read the letter i sent to you
or did you throw it away cuz of everything i put you through
i guess i understand
just realize i'm looking for help from a friend
and you are the only one i can trust
i wanna tell you about how i tried so hard to keep it all on the right track
i wanna tell you about the times i fuck up and wake up flat on my back
i wish i could call you to pick me up
i know its too much to ask so i sit up and light up a cigarette
and i tell myself over and over again
it was all just dream
and its time to come clean
and its time to move on
no matter how hard it seems
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