Today is Memorial Day, unofficial kick off to summer, and its raining and mid 60s in Chicago. No prob. I'm kinda grateful for the justification in staying in the house. I actually feel alright today. I went to see Dopamines and Teen Idols at Sub-T last night, and it was a sweet show. There was five friends in attendance from STL, and it was nice to see them.
The Dopamines set was awesome in that everyone there was singing and dancing and having a good time. They closed with INHAWBFY, which was a pleasant surprise. When they closed with that song back in March, I figured it was a nod to Brad who was in town with his band, but I guess they have been closing their sets with it all along. not complaining.
before dopamines was doppleganger. i will admit that i don't care for them too much. i don't know if it was the erg behind the kit or what, but their set last night was the most entertaining and best i've seen them. also, they closed with pray for rain, which was a huge surprise. i was a little surprised mike went for it, but everyone on the floor went nutzoid.
the headliner was teen idols. a lot of people left before they played, which was kinda sad. but i enjoyed their set. the people that did stick around were waaay into it, and they played the best songs from their catalog. i'm not into older dudes. at all. but phillip is a total dream boat.
afterwards i went to afterhours party, and things got straight ridic. i did not overindulge, but a lot of people there did. i ended up leaving at like 5am. sun was coming up and i was just returning home. slept til just after 11. want to make sure i am able to sleep tonight b/c i have to work tomorrow.
i feel alright today. there was lots of opportunity for weirdness at the show and afterhours but i didn't let anything get to me.
undecided what i want to do for july 4th weekend. off with their heads in is tampa that sat and i'd like to go to that show and visit my sis. found out that D4th of july is still on, with slow death and dopamines and banner pilot. that would be totally rad. i don't have anyone to stay with in mpls this year since randall got married and his wife is having a baby in august. some people from chicago might be headed up that way. i will see them at shows coming up and ask them about organizing to drive there and get a hotel and whatnot. that might be the best bet b/c florida is dang hot and mpls is awesome in summer. its going to be light out until like 1o3opm. so excited!
still on the fence about going to school this summer. i registered and paid for it, but still might drop. it would be the best choice for my present state of mental health, although there is a good chance withdrawing from summer session is going to screw me over in the semesters to come.
i have decided to take a leave of absence from work. spoke to a manager about taking extended vacation time due to stress/general feeling of burn out, and he was was pretty much like, just tell us when. so that is good. i'm thinking take off all of july and half of august and start back up when school starts and lab partner and i return from our bike trip.
still need/want a boyfriend but also don't. getting excited about doing cool shit this summer. mostly partying. i have been in denial about it for a few years, but not anymore.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
"Double it, and I'll pretend to enjoy myself"
so this dude offered me $2500 to have sex with him. and i smiled and said "i don't think i'm comfortable with that type of situation." situation being he would take the role of the sugar daddy and pay me to go out dinners/lunches/general companionship, followed by two or three hours of sex. he would compensate me monetarily for my time over the course of several dates per month. how is this not prostitution? how is this not exploiting a situation/a woman?
i was somewhat surprised, especially since i don't understand the difficulties i have meeting reasonable dudes my own age. the key words being 'my own age.' i'm not into older dudes. at all. i don't think i could even begin to pretend to enjoy myself. i can only think of it as banging my uncle or one of my dad's friends. and there is absolutely no way that shit is ever going to happen. the only way i'm getting down with a 55 year old dude is when i'm a 55 year old chick.
i've been thinking about this for the few days since it was propositioned. not about going through with it (i cannot stress enough that there is absolutely no way that shit is ever going to happen), but more how i am perceived that a person would think its okay to ask me that.
i know there are a lot of girls who are involved in situations like this b/c they need money or help with rent/bills/etc. i've always thought girls who were voluntarily involved in sugar daddy type situations were either fucked up, lazy, or both. i'm neither. again, maybe that's why saying "no way!" wasn't even a decision.
then i got angry for a few hours. mostly angry about feeling exploited. yeah, i'm on my own, working two jobs to just scrape by, paying my way through school. clearly, i could use the money, but i don't think that i should get involved in what i consider an inappropriate (not to mention creepy and utterly disgusting) relationship for the sake of getting out of my situation. $2500 is twice as much as i make in a month. if i had money like that coming in, i would not have to work, and i could take more classes and focus on studying.
then i felt hurt. like i came off as weak, and this person is a predator, looking to take advantage of younger women who are in certain financial hardships. and i had previously thought of this person as friend b/c we hung out a two times, purely platonic (again, dude is like my uncle or one of my dad's friends), but that was so he could 'evaluate' me to see if i would be some one he'd be interested in supporting in exchange for a relationship.
then i felt shame.
it blows my mind that some people have money to burn on stuff like this.
i can't begin to imagine how awful i'd feel about myself if i actually went through with something like this. acutally i can. i would feel nothing but hatred. hatred in my heart. hatred for myself, and hatred for men.
i was somewhat surprised, especially since i don't understand the difficulties i have meeting reasonable dudes my own age. the key words being 'my own age.' i'm not into older dudes. at all. i don't think i could even begin to pretend to enjoy myself. i can only think of it as banging my uncle or one of my dad's friends. and there is absolutely no way that shit is ever going to happen. the only way i'm getting down with a 55 year old dude is when i'm a 55 year old chick.
i've been thinking about this for the few days since it was propositioned. not about going through with it (i cannot stress enough that there is absolutely no way that shit is ever going to happen), but more how i am perceived that a person would think its okay to ask me that.
i know there are a lot of girls who are involved in situations like this b/c they need money or help with rent/bills/etc. i've always thought girls who were voluntarily involved in sugar daddy type situations were either fucked up, lazy, or both. i'm neither. again, maybe that's why saying "no way!" wasn't even a decision.
then i got angry for a few hours. mostly angry about feeling exploited. yeah, i'm on my own, working two jobs to just scrape by, paying my way through school. clearly, i could use the money, but i don't think that i should get involved in what i consider an inappropriate (not to mention creepy and utterly disgusting) relationship for the sake of getting out of my situation. $2500 is twice as much as i make in a month. if i had money like that coming in, i would not have to work, and i could take more classes and focus on studying.
then i felt hurt. like i came off as weak, and this person is a predator, looking to take advantage of younger women who are in certain financial hardships. and i had previously thought of this person as friend b/c we hung out a two times, purely platonic (again, dude is like my uncle or one of my dad's friends), but that was so he could 'evaluate' me to see if i would be some one he'd be interested in supporting in exchange for a relationship.
then i felt shame.
it blows my mind that some people have money to burn on stuff like this.
i can't begin to imagine how awful i'd feel about myself if i actually went through with something like this. acutally i can. i would feel nothing but hatred. hatred in my heart. hatred for myself, and hatred for men.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
what if searching is better than finding?
you know that feeling when you see your ex and he is with some one else?
actually, i'm not sure if he was "with" this girl, or if she was just hanging out with him and his roommates. at the end of the day, it's probably exactly what it looks like. regardless, i'm just an adolescent retard in disguise and am never really prepared to see him, even when i know beforehand that there's a good chance we're going to end up at the same parties/shows.
although last night, i was looking way cute. my mom had purchased me some nice clothes for warmer weather, and i was wearing those and had styled my new hair cut. new shoes. even a little eyeliner, HA! my roommate was waiting in line for the bathroom, and she had a clear view of him standing a few feet away, and she said that when i came into the room, she saw his eyes follow me around until i passed right by him. (my heart lept into my throat when she told me this later in the night.) a split-second of eye contact, an awkward, blowoff "hey." from my lips, and i was continuing on my way to get in line next to my roommate.
i'm glad my roommate went with me. it was at the same west humboldt loft that i had been to for after hours a few weeks back, only this time there was bands playing and a lot of people there. we took a cab there, and when we got to the place, the cab driver asked if we knew where we were going b/c "this is a really bad neighborhood." i told him thank you for the concern, but yeah, we just going across the street. at the end of the night, we called two different cab companies multiple times and no one would pick us up. other people were having similar difficulties. finally, a group of five of us were able to flag down a cab outside. we all piled in together b/c we were going back to the same neighborhood.
the spring semester ended last week, and i am looking forward to some free time. i decided to withdraw from school for summer session, so i will be taking metra to work and then coming home right after. i'd like to pedal to the beach, drink beers on the porch. i'd like to say i want to meet some one, and i guess i do, but the truth i don't want anyone else. i'm still very emotional about the dissolving of my relationship with giuseppe, and its so immature of me that its been this long and i'm still crying to myself about it, mostly at night. sometimes when i'm in the car by myself, once at school, often at lunch time when i'm sitting in the break room alone. maybe i'm just supposed to be alone. i've felt alone my whole adult life except for when i was with him. i have a huge desire to just leave. disappear. go away for a while. take a break.
the new off with their heads is perfect in my opinion. totally pysched to see them at sub-t in june.
i've been watching myself turn from bad to worse
i've been locked up in the basement putting bad habits first
won't answer my phone cuz i wanna be left alone
shed off the skin that makes me (???)
i'm not alive
i'm just as good as dead
i can't find a reason why i should even get out of bed
just make it stop just make it go away
i'll give you everything i have if you've got the right words to say
i can't get by on what little's left in here
if i can just get away from my shadow then i'm in the clear
then it'll all stop and it'll all go away
i'll be everything i was everything i wanted to be
outta my mind and outta your sight
so i just drive
it doesn't matter where
i put foot to the floor let the wind blow through my hair
i'll never stop there's nothing for me out there
i'll be on the road to (???) while it all fades in the mirror.
i have wanted to go on a cross-country bike trip for many summers. i promised myself i would do this before i turn 30. its no big deal if i do it after 30, but this would be the last summer i could do it within my personal deadline. i have put it off for the past four summers for reasons that don't matter....work, school, not wanting the hassle of finding a sublet. you know, stuff that shouldn't really matter when its all said and done. i want this trip to come to fruition this summer. i purchased tix for a show on a saturday in june, and i could leave the next day. take a train to portland with my amtrak frequent rider miles, dip my wheels into the pacific, and start pedaling east.
out west would be the most challenging b/c of the mountains. granted, i would get to zoom down them. plus, there would be lots of opportunity for side trips such as hiking and white water rafting. the plains would be nothing but hard pedaling, trying to out-pedal a thunderhead. the east is also mountainous, but also pretty. i'd probably be pretty burnt out by this part of the trip and just want to get done.
maybe i'll meet people along the way. maybe i'll find some place that i really like and everything clicks.
the trail is 4250 miles long, and starts in portland, and ends at the atlantic ocean in virginia. i could easily knock this out in time to start back up for school in august. if i go 100 miles a day, that would be 43 days of pedaling, and i would take some days off--for weather and also the first day of my period b/c it makes me sick as hell. i can either buy a tent and sleeping back from REI or i can rent. i will buy a knife and some kind of multi-tool like either swiss army or leatherman. if i go pac-atl, then i could potentially end up in virginia in time for best friends fest.
i have discussed this plan with my roommate a few times. she has been very encouraging. and its not just bullshit encouragement, either. she is fearless and has lived all over and gone on many adventures. australia, europe, southeast asia, new zealand. i get a little more inspired when i talk to her about it. if i truly do want this trip to happen, its up to me to make it happen.
i am enclosing a video of off with their heads performing self check out in a basement.
sick of going out of mind every time i see
somebody that looks like you
its killing me
because i think you're there for me
and when i realize your not it's back to (??)
so please take note i'm going crazy
did you get a chance to read the letter i sent to you
or did you throw it away cuz of everything i put you through
i guess i understand
just realize i'm looking for help from a friend
and you are the only one i can trust
i wanna tell you about how i tried so hard to keep it all on the right track
i wanna tell you about the times i fuck up and wake up flat on my back
i wish i could call you to pick me up
i know its too much to ask so i sit up and light up a cigarette
and i tell myself over and over again
it was all just dream
and its time to come clean
and its time to move on
no matter how hard it seems
actually, i'm not sure if he was "with" this girl, or if she was just hanging out with him and his roommates. at the end of the day, it's probably exactly what it looks like. regardless, i'm just an adolescent retard in disguise and am never really prepared to see him, even when i know beforehand that there's a good chance we're going to end up at the same parties/shows.
although last night, i was looking way cute. my mom had purchased me some nice clothes for warmer weather, and i was wearing those and had styled my new hair cut. new shoes. even a little eyeliner, HA! my roommate was waiting in line for the bathroom, and she had a clear view of him standing a few feet away, and she said that when i came into the room, she saw his eyes follow me around until i passed right by him. (my heart lept into my throat when she told me this later in the night.) a split-second of eye contact, an awkward, blowoff "hey." from my lips, and i was continuing on my way to get in line next to my roommate.
i'm glad my roommate went with me. it was at the same west humboldt loft that i had been to for after hours a few weeks back, only this time there was bands playing and a lot of people there. we took a cab there, and when we got to the place, the cab driver asked if we knew where we were going b/c "this is a really bad neighborhood." i told him thank you for the concern, but yeah, we just going across the street. at the end of the night, we called two different cab companies multiple times and no one would pick us up. other people were having similar difficulties. finally, a group of five of us were able to flag down a cab outside. we all piled in together b/c we were going back to the same neighborhood.
the spring semester ended last week, and i am looking forward to some free time. i decided to withdraw from school for summer session, so i will be taking metra to work and then coming home right after. i'd like to pedal to the beach, drink beers on the porch. i'd like to say i want to meet some one, and i guess i do, but the truth i don't want anyone else. i'm still very emotional about the dissolving of my relationship with giuseppe, and its so immature of me that its been this long and i'm still crying to myself about it, mostly at night. sometimes when i'm in the car by myself, once at school, often at lunch time when i'm sitting in the break room alone. maybe i'm just supposed to be alone. i've felt alone my whole adult life except for when i was with him. i have a huge desire to just leave. disappear. go away for a while. take a break.
the new off with their heads is perfect in my opinion. totally pysched to see them at sub-t in june.
i've been watching myself turn from bad to worse
i've been locked up in the basement putting bad habits first
won't answer my phone cuz i wanna be left alone
shed off the skin that makes me (???)
i'm not alive
i'm just as good as dead
i can't find a reason why i should even get out of bed
just make it stop just make it go away
i'll give you everything i have if you've got the right words to say
i can't get by on what little's left in here
if i can just get away from my shadow then i'm in the clear
then it'll all stop and it'll all go away
i'll be everything i was everything i wanted to be
outta my mind and outta your sight
so i just drive
it doesn't matter where
i put foot to the floor let the wind blow through my hair
i'll never stop there's nothing for me out there
i'll be on the road to (???) while it all fades in the mirror.
i have wanted to go on a cross-country bike trip for many summers. i promised myself i would do this before i turn 30. its no big deal if i do it after 30, but this would be the last summer i could do it within my personal deadline. i have put it off for the past four summers for reasons that don't matter....work, school, not wanting the hassle of finding a sublet. you know, stuff that shouldn't really matter when its all said and done. i want this trip to come to fruition this summer. i purchased tix for a show on a saturday in june, and i could leave the next day. take a train to portland with my amtrak frequent rider miles, dip my wheels into the pacific, and start pedaling east.
out west would be the most challenging b/c of the mountains. granted, i would get to zoom down them. plus, there would be lots of opportunity for side trips such as hiking and white water rafting. the plains would be nothing but hard pedaling, trying to out-pedal a thunderhead. the east is also mountainous, but also pretty. i'd probably be pretty burnt out by this part of the trip and just want to get done.
maybe i'll meet people along the way. maybe i'll find some place that i really like and everything clicks.
the trail is 4250 miles long, and starts in portland, and ends at the atlantic ocean in virginia. i could easily knock this out in time to start back up for school in august. if i go 100 miles a day, that would be 43 days of pedaling, and i would take some days off--for weather and also the first day of my period b/c it makes me sick as hell. i can either buy a tent and sleeping back from REI or i can rent. i will buy a knife and some kind of multi-tool like either swiss army or leatherman. if i go pac-atl, then i could potentially end up in virginia in time for best friends fest.
i have discussed this plan with my roommate a few times. she has been very encouraging. and its not just bullshit encouragement, either. she is fearless and has lived all over and gone on many adventures. australia, europe, southeast asia, new zealand. i get a little more inspired when i talk to her about it. if i truly do want this trip to happen, its up to me to make it happen.
i am enclosing a video of off with their heads performing self check out in a basement.
sick of going out of mind every time i see
somebody that looks like you
its killing me
because i think you're there for me
and when i realize your not it's back to (??)
so please take note i'm going crazy
did you get a chance to read the letter i sent to you
or did you throw it away cuz of everything i put you through
i guess i understand
just realize i'm looking for help from a friend
and you are the only one i can trust
i wanna tell you about how i tried so hard to keep it all on the right track
i wanna tell you about the times i fuck up and wake up flat on my back
i wish i could call you to pick me up
i know its too much to ask so i sit up and light up a cigarette
and i tell myself over and over again
it was all just dream
and its time to come clean
and its time to move on
no matter how hard it seems
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Picking up after oneself...what a concept
Current mood:treading water
just spent 90 min in the kitchen. homemade pizza from scratch. used mozz teese since two different whole foods locations i went to were out of the daiya. also made a potato leek soup for dinner and for lunch and dinner tomorrow. the soup is okay. its not as good as the corn chowder i have been making. then made some chocolate chip cookies. i originally wanted to take the cookies to my class tomorrow for when we are done with our final test. i should have used the tried and true recipe i finally perfected last fall, but i decided to use one out of vegan cookies invade your cookie jar. i had never used this one before, but i had all the stuff for it. i deviated a little bit, added some mint and walnuts and flax seed. called for tapioca. cookies came out alright. they are soft but a little on the gummy side b/c of the tapioca. undecided if i am going to take them in to school b/c they didn't turn out quite like i was hoping.
after i was finished in the kitchen, i did what any respectful (to herself, and also to those that use the same common areas) would do, and cleaned up my mess. what a fucking concept! i wish my roommates were hip to it. i am ready to move out i'm getting so frustrated with it. also, there is so much waste! so much produce is purchased just to sit and rot on the countertop. today the oven was left to pre heat for an hour. last sunday, the stove was in use when i left for work at 1030am. when i came back home at 6pm, the burner was still on, but no one was cooking anything.
i'm not sure if this is what is really bothering me or if its just more icing on the cake. i have a working interview tomorrow with a dentist office that is kinda close by. i went last week for a talking interview and it went really well. they called me back for a working interview, which i am going to go to tomorrow morning. i can only do a half day b/c i have to work at the surgeon's office in the afternoon. i really do need to get out of there b/c i am miserable there. its just really slow and the truth is that i am lonely. its also sometimes taking close to 90 minutes to commute there in the morning. i really don't like spending my time just sitting in traffic like that.
deep down i know that just getting another job or another living situation isn't going to solve any of my (perceived) problems. maybe its that school is ending tomorrow and i once again find myself at a fork in the road. do i stay on the path i am on, busy busy busy work work work, bitch bitch bitch, or do i take the fork. new job, new apt, semester off school. quit my job, sublease my place, take a trip. enjoy summer. move back to my stl. which fork should i take.
i went out to get lunch today at a place close by here that i like a lot. they didn't have the sandwich i was hoping for, so i didn't get anything. every single time i'm out in the neighborhood, and especially every time i'm crossing under the el tracks at milwaukee, my eyes are scanning always scanning. as much as i hate seeing giuseppe b/c it makes me sad, i want to see him. even just a passing glimpse. my heart wants what my heart wants and i want to stab it for it. i am slightly disappointed with myself that this much time has elapsed and i'm still not over it.
i'm not typing anything that i haven't typed before.
just spent 90 min in the kitchen. homemade pizza from scratch. used mozz teese since two different whole foods locations i went to were out of the daiya. also made a potato leek soup for dinner and for lunch and dinner tomorrow. the soup is okay. its not as good as the corn chowder i have been making. then made some chocolate chip cookies. i originally wanted to take the cookies to my class tomorrow for when we are done with our final test. i should have used the tried and true recipe i finally perfected last fall, but i decided to use one out of vegan cookies invade your cookie jar. i had never used this one before, but i had all the stuff for it. i deviated a little bit, added some mint and walnuts and flax seed. called for tapioca. cookies came out alright. they are soft but a little on the gummy side b/c of the tapioca. undecided if i am going to take them in to school b/c they didn't turn out quite like i was hoping.
after i was finished in the kitchen, i did what any respectful (to herself, and also to those that use the same common areas) would do, and cleaned up my mess. what a fucking concept! i wish my roommates were hip to it. i am ready to move out i'm getting so frustrated with it. also, there is so much waste! so much produce is purchased just to sit and rot on the countertop. today the oven was left to pre heat for an hour. last sunday, the stove was in use when i left for work at 1030am. when i came back home at 6pm, the burner was still on, but no one was cooking anything.
i'm not sure if this is what is really bothering me or if its just more icing on the cake. i have a working interview tomorrow with a dentist office that is kinda close by. i went last week for a talking interview and it went really well. they called me back for a working interview, which i am going to go to tomorrow morning. i can only do a half day b/c i have to work at the surgeon's office in the afternoon. i really do need to get out of there b/c i am miserable there. its just really slow and the truth is that i am lonely. its also sometimes taking close to 90 minutes to commute there in the morning. i really don't like spending my time just sitting in traffic like that.
deep down i know that just getting another job or another living situation isn't going to solve any of my (perceived) problems. maybe its that school is ending tomorrow and i once again find myself at a fork in the road. do i stay on the path i am on, busy busy busy work work work, bitch bitch bitch, or do i take the fork. new job, new apt, semester off school. quit my job, sublease my place, take a trip. enjoy summer. move back to my stl. which fork should i take.
i went out to get lunch today at a place close by here that i like a lot. they didn't have the sandwich i was hoping for, so i didn't get anything. every single time i'm out in the neighborhood, and especially every time i'm crossing under the el tracks at milwaukee, my eyes are scanning always scanning. as much as i hate seeing giuseppe b/c it makes me sad, i want to see him. even just a passing glimpse. my heart wants what my heart wants and i want to stab it for it. i am slightly disappointed with myself that this much time has elapsed and i'm still not over it.
i'm not typing anything that i haven't typed before.
Monday, May 3, 2010
theme song for a humboldt park after hours party
slept about three hours on friday, and at one point found myself in the white castle (i'll pass, but thanks for offering...) drive thru with six other people, who ordered like $60 worth of food. i love the feeling of still being able to surprise myself sometimes, and perhaps even more so, the feeling of being surprised by others. i'm referring here to perhaps make-out of the year 2010.
on saturday, i decided (too late as that shit was sold out) to go to beat kitchen to see broadway calls (see below. totally jam of week right now.) and dear landlord. went to a pot luck with roy and friends instead. it was in sterile south loop, but lots of fun. the host was hilarous, cutting jokes, people were nice and welcoming. gorgeous night.
looking forward to owth and dear landlord at sub-t in june. already bought tix for that one cuz dear landlord is going to be tour tight as hell. i am psyched to get the new record and also to see owth. have not seen them play since opening for the waste back in december. i also love the new song. i have heard mixed feedback from people about it.
i got my hair cut. its way cute. i feel really confident in myself again, and people have complimented me on it. maybe its the excitement of new job prospects, the end of school in sight, my heart being over giuseppe (what, all i had to do was bang somebody else? i should have resolved this months ago! but i'm too discerning), new friends and drinking with roy at delilah's, the sunlight blasting through my window in the morning, but i feel like i'm back. a happy, smiling girl that i know is in here somewhere but who has been hiding all winter, is finally on the break out! hopefully i can attract a boyfriend for summer. the cutest boys in chicago reside in logan square. i see you, in your cut off shorts, zipping around the neighborhood on your bikes, and each and everyone one of you make me smile.
"can i lay next to you on your couch?"
"yes"
so get at get at me
i've been waiting
anticipation driving me crazy
i've been dying all night long
for this(??) to find a way to my heart
pick me back up
drop me back off at the start
i've been dying all night long
this only goes so far
before we break our hearts
reacting to our loneliness
(??) lay alone too late
just give in seal this fate
reacting to our loneliness
over reacting
i get carried away with you
i want to smuggle you across state lines
break the law to make you all mine
she never asked me
but i promise not to tell
i never dreamed the night could go so well
so hard to keep this to myself
cuz i remember everything.
on saturday, i decided (too late as that shit was sold out) to go to beat kitchen to see broadway calls (see below. totally jam of week right now.) and dear landlord. went to a pot luck with roy and friends instead. it was in sterile south loop, but lots of fun. the host was hilarous, cutting jokes, people were nice and welcoming. gorgeous night.
looking forward to owth and dear landlord at sub-t in june. already bought tix for that one cuz dear landlord is going to be tour tight as hell. i am psyched to get the new record and also to see owth. have not seen them play since opening for the waste back in december. i also love the new song. i have heard mixed feedback from people about it.
i got my hair cut. its way cute. i feel really confident in myself again, and people have complimented me on it. maybe its the excitement of new job prospects, the end of school in sight, my heart being over giuseppe (what, all i had to do was bang somebody else? i should have resolved this months ago! but i'm too discerning), new friends and drinking with roy at delilah's, the sunlight blasting through my window in the morning, but i feel like i'm back. a happy, smiling girl that i know is in here somewhere but who has been hiding all winter, is finally on the break out! hopefully i can attract a boyfriend for summer. the cutest boys in chicago reside in logan square. i see you, in your cut off shorts, zipping around the neighborhood on your bikes, and each and everyone one of you make me smile.
"can i lay next to you on your couch?"
"yes"
so get at get at me
i've been waiting
anticipation driving me crazy
i've been dying all night long
for this(??) to find a way to my heart
pick me back up
drop me back off at the start
i've been dying all night long
this only goes so far
before we break our hearts
reacting to our loneliness
(??) lay alone too late
just give in seal this fate
reacting to our loneliness
over reacting
i get carried away with you
i want to smuggle you across state lines
break the law to make you all mine
she never asked me
but i promise not to tell
i never dreamed the night could go so well
so hard to keep this to myself
cuz i remember everything.
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