"we don't need a receipt. the beer will not be returned."

Current mood:overheard at the liquor store

i don't know how to describe what is happening. i assure you, though, that i am smiling.

labor day weekend 2009:
movies/food with out of town friend
banner pilot at ronny's
after hours til 6am
lazy sunday afternoon/no work
stoked on an invite to a house party
rage until 8am
closed doors mouths open
$50 beachage (worth every cent!)
good hangout/rice krispy desserts/dexter viewing with one of my forever favs.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Current mood:i should probably attempt to sleep soon

summer school started tonight. i enjoy the eight week summer session. let's get this over with, ya know? no b.s. dragging this out a whole sixteen week semester.

professor seems pretty alright. he's an old dude schooled back east, so points plus for that, and he's worked with chemists and physicists all over the united states, canada, and europe and was part of a team that won a nobel prize way back. i was very surprised when he told us he was also into physics b/c all prior academic experience has been with chem professors who legit didn't get physics, and with physics profs who legit could not comprehend chem.

he talks a little too quietly, though. i prefer to sit in the back, b/c i like to be able to see everything that is going on, but i might have to head to the front of the class for this one's lecture.

yesterday was sunday, and it was a good day. after work i met up with rich and joe at a wetlands preserve to shoot some comedy stuff. it was a lot of fun. both put lots of effort into their characters and costumes. and joe built this elaborate net/trap thing that rich hung from a tree inside. it was hilarious. i manned the camera. the location was visually interesting. there was a lagoon area with reeds and deer and ducks, and a stream area. we got a lot of good shots.

afterwards, we went to some pita place and i ate a lot of hommus, babaganoosh, and jerusalem salad. it was very satisfying. we really lucked out b/c there was not rain at all while we shot during the afternoon/evening, and when we were eating, rains started falling pretty heavily.

today i left work early and ran in the woods. i did my usual 3+ mile loop in just over 23 minutes. i timed myself with the stopwatch on my cell phone, and the middle two miles i paced at 7:14 and 7:11. haulin'! it was hot, too! and all kinds of those little cotton ball things flying around in the air.

i have decided to forego the accenture triathelon at the end of summer. yeah, i guess its a goal and all, but i know i can do all those distances/events, but i'd like to be competitive in my age group. i do not want to buy all kinds of fancy (read: expensive) gear to help my stay competitive in my age group. things i would need include: wetsuit, tri racing bike, clip shoes, and all kinds of accessories for water/food/etc. fuck that. i want to spend my money on other things (see below).

i went to see tattoo guy about finishing up the underwater scene on my leg. hoping to get started on that in the next couple of weeks. i am looking forward to that.

i am also looking forward to a trip to philly in august. i purchased plane tickets and concert tickets tonight. lifetime, 'souls, 7 seconds, and tim barry at the trocedaro theater in chinatown.

i have a headache right now, but i am also riled up.

current conditions:
temp: 74F
skies: mostly cloudy
winds: NW 15 to 25mph
precipitation: scattered

the sunset was gorgeous tonight. i was traveling south on my was home from school and viewing the pink and blue storm clouds building up behind the skyline and to the east over the lake was spectactular!

this video rules. the sound quality is amazing, especially considering its a live recording from the late 80s. also, the audio of the crowd singing along gives me chills...in a good way.

Going to shows sober

went to D4 at bottom lounge tonight. this was def the best time i've had there. granted, the other times it was for working/shooting, but today i was there to see the bands. rolled in during the middle of japanther. they would have been waaaaaay better in a basement and not some legit club with a real PA and shit in front of a full crowd not moving around.

D4 was pretty solid. probably about the same as when i saw them just last month at reggie's. they played a different set list, which was nice, and it was their usual lineup so they played more songs and not just the ten or so that ronnie knew for drums last time.

i ran into roy from school there as i was waiting to pay the doorman and i talked with him and ended up standing/dancing by him and his friends about three rows from the back edge of the pit. i liked it b/c i could actually enjoy the songs and sing along and bounce in my own little space and not fight drunk idiots up in the front.

at first i wasn't sure if i was going to go. and i was hesitant to drive b/c the neighborhood where the bottom lounge is located is not the best and i didn't want to have to park too far away. and its off the green line, which is a hassel b/c i'm blue. but i'm glad i went, and i did drive and got a spot under the tracks about two blocks away, so that's not too bad!

i haven't necessarily been depressed the past couple of days, but perhaps just quiet and internalizing a lot of my frustrations. i have ran in the forest preserve after work the past two days for a total of one hour and six minutes, with plans to run again tomorrow.

i feel like after the show my mood has picked up. like i said, the set was good, the banter to a minimum but hilarious as usual. good people in attendance. no hassels. and i'm looking forward to shooting (pictures, not skeet) this weekend with some people after work.

Current Conditions:
temp: 53F
skies: Clear
winds: Calm
Sunset: 8:21pm
Ears: Ringing

"tonight will ruin tomorrow"

Current mood: lonely

rode my bike for about 90 minutes tonight. slower cruising pace to shake the melancholy. took armitage to the lakefront. passed the lincoln park zoo. made me think about how when nate and i drove up here for a show and he drank beers in the car the whole way and COULD NOT hold it for like five more minutes, and ran out of the car and into the dark night, my foot on the brake at a red light. i pulled off on a side street and waited til he came back from peeing on the gate!

soooo, rode to the lakefront. it was gorgeous. i little chill to the air. the lake was a deep deep blue and the sky was cloudless with hints of pink and yellow at twilight. there was a lot of people out riding bikes and running. there was also a lot of people sitting on the big concrete stairs just looking at the water. i wonder if everyone who sits and watches the water is lonely. there were few boats and waves were long and slow. gulls hovered in the air scavenging for food. in the distance the ferris wheel was alit and the downtown skyline was getting there.




i wonder if everyone who sits and watches the water is lonely.

helloooooo, gorgeous!

Current mood:quiet.

i took advantage of a day and a half off work and a free train pass and went to stl.

chicago was experiencing rainy conditions on tuesday, and i was glad i went back to get my umbrella before departing for union station. the station was packed and the train was sold out. i got a window seat and another girl about the same age as me sat next to me. we made excellent time. we kept a strong pace the whole way and didn't have to wait for passing freights. i really enjoyed looking out the window and watching the rain. i spotted two blue herons, one flying and one perched atop a telephone pole (very surprised to see it perched as usually i see them slowly sauntering through the water, their long stick legs like reeds). i also saw a lot of rabbits, and a deer! at one point when we passed over a creek, i saw three large birds dive-bombing together. i thought maybe they were hawks b/c of their size/build, but i have never really seen hawks travel in a pack like that. but they were definitely large birds of prey.

i arrived late on tuesday night, to the familiar thickness of st. louis humidity. i had not taken the train since the new station was opened back at the end of 2008. it looked really nice, like a legit depot. it is somewhat of a hub for metrolink, greyhound, and amtrak. it looks really nice. and its RIGHT under the highway. my dad informed me that a large chunk of 40 is still closed, so the explained why there was, like, no eastbound traffic.

the downtown looked gorgeous. i love looking at the buildings at night, and city hall on this evening, looked particulary elegant. that yellowish color to the stone seemed to glow in the dark, and the landscaping and planter boxes full of pink blooms were a pretty contrast. even the old keil opera house looked elegantly gothic and for the first time in years i took notice on the stone bears out front on the steps.

once home, i stayed up late with weiner dog, in the kitchen boiling some noodles.

on wednesday, i woke up and played the piano for about an hour. its crazy out of tune and some the keys stick, which drives me crazy, but i enjoy playing, and i went through all the old pieces i played for guild when i was younger--fifth avenue poodle, fur elise, turkish rhondo, gyspy rhondo, and zug der zwerge.

i drove my mom's car to her school to eat lunch with her. it was the last day of school, and i had a nice time seeing her class and also going to visit some of the teachers i had in high school and middle school, who i always make a point to stop by and say hello to when i'm back. my sophomore year english teacher is now a librarian and she told me that she had just finished a book and was sending it off to the presses this coming friday. i thought that was exciting!

my bro came over to the house and we went out on the bikes for like two hours. we rode out to the levee and encountered only four cars the whole time. it was awesome. the sky was magnificent blue and the wheat crop and soy bean fields along the bottoms were just starting to sprout and everything was green and lush. there was a lot of flooding and we saw a lot of wading birds. we had a good ride and had good conversation. i also gained some perspective and insight into my goal of pacific-atlantic that i am going to embark on next year.

i've been torn as to if i should go solo or tour with a group. after going out with my bro, i realize that i should solo. i also felt like group tour would be nice b/c of having to carry all the gear, but i can carry all the gear myself. i was also worried about pushing myself to hard to get finished, but when i rode w/ my bro, we just cruised along at a walking pace, and i didn't get tired. i know i could keep that up all day, day after day. we talked a lot about different fun outdoor side trips, like rafting.

on the way back home, we stopped at the pool in our neighborhood and cooled off. i thought that the water would be way cold since the pool just opened on monday, but the water was perfect. clear and refreshing. we mainly stayed in the deep end, treading and diving for this torpedo toy, and then we we got out, we let the sun/air dry us off as we reclined in the chairs.

once home, we passed out, only to be jolted awake to booming thunder! power went out three times, and once lightning stuck so close we thought that maybe it was in the backyard, but nothing was on fire/burned. storms all night long!

dad took my to the train station this morning at 430am. i didn't cry in the car, but i wanted to b/c i didn't want to come back up here just yet. luckily i slept the whole way back, and i went straight to work, where i was distracted the whole time.

the trip was too quick. i decided to visit b/c i needed a dose of familiarity and my mom and a break from my hectic schedule up here. i have felt so burned out. yesterday was great, i just wish it could have lasted longer.

texts from last night

Current mood:sweden!

went to reggie's last night for the final day of the windy city sound clash. it was an alright time! not nearly as many people i was expecting to see there, but i was very surprised and happy to see so many people from out of town. there was a little group from stl, of course including the humanoids. goddam, clarkson sr is still looking so good it makes my legs shake a little. we spent a lot of time at the show together talking.

i also saw some people from back east, who i was very surprised to see. and of course the usual suspects from chicago who i see everytime. all in all, good hangout all night.

as far as the performances, phil and keith came out and played four teen idols songs with members of other bands. it was a little teaser set for when they play a full set at the end of june. even though it was just the two of them and then guest members, the songs were totally solid. so loud and so fast and keith was great to watch up on the stage. and while i'm not usually into older dudes, phillip hill makes my heart beat faster.

i was pleased with the humanoids. clarkson asked me about their set, and i said that i liked it. which is true. this is the second time i've seen them at a legit club with real sound board and stuff. so it sounded full and well mixed. they played some songs that i did not know, so that was nice. his vocals sounded a little raspier than usual, and there was a few times where clarkson jr sang some random back ups, and i asked if they practiced those or if he just sometimes throws them in there. the answer is the latter. ha!

i was amped to see dear landlord, and while there set was loud and fast, there were some mistakes, including a full out stop on 'i'm not saying git 'er done but don't just stand there.' i kinda laughed b/c the little group of us down by the stage was yelling/singing along to try to keep it going and they just stayed stopped. brett said let's just start where we left off, and they messed up again and then that was the end of it. also, no matter how many times i listen to "crashing" i always get fooled by the ending. i think its over, and then they start in again. even when that 7" is on the turntable again and again, it tricks me everytime! i like that brett gets a chance to sing leads on more songs that he does in copyrights, and i like the raspy sound of zach's voice. and brad is enjoyable to watch play. he's so small, and i like how he puts his shoulders into it. i am going to be back east in june for some stuff, and i am hoping to catch them again then, hopefully after some more practices.

spoke with funberg, of course. always look forward to seeing him and asking what his new adventure is. this time, it was a book he was reading, entitled 'a year of biblical living.' i asked if this was going to be the new funberg endevor for the next 365 and he laughed and said no! it was for entertainment purposes only.

i got to sleep in today, which was soooo awesome. i have been feeling so burned out. i am going to spring clean my room. switch out all the winter stuff for summer stuff and sell/donate anything i didn't wear.

the new upstairs neighbors are extreme party animals. some one was even bouncing a basketball last night. double you tee eff, dude? and i usually sleep all through the night, but last night, some one came crashing through the back door and knocked over a bunch of chairs and stuff in the kitchen and threw up everywhere in the bathroom. DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF, DUDE?

i'm not really complaining b/c the situation has been remedied by the responsible parties, and besides, i am holding a letter in my hand from my doctor, confirming that my pussy is immaculate. "see you in six months!"


i've been browsing on youtube, but haven't found a video to mesh with my current mood. so i am offering up lifetime's northbound breakdown, even though i think this particular video is kinda weak. i do love riding in the car, turning this shit up so loud. summer's here!

Geometry

Current mood: hungry

there have been creepazoids at the pool the past week. young(er) dudes who go underwater and watch me do the flip turns.

or who wait for me to get to the end and then push off just before i flip and race to the other end.

this happens when i'm in the middle of a set and usually getting tired. for my sets, i always do multiples of 4.

a set will typically look like this:

1 x 400
2 x 200
4 x 100

or

4 x 200
4 x 100
4 x 200

i also like

4 x (1 x 200, 2 x 100)

200 is my favorite distance for racing and for training. 400 is also a good training distance b/c you can rack up a lot of yardage quickly. i'll do repeat 100s if i'm felling lazy or my shoulder acts up, which the left one did a little on wednesday. probably b/c i did too much last time.

but back to the task: creepazoids, young(er) dudes pushing off just before me and racing to the other end, usually when i've been going for a while and am winded. and they only race me for one lap. sorry, dude, but races are only 25yds for 8 year old kids.

also, i am not impressed by anyone who gets into the pool and does fly for warmup. that kind of behavior immediately tags you as having no idea what the fuck you are doing.

this blog makes no sense. i'm procrastinating. i am also making plans (the good kind). right now they are 99% being mulled over in my brain. i have only made 1% action, possibly 2%. when i think it over some more, talk to my boss, and talk to my doctor in may i will feel more comfortable making a decision.

i like to come to myspace to listen to music. i do not like how after like four songs, an advertisement comes up that stops the player and you have to click on it to continue listening.

i have also stayed up til past 130am three nights in a row watching that dang "twilight" movie on youtube.

i went to the library and checked out some books on quilting. i am considering sewing a quilt (stitch by hand not machine) as a project for this summer. i have lots of ideas for patterns.

school was canceled tonight. i didn't find out until i showed up 45 minutes late and the classroom was dark and there was a note on the door. i am usually 45 minutes early, and sit in the library and go over my notes/homework b/c i am a model student who makes non-model students want to puke. but today work ran waaaay late. i didn't go in on monday, so i guess i made up for lost hours.




current conditions in chicago:
temp: 48F
visibility: clear
wind: E 13mph
bike rack: broken

I'm not crazy, just frustrated

trying to hold it together. i hover in my own little niche just above the poverty line, and i qualified to have my taxes filed for free this year.

turns out, i owe the federal government $398, and the state of illinois $79. i don't understand how this is possible. every year its the same thing. i have two legit jobs and i go to school. i pay for school out of my own pocket as i go along. i also have fucking cervical cancer. i found out last fall, the same day i lost my job that provided me with medical insurance. the same day that a boy i liked and had been talking to told me he met another girl at a party and was going to hang out with her instead. blood oozes out of my rotten cunt when i'm asleep at night and it feels like my uterus is trying to kill me most days. massive blinding headaches that last for days. i find myself doubled over in the shower at night waiting for it to stop already.

not wanting to be a drag, i still run around and smile and pretend everything is alright and make new friends and go out to new places with out town friends before heading out to a show, supporting old friends from stl who come up here to play, inviting old friends who are still important to me for who-the-hell-knows-why to go get pizza on a wednesday. looking forward to trips out of town this summer. this past weekend i applied to go to school in mpls. i probably won't go through with it beyond the application. i am also enrolled at my current school in chicago for summer session and also next fall. so i guess my bases are covered.

anyway, i owe some money. its not really THAT much, especially when compared to the statements i get from the hospital where i had my two surgeries last fall. but that's a month's rent payment. and its more than i have right now. i am also a month behind already right now b/c the third roommate moved out last month and the other two of us had to pay for his share. i feel like everytime i am just starting to gain some ground, i get knocked back to where i started. when will i be rewarded for being a responsible female? i have been plugging away with work and school for so long, and its want i want to do, and i am currently having difficulty being patient about it. maybe i should just crap out some bastard kids and drop out of school?

dropping out of school is easy.
moving back to my parents' house is easy.
killing myself with alcohol is easy.
gaining fifteen pounds is easy.

but i'm not one to take the easy route. i never have been.


here's screeching weasel performing six percent, which i feel is appropriate.




don't let anyone tell you you better grow up soon or face the
consequences of a life not planned out. that's exactly what you need.
i'm here to tell you leave the bullshit you've been taught behind and
find out for yourself that work is slavery and it makes you a slave.
and i know it's easy for somebody like me to say. but i dropped that
fucking life and i don't regret the bridges that i burned, mistakes i
made; they're what i learned from. yes, you've gotta pay the rent and
feed yourself and then pay all the bills and taxes 'til you're ready to
explode and kill yourself and those who get in your way. don't
misunderstand me- i'm just trying to remind you that your life is not
tv and things don't just work out; most of the time you're miserable.
the american dream is a big fucking lie; a wild goose chase. you're
here to make the richest six percent a little richer.



don't you want something better? don't you want something that lasts?
they're not your friends- they're your masters and they don't care if
you live or die. you've gotta get out on your own. you've gotta get out
of this stupid town and try to live for once instead of just existing.
and i guarantee that pretty soon you're gonna see that things aren't
half as good or as bad as they used to seem now that you're a thorn in
the side of society; now that you're part of the problem; the ruination
of a system that keeps you down, steals your money and your hope and
then smacks you around. don't you want to get out of this town? don't
you want to get out of this fucking life?


current conditions in chicago:
temp: 37F
precipitation: rainy
visibility: cloudy

vernal equinox

went to the doctor today to get my shit checked after i started hemorrhaging on friday night, in the middle of the night, while i was asleep, which of course was a freakin' mess, and then i had to bail on the show satirday and not hang out with friends in town from stl.

turns out everything is going to be alright, though.

since doc said i was good to go, i went to the pool and swam for the first time in over six months. it was great! there was not a lot of people there, which is what i prefer. i swam 2400 yds in just under 45 minutes. i was surprised i went this far, but then again, i have a hard time knowing when to stop. practice was always two hours in the pool and then either weights or dry land after that, so i'm not used to just working out for like, just thirty minutes or something.

i'm not as tired i expected to be, especially in the arms, but my hip flexors are a little tight right now. but that could also be a result of an invitation i accepted earlier in the week.

i stopped to get a few cooking necessities at the store on the way home, and the jewel item of the week was doritos, so i purchased two for one of the spicy sweet chili in the purple bag. this was the first time i have eaten this flavor, and the first time consuming doritos in nearly three years. it was definitely an interesting taste...spicy hot but also a hint of sweet. i ate these in the car on the way home in rush hour traffic. my mouth/tongue/lips became quite hot b/c i am pansy with the spice, and luckily i had a bottle of water in my bag, but then i just had to pee even more b/c i didn't pee before i left the pool! haha!

on my way home, i found myself heading due west on touhy, and the sun was dipping directly to the west, and i realized that tomorrow is the vernal equinox. i have survived another winter in this town.

tonight when i arrived at home, the gelato i had made from scratch was ready to eat, and i was quite satisfied with the results. it wasn't overly sweet, but it was very chocolately, which is more than fine. i also put a shit-ton of mint leaves in it, which was a nice cool taste. i will definitely attempt additional flavors. i am trying to acquire a powdered peanut butter to use for baking. its called PB2 and is not sold in the chicago area. so i have to order it from the internet, and it is not sold individually, just a case.

yesterday was wednesday and i was called in to second full time job, and i when i showed up, we were being evaulated by the regional managers, and i was part of the A game. turns out i performed the highest of everyone working that day! yay! "would you like fries with that?"

tuesday was st. pat's day apparently. i had no idea until i was returning home from work, and when i neared the california platform, assholes in green shirts and hats were all over the street. luckily i am a weirdo who wears the same dang shirt everyday b/c its my favorite. this favorite shirt i am so loyal to also happens to be green, so i guess i was covered. i made pizza for dinner, as well as baked some cookies. the house smelled like fresh baked cookies for when my roommate had some people over from work for a meeting of sorts. i have a little crush on one of the co-workers, a boy named andrew. he liked the cookies i baked. four of us went to a bar up the street for a pint. the weather was gorgeous! i nearly thought it was july! we sat outside on the patio and i enjoyed the music that was playing over the PA...rancid, offspring, bad religion...i was very surprised!

andrew is very quiet/reserved, and i am as well for the most part. so we didn't talk to each other, and him and his roommate abruptly left after one round. i doubt anything will ever become of any of this. and when all is said and done, i don't really care, either.

i have no idea what transpired on monday.

on sunday i met up with an out of town friend and we drove to freakin' mokena to see carcass. it was actually a pretty sweet time. carcass played for a good hour and they had a pretty sweet stage setup with the lights and video. there was a lot of people came out of the woodwork for that shit. i enjoyed hearing the lead singer talk in between the songs. not just b/c his sweet british accent, but b/c he actually had interesting banter. i was so full of lentil soup from sultan's from before the show, that i only got a shake at pick me up after the show.

also, there is a new show on hbo called "east bound & down". its so awesome. i have enclosed a clip from it. I highly recommend checking it out on HBO on sundays, and failing that, there are episodes on youtube.



S: "What's up daaawg?"
K: "Dammit Stevie. This isn't a good time."
S: "I thought it was always a good time to get fuckin' rich."
K: "What are you talkin' about?"
S: "Got a little call from Ashley Schaeffer today and he was talkin' big money, Kenny. I'm talkin' $500. Half of that in cash, and half in coupons to local businesses, baby!"


also, i am enclosing the following copyrights video. i am in the mood for a sweet house party/basement show; not really putting a lot of effort to organize a carfull to ohio in may for a weekend of basement shows. i have been walking in the forest preserve on lunch breaks. i have spotted deer, ducks and various water fowl, and even woodpecker! i am pissed at myself for reasons out of my control. that is, massive medical bills debt, which is preventing me taking the bike tour trip (again) this summer. i am working my butt off so i can do it in summer 2010. "let's get the fuck outta here!"



current conditions in chicago:
mostly clear
28F
visibility 10 miles
sinuses confused

sometimes i can't decide if i hate ska or if i fucking hate ska

i've had this massive headache for like five days.

there is another lesion that is suspect. sometimes i wish that i knew it was terminal, or that the doctor gave me a window of time. then i would take out a massive loan and do things/take trips that i want to do before i die but always seem to put off for bullshit reasons like work or school or whatever. you know, stuff that "matters", but really at the end of the day when all is said and done, it shouldn't/doesn't. instead i work two full time jobs to pay for all this crap.

i've been doing so well. tonight i drank three tall cans, and i was great at the the party i attended. everyone was nice and welcoming and the conversation was pleasent, but now i am at home in my dark room by myself. today was the first day i really noticed that the days are getting longer. the temp only reached like 25F, but the sun didn't set until nearly 6pm. before we all know it, it'll be summertime around here.

i am currently channeling the late 90s. riding in pos tanks of cars, bench seats the size of couches, speeding along crowned country roads down on the flood plain, the sweet ropey scent of the marijuana overpowering the cabbage harvest while the city lights burned orange haze to the west, listening to the radio.

queen anne's lace was always my favorite wild flower. they used to grow tall and bushy along the bottoms under the bluff. right now i miss some one. i'm not sure who exactly. i could even be missing some one who is now a figment of my imagination. but this person is innocent like me in my mind right now. we are running through a field of flowers as tall as our foreheads. the stars burn white diamonds in the black sky and jasmine fills the night air. we are the only two people in the universe tonight as we sprint through tall weeds until our lungs burn and as one we collaspe laughing onto the prairie dusty from the summer drought.

the first show i ever attended was in 1998 at the galaxy with courtney key. we went after swim team practice on a friday. the bands were link 80, voodoo glow skulls, and buck 0 nine. apparently, little carl has come across footage of this show, and also apparently, nate x and chris, shaun and alyssa, and ron and wipfler, were all at that show, way before any of us knew each other. i left before all the bands had played b/c another friend was hosting a birthday party that night. when i arrived, a lot of the guests had filtered out, and she kissed me in the basement. full on on the mouth. that was the first time for anything for me, and another seven or eight months would laspe until my lips touched a boy's.

this video is kinda weak, but the song is taking me back to a time i want to remember right now:



i also always really liked this one: goddamn. i could hang out with truesdale everyday for the rest of my life.



and can't forget: i always liked this band when i was in hs. andy roberts was in the same lunch as me, and he always wore this t shirt. he was always such a dick to me on the bus, and one day, he was just gone. of course there was the usual rumors about him being comitted and shit. i never found out what really happened.



i also went to see this band when i was in hs, and this was the first time i remember being in a situtaion of utter chaos, and it felt right.




i just love this song, and i love this band. my earliest memory of weasel is sitting in study hall with chad pogarelik and he borrowed a ccs catalog i had and cirlced all the records he wanted to order. this song, in all its recordings, is probabably my most favorite.



and of course i have to include an oldies version. i have selected a johnny nash televised performance.









I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

"...and you're not a part of it!"

Current mood:i'm not as fucked as you think

today was the 28th anniversary of the day i slid headfirst out of my mom's vagina, screaming and covered in blood.

i forgot that today was the day it was until about forty five minutes after i woke up. i checked my email and had a message from a far away friend. he also reminded me that today was a holiday. so i had to drive to work b/c metra was on holiday (read: totally inconvenient) schedule.

work was way slow. much to my relief b/c i didn't really want to deal with this patient, a very difficult case canceled, so our afternoon was open. i left early to go for a walk in the forest preserve. i still haven't worked out, but today i attempted to run for a little bit. i became winded quite quickly, but didn't seem to burst anything/start bleeding.

being as today was monday, i'm not surprised that like ten out of ten people i invited to get food with me had other shit going on. i am also not upset about this. i have no problem doing things myself, and actually prefer it.

so i walked down to north and damen. i went to sultan's and got some soup and falafal. i also went to reckless and bought the ergs/tbr split. now i'm baking cookies.

i talked to my sister on the phone for a while while i was walking and passed johnny on the street.

my mom and dad came up from stl to hang out for the weekend. they stayed at some sweet hotel downtown. there was a pool and a hot tub. i was ready to pass out in that warm water and soothing jets.

on friday night we went bowling at lucky strike. it was incredibly expensive, but it was a fun, special occassion activity. i was consistent throughout the whole game, scoring 131. dad started off really poorly, but turned it around and scored spares on the last five frames. in the final frame, he came back with a bonus roll to outscore me with 133. mom was consistently awful. she had a wicked hook and her little five pound ball was mostly in the gutter. if it did make it down to the pins, it was usually going so slow that it would knock down like two pins and then just kind of fall off to the side! she racked up a total of 63 points.

my parents gave me a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle of two wiener dog puppies in a flower garden. it is SO CUTE!! i can't wait to start working on it!

they also bought me a new backpack. the one i currently carry, i have been carrying since 1996. not joking. i appreciate the thought. the new one is nice. but i am having difficulty finding motivation to switch from the tried and true favorite that has gone everywhere with me. (see also: loyalty to green t shirt, and the blue shirt before it.)

the misfit left a package for me in the foyer. inside was a box of popcorn, a bag of uncle eddie's cookies, and a can of pineapple chunks in their own juice. enclosed was a handwritten note: "here are all things i know you totally enjoy. just don't eat them all at once." hahahahaha! (those cookies didn't stand a chance. the pineapples have been consumed as well.)

i also found out that one of the roommates is moving out at the end of this month!! i guess i got what i wished for....for his annoying as shit girlfriend who is always at our house to not come around anymore. well, they are moving in together to another place, so now me and the other roommate will be responsible for his share of the rent unless we find some one to fill the vacant room in two weeks time! meep!

the ideal situation is that jay stein takes a breather from his hectic situation in philly and comes to stay in the chi for a few. move here, help us out, work wherever, rediscover how much he loves life, explore a new city (one that doesn't have a gentleman's agreement against tall buildings).

if we can't find anyone, i am going to have to split, too. i legit can't handle an additional $300 a month.

this winter has been so much better than last year. its night and day. and there is light at the end of the tunnel. yes, its still cold outside, and yes there will be snow, but spring is in sight. school is going well. i'm making new friends and doing fun shit. i like where i live. i like my job. i like that i don't work with that terrible girl anymore. i am making progress with my school goals and will be in a position to take the DAT this time next year.

i've thought about staying up here. i've thought about moving back to stl and going to school there and working wherever and probably start back up killing myself with alcohol. i've thought about moving back to carbondale (then i went to visit and after like five seconds, i knew there was no way that shit was going to happen). i've also thought about using my contacts to secure employment in florida and go to school there. imagine! living in a state of perpetual spring break!

tonight walking around, seeing all the people out and about and breathing in cool crisp air, bundled up in my scarf, hat, mittens over gloves, bright lights, cabs honking horns, i was reminded of how much i really do enjoy living here.

suck my cancer!

seriously, suck it! (i'm feeling slightly angsty today). my shit started bleeding again and i really don't feel like doing laundry right now even though i should just handle it right now and be done. and i've got a lot of pentup energy, which is somewhat of a surprise considering my schedule.


this weekend was pretty good.
on friday night i went to some opening at a polish art center way south. rich was displaying his video work. i ended up hanging out with a boy, joe, the whole time. i met joe earlier this week when he and rich worked on some variety/comedy stuff and i taped it. we had a lot in common and enjoyed pleasant conversation the whole evening. he swims a lot and gave me some clementine oranges, and i offered him some cookies that i baked to bring to the opening. i shoulda got them digits before we parted!

on saturday i worked all afternoon. came home made some satisfying lasagna. the bottom layer was just sauce. in retrospect, this is a waste of a layer. like i should put something else with the sauce. for the second layer, i put silken tofu in the blender with garlic, onion, and oregano, until it was creamy and smooth. the third layer was spinach, broccili, and upton's seitan. there was not room for additional layers as the lasagna had breeched the top of the pan. i wrapped the pan in foil and baked in the oven at 350F degrees for one hour.

then i headed to the movies. i finally made it to see "let the right one in." i have been trying to get to this movie since the chicago international film festival was screening it back in november. it was what i thought it would be but also not. i was expecting it to be more terrifying/horror. the story was great, and i was intrigued by the fact that its a swedish film, shot in the 2000s, yet everyone dresses and cuts their hair like its 1982. blows my mind. the main characters were precious. it didn't terrify me, which was actually a relief since i am such a pansy when horror movies are involved, and i found the story to be quite endearing.

after the movie, i made the mistake of opting to take the cta. took 90 minutes to take a train 2 1/2 miles. not exaggerating. would have walked if the temp wasn't as low as it was and if the neighborhood wasn't so sketch. but what's else was i supposed to do? i'm too thrifty to pay a cab fare.

today is sunday. i worked all afternoon and had a bitchin' hunger headache when i got home. made some delicious pizza and some brownies. i was a bit disappointed with the brownies. i'm still perfecting the recipe i use. they are dense, but this particular time, i only used 1c. sugar. i should have put more in b/c the brownies don't taste sweet. they are not gross, but i am aware of the slightly bitter/unsweetened cocoa. they are the perfect moisture content, and this was the first time i've made brownies with a shot of silken tofu instead of the NRG.

shit i am looking forward to this week:
school starts tuesday. thank god. (i actually really enjoy school and am looking forward to the second semester of physics). i am excited to start finishing things up and applying to dental schools and rocking the DAT. schools i am heavily considering and want to make trips to visit within the next year are UIC b/c i actually really like chicago. SIU b/c i really miss my family and friends in stl. Temple, b/c i love philly and the program there is huge into public health, which i am curious about! Temple also offers joint enrollment in the DMD and MBA programs, so i could potentially graduate with two advanced degress in four years. Arizona b/c the southwest is warm and i love running around outside and riding bikes and hiking. Fifth choice is undecided. i've looked into texas, oregon, minnesota, and boston.

tomorrow the measure is playing at ronny's, so my plan is to go see that show, hang out with people, and listen to GLORIA on repeat on the jukebox and not get served alcohol.

wednesday is payday.

i rec'd a coupon for american airlines. i have to fly by 5/15/09. thats still kinda far in the future, but i before i know it, it'll be spring around here. i might head to dallas to kick it with aunt patty, or go to philly or maybe nashville for a few days.

my sis and i are plotting to get to switzerland this summer so we can gorde ourselves with rich chocolates, blow those massive horn pipes on a mountainside, churn some butter, purchase coo coo clocks, and learn about our heritage; meet some other furkins. (our paternal grandmother was telling me about this, how our family's trade was butter churners. and a furkin is a barrel for storing butter. its also sometimes used in reference to a barrel for beer, and there is a brewery in england by the name of firkin.)

i'm still not doing any cardio, which frustrates the hell out of me, but i do squats in the am and pm as i'm brushing my teeth but i am slightly insane! my arms are so tiny. i have lost a lot of muscle mass, but i am still very toned all over, especially triceps and abs.

we're watching the SNL inaguration bash right now. its pretty hilarious. especially the bill clinton stuff, and of course fey as palin.


i also found $5 on the ground. i used $2.38 to buy four bananas and one can of pineapple chunks in their own juice.

currently:
i am not cold.
but i am lonely.
i haven't cried since wednesday, which occurred (just A LITTLE bit) when i was in my car on the way to second full time job and i was overwhelmed by a song that was on the radio and i missed some one who is very far away right now.
i am in a somewhat pissy mood.
but i don't hate myself anymore.

"shabu! shabu!"

today i learned how to eat with chopsticks! it was so easy! i guess i never had a good teacher before. right away i was picking up bok choy, cabbage, spinach, carrots, broccoli, eggplant, noddles, and tofu and dipping into the apple and peanut sauces!

i also got my car back from the auto body repair shop. i got new headlights and blinkers (even though the front blink was out for months before the wreck). they also put in a new rearview mirror. the old one fell out in the summer of 2006 when i was living in stl. the day was incredibly hot and the adhesive gave. i had been driving without one ever since. the shop also put on a new hood, and painted my car to blend! it's so shiny! and they detailed the inside!!

it smells like new car in there, and i would think that it was if i didn't know any better! only cost $250!

i will admit that was kind of hoping that they were just going to total it and give me a lump sum and then i wouldn't have to deal with having a car. i ended up driving to work today, and parking in my spot in the covered, heated, underground garage. i plan on leaving it there except for school so i don't have to dig it out of the snow and slide around on unplowed streets. i prefer tuning out on the north line compared to sitting in gridlock anyday, anyway.

i baked some really good chocolate chip cookies yesterday. they are delicious! i've got a nice recipe for a strawberry torte i'm going to try later this week.

we're watching movies right now.

'welcome to the dollhouse' = most favorite

"dawn, you are not leaving this table until you tell your sister that you love her!"

what the fuck is wrong with boys in chicago?

Current mood: amused

2008 was a year a lot of people were anxious to put behind them. while 2008 was full of a lot of bullshit for me as well (the month of september can just fall into the ocean and die), and i am going to list all the cool shit that happened in 2008.

january: highlight of this month was the tbr release show at reggies' at the end of the month. i also started school at oakton for the dental science pre-reqs, taking bio and chem. my lab partner and i set the shit out of that curve each test! ha!


february: i spent a lot of time kickin' it with tercha. i headed back to stl for an extended weekend, which included going to the way out for my birthday. lucas' band was playing, and krissy came out and enjoyed a round with me. got more of my leg worked on.




march: headed out to reggies again with andy and a new boy to see the vandals. holy shit, was a great show that was! they played all songs from live fast, anarchy burger, and hitler bad. it was so much fun. little carl was there, and frank, too!
at the end of the month, copyright and tbr played reggies' again for their tour kickoff show.


april: headed back east for an extended weekend to see ergs/weston reunion show at the khyber. best makeout 2008 occured in a philly bathroom. sometimes the people you least expect have the ability to surprise the shit out of you! i headed down to baltimore and enjoyed some warm spring weather and saw the copyrights and tbr at the side bar. i blogged about that trip, too.



may: finished up school. rec'd A's in both classes, no surprise. i really enjoyed chemistry class. i liked the labs and measuring and mixing the chemicals. i also like how everything is accounted for, like shit just doesn't appear out of nowhere or disappear. also in may, the queers played ina reggies'. went to that and some dude out front gave me a ticket so i didn't pay to get in. sang all the ghoulie songs with little carl, then ran into pat and andy and sang along for the queers songs. the show was fun.

went back to stl for bro's h.s. graduation.





june: sis came into town. went to the art institute and kicked it around in evanston. she rolled in with two suitcases and eight pair of shoes for a 36 hours visit. went to humbolt to play kickball and get down on some temptation cones. was first picked in kickball, and the team i was on won the game.





july: paid time off, fool! spent like 15 days in minnesota barnstorming with randall. took megabus to mpls on july 4th to catch D4 and off with their heads at the triple rock, where i ran into cutie pie and said hello to him and his girl. the return plane to chicago with brian almost went down on take off, so we stuck around in mpls waiting for the repairs. flew up to the headwaters, went to a public pool that had crazy slides, canoe on the st. croix WWII bombers air show, science museum, firewords, getting stupid drunk, barnstorming all over iows, minnesota, and wisconsin, viewing extreme thunder storms, tomahawk tomahawk tow crew out of the runway with the big boys! i loved how light it was even at 10pm during the summer!

here are pics from that trip:











August: OFFICIALLY RIPPED!! Highlights include mauled by tigers, swimming, karen's 30bday party, staying up too late to watch the olympics.


October: good shows including screaming females, off with their heads, vitamin x, and riot fest for methadones, tbr, and ergs! sis came to visit, this time with one pair of shoes but eight hoodies. also went to k.c. to visit mawmaw and pawpaw. drove back to stl with sis. we listened to delilah the whole way b/c that was the only thing we could agree on, and she laughed at how i knew all the words to all those silly songs!

this is a pic of me and g-ma in k.c. after having our fill at eden alley:


also in october, i went to fest in gainesville and holy shit that swampy experience was the best fucking weekend of my pathetic fucking life!!!



november: spent a lot of time out of town. went back to stl and got the some more of octopussy filled in. visited my bro's new house, which is RIGHT next to the cemetary. seriously, the headstones are like twenty feet from the back door. apparently they've had two "ghost" encounters. but they also smoke A SHIT-TON of weed.

went to memphis with krissy for her birthday. i drove her nuts by counting out loud every single red tailed hawk i spotted on the way (42). memphis was cool, and not just because of the freezing temps! we went to graceland, which was actually was awesome and not even close to being as cheesy as i thought it would be. hit up beale street and also saw sun studio; the tour guides were some VERY annoying locals we encountered at the show the previous night, but the tour was very informative and interesting.

here's us in a photobooth at graceland:



went out to rockford for thanksgiving on the invitation of my roommate. had a nice time with his family. we played a hilarious game of charades. i ate some lentil pumpkin soup and some cake i made.



december: finished up the first semester of physics. received an A, which i had to work my tail off for.

good shows included harms way/conviected/kings of summer at fubar. good to see bob and his new place doing well. aaaand...tim clarkson is fine as hell! i suspected that he was working out, something he has always denied when i inquired, but greg confrimed that yes, he had been running often and seeing a trainer once a week. also went to see it burns at the lucky gator. those dudes are fun to see perform. spent a lot of time in stl over holidays. my sis wanted to adopt a needy family through the church, but my mom said that they were going to adopt me, so i rec'd a bunch i stuff i actually needed, like grocery cards, food, socks, underwear, warm sweaters and shirts. cash-ola to pay the billZzZ.

went ice skating with the family. fun times. we were a tad unsteady the first few laps but were zomming and crossing over our legs on the turns within a quarter hour. dang zamboni came out and then we had to go in the opposite direction!







NYE was spent filling in for rich last minute to tape a show at bottom lounge. i agreed but immediately regretted it. but turned out i actually enjoyed the bands and everyone was nice and made me feel comfortable/welcome. i hope this can turn into additional production work.


in 2008, i seemed to be written off by one boy who i was friends with for a few years, and he only recently contacted me. i also went on dates with five new boys, four of which never even contacted me in any way afterward, despite the date going well. one i am in still in contact with, but in a friends only basis, which is fine with me. maybe boys in chicago just aren't into busty, leggy broads who are down to go to shows and ride bikes to get shakes. who knows what the fuck is wrong with boys (not just) in chicago?

"no complaints from this girl!"

then i read this for my daily horoscope on 12-31-08:
You are on the threshold of a major shift in your life as joyful Jupiter enters your sign next week to spend most of 2009 expanding your world. But you must be willing to change and to grow in order to make the most of whatever opportunities are offered. This can be challenging for you if you are reluctant to let go of the past. Don't hold on to what you have or you won't be able to grab on to what comes next.