Lonely again today. My sister came into town for a surprise visit. I went to pick her up at the airport on Thursday after work and we went out to get food with our dad and some friends from the neighborhood growing up. Karaoke was also going on, and i wa speechless at seeing all the hossiers in town, wasted on 5 dollar margarita pitchers, dancing in conga lines around the restaurant while their comrades crooned out of tune.
Last night we bbq'd at the house and had the same people over. It was really nice, and I'm glad that we stayed home. It's just way less hassle, and plus, I prefer to cook at home. I know my dad does, too. And mom, i guess. Plus with my vegan diet and my mom not eating gluten, it's just easier to make our own food at home. Mom surprised me with a little sixer of pumpkin beer from the store. I drank three of them last night, and will take the other three to a house party I'm going to later on tonight.
Iron Chic is playing at Cranky Yellow tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Their sound is a little somber. I'm having a hard time today. I went out and rode for two hours this morning; conditions were gorgeous. Mom and dad are at work, and my sister is out doing stuff, so I've been home all day. I don't usually mind. I did my chemistry homework and played the piano.
I'm not lonely, but I am. I don't understand why I am so undateable. I feel utterly alone, even when I hang out with other people. It's like I don't belong. I've been thinking very terrible thoughts that I am ashamed of. I want to get text under my pretty pink flowers. I have been torn between three different ideas, but "Hard to Admit" is the winner. It's hard to admit that I feel utterly alone, even when I'm around so many people. It's hard to admit that I feel guilty about these feelings of hopelessness b/c I do have a supportive family, comfortable living situation, a job that I like, I am able to go to school and learn about subjects that interest me. It's hard to admit that there is some one who i foolishly still think about all the time. It's hard to admit that the ONLY thing that brings me joy is riding my bicycle.
I still stand by the decision to move back to stl as the right one to make. I'm just in a rut, but as time goes by, I feel more and more like I'm just not going to get out of it, no matter how much I want to.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Unofficial end to summer aka winter in my heart
I'm feeling pretty lonely today. I took the day off running/riding b/c my nasal allergies are rampant, conditions outside are kind of way windy. I did go to the swimming pool for thirty minutes earlier. the water was freezing, so i just basked.
I need to relax and live in right now. I'm getting ahead of myself and need to just calm down. My mind is racing with "what ifs" and playing out all different scenerios in my head and I am feeling unnecessarily anxious and making myself nuts for no reason.
On Saturday night I went over to my aunt and uncles house, where my cousins and their spouses and toddler were also visiting. We BBQ'd and had good conversation. I abstained from alcohol b/c I was feeling out of sorts before we even got there. I very much enjoy my extended family, but sometimes I feel really inadequate after we've all been hanging out a while, and they are all telling stories and cutting jokes and I feel...like I don't measure up or something. Maybe they are just really that good at retelling stories, or maybe they are optimistic/happy, and look for the light in situations, that they seem to have the crazies/funniest stories and experiences and I just listen and don't contribute or they make me feel weird if they ask me a question or for input.
Unofficial end to summer aka winter in my heart.
I'm considering getting some lettering on my left arm, tucked up under the flowers. I'm debating between, "I just want you to know" "Hard to Admit" or "Beautiful, Protected, Special, Stupid"
365 days ago my heart smiled.
I need to relax and live in right now. I'm getting ahead of myself and need to just calm down. My mind is racing with "what ifs" and playing out all different scenerios in my head and I am feeling unnecessarily anxious and making myself nuts for no reason.
On Saturday night I went over to my aunt and uncles house, where my cousins and their spouses and toddler were also visiting. We BBQ'd and had good conversation. I abstained from alcohol b/c I was feeling out of sorts before we even got there. I very much enjoy my extended family, but sometimes I feel really inadequate after we've all been hanging out a while, and they are all telling stories and cutting jokes and I feel...like I don't measure up or something. Maybe they are just really that good at retelling stories, or maybe they are optimistic/happy, and look for the light in situations, that they seem to have the crazies/funniest stories and experiences and I just listen and don't contribute or they make me feel weird if they ask me a question or for input.
Unofficial end to summer aka winter in my heart.
I'm considering getting some lettering on my left arm, tucked up under the flowers. I'm debating between, "I just want you to know" "Hard to Admit" or "Beautiful, Protected, Special, Stupid"
365 days ago my heart smiled.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Y'all like to climb!?
On Thursday after work, I went out on the bike alone. My dad had to go to a city council meeting, and sunset is now just at 730pm, so there's not too much time to waste after coming home from work. There was a lot of storm clouds on the radar, so I stayed close to town. Went down Valmeyer Road and hung a right on Bluff Road. Usually I would have turned left onto Ramsey and gone out to the levee, but like I said, there were storm on the horizon, so I stayed close to town. I went straight past the Red Roof gas station and underneath Route 3 and back to Rueck Road. Took that all the way through the neighborhoods there and ended up on Main Street. A fair number of people out. Wind was picking up. I pedaled home along Main and took a left past Parkview and the high school, crossed 3 at the stoplight and was home. Out a total of 45 minutes.
When I moved back here, I spent a lot of time organizing the basement. My bro and his friends had been living down there for over a year and the space was just wrecked. I cleaned up a lot, but it's not finished yet. Mostly I waiting for large trash day b/c there is some disgusting furniture pieces that need to get thrown out! But I did clear a little area and set up the heavy bag, weight bar, some dumb bells, and a mat, and even propped up the wall mirror that had previously been in the upstairs bathroom before the remodel. I also found a timer that I can set up for 2 or 3 minute rounds with breaks so I can do a circuit.
So after the ride I went down to the basement and lifted some and stretched out thoroughly.
Yesterday was Friday, and I was off of work! It was a very productive day for me. In the AM at least. Woke up at 620 and COULD NOT get back to sleep. So I settled all my banking account stuff, paid some bills online, changed my address with the post office, and then I went out on the bike for 2 hours and 20 minutes. All I have to say about the ride is, "Y'all like to climb!?" b/c this was all hills. I didn't mind, though, b/c then I got to ZOOOOOOM down the other side. The route was also very isolated, and I encountered very few cars. At one point, a little over 90 minutes in, I though I was lost. I had a phone on me, but I was so remote there was no bars and even I did call some one, it would have been difficult to describe to them where I was.
No worry, though, b/c I figured it out and made it home with no problems. The day was gorgeous, even a little chilly. Very windy, but nice blue sky with fair-weather cumulus clouds. I took a lot of pictures and made a google MyMaps of the route.
There's a lot more posted on my photobucket, which is found here:
http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i51/stl_susan/Bike%20sky%20flowers%20etc/
I passed out last night at 9pm and still have some nasal allergy hassles even though I use the neti pot and have been taking an allergy pill for over two weeks.
My hamstrings are really tight today and I'm going to BBQ with my mom and dad tonight so we're going to prep some stuff up this afternoon. I'm so happy to be back home!! :)
When I moved back here, I spent a lot of time organizing the basement. My bro and his friends had been living down there for over a year and the space was just wrecked. I cleaned up a lot, but it's not finished yet. Mostly I waiting for large trash day b/c there is some disgusting furniture pieces that need to get thrown out! But I did clear a little area and set up the heavy bag, weight bar, some dumb bells, and a mat, and even propped up the wall mirror that had previously been in the upstairs bathroom before the remodel. I also found a timer that I can set up for 2 or 3 minute rounds with breaks so I can do a circuit.
So after the ride I went down to the basement and lifted some and stretched out thoroughly.
Yesterday was Friday, and I was off of work! It was a very productive day for me. In the AM at least. Woke up at 620 and COULD NOT get back to sleep. So I settled all my banking account stuff, paid some bills online, changed my address with the post office, and then I went out on the bike for 2 hours and 20 minutes. All I have to say about the ride is, "Y'all like to climb!?" b/c this was all hills. I didn't mind, though, b/c then I got to ZOOOOOOM down the other side. The route was also very isolated, and I encountered very few cars. At one point, a little over 90 minutes in, I though I was lost. I had a phone on me, but I was so remote there was no bars and even I did call some one, it would have been difficult to describe to them where I was.
No worry, though, b/c I figured it out and made it home with no problems. The day was gorgeous, even a little chilly. Very windy, but nice blue sky with fair-weather cumulus clouds. I took a lot of pictures and made a google MyMaps of the route.
There's a lot more posted on my photobucket, which is found here:
http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i51/stl_susan/Bike%20sky%20flowers%20etc/
I passed out last night at 9pm and still have some nasal allergy hassles even though I use the neti pot and have been taking an allergy pill for over two weeks.
My hamstrings are really tight today and I'm going to BBQ with my mom and dad tonight so we're going to prep some stuff up this afternoon. I'm so happy to be back home!! :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Done by noon
Saturday morning. Air temp 55F. Wind < 10mph. Rode 35 miles. Created a map for the route on google mymaps. Had a hard time with the double-back for the loop, so the mileage is incorrect, but the route is correct. The morning was gorgeous. I saw a lot of wading birds, encountered few cars, one dog, several riders and two joggers. Had some fun with the camera on the way back home.
Then I rented my textbooks on chegg and saved $292.44 and planted a tree in Lake Tahoe.
I went to the pool with my mom for an hour. The water was surprisingly chilly, but I still waded in. My mom is kind of a babe. (AKA too bad I look like my dad! haha!) (j/k)
Then I rented my textbooks on chegg and saved $292.44 and planted a tree in Lake Tahoe.
Was (obviously) pretty worn out by Saturday night. Still managed to leave the house and go to a house party in South City. Locals + one touring band from Madison. Totally sweet. Loud, fast pop punk. I played the wii for the first time and bought a 7" before I left.
Had a fun time at the party with friends and was glad that i went.
Slept late today and relaxed around the house as air temp is currently 90F and there is a fierce wind. I did some more research for the wind turbine. I have decided on the VAWT. I would like to construct this using recycled materials, namely an old bicycle wheel. I have some more research to do as far as what exact model of magnet motor I want to use, although I'm not adverse to making my own out of magnets and copper coil. Need to consult an electrician about the set up to the grid once I have the charge running and stored into the batteries.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
It's not the heat...
I've been back in Stl for almost two weeks.
I forgot how humid the summer gets. Its oppressive. I have gone out on the bikes with my dad only once. I know we'll go out more in another month when things cool off some.
the new job is totally badass. i love it. It's messy as hell, the surgeon is a very talented doctor, the co-workers are all very nice, friendly people. the commute is nothing.
On friday night, i went to a house party/basement show. doppleganger, wompers, squidblade. (who are the best band in stl right now in my opinion). the basement space was great for shows. usually suspects in attendance, and i felt like everything just picked up right where i left off. good times! kind of weird, though, getting used to driving home. i could only drink two beers b/c i had to drive home after. need to get used to that, being responsible and all.
on saturday night, nate had a graduation party at his house. it was a pretty low key event. his family is really nice. when chris was off work, he drove over to the house and we had a few beers then drove to the silver ballroom. totally sweet new (to me at least) bar on morganford that had like ten pinball machines. we played mars attacks, dr. dude, and pin bot. ran into krissy and nighthawk (not together) there. totally got was intoxicated and slept in nate's sister's room in teh basement. chris' car blew a tire and he ended up staying upstairs in nate's bed and nate slept on the couch. all in all, a good night.
on sunday, went to lemmon's for a show. goddamm i freaking hate going to that place b/c the bartenders are the absolute worst! blows my mind. bands were ALL amazing. lipstick homicide (totally adorable and rocked the fuck out), hold tight! (lifetime jr, yes please!), deth warrent (crazy seeing uncle benny, i mean mr. dr. s furkin-eads, kevin, jimmy nick, and ben's bro again so soon. but they totally threw down. i have a MAJOR crush on ben's brother's hair), and squidblad closed out the show. again, they are the best band in stl right now in my opinion. too bad nate is moving.
been hanging out at my parents' house all week after work. mom and i went to the swimming pool and just floated around on monday afternoon.
nice to spend time with weinus dog. i have missed him so much!
so far so good, in the stl. could use more diaz. i admit, i have a crush.
I forgot how humid the summer gets. Its oppressive. I have gone out on the bikes with my dad only once. I know we'll go out more in another month when things cool off some.
the new job is totally badass. i love it. It's messy as hell, the surgeon is a very talented doctor, the co-workers are all very nice, friendly people. the commute is nothing.
On friday night, i went to a house party/basement show. doppleganger, wompers, squidblade. (who are the best band in stl right now in my opinion). the basement space was great for shows. usually suspects in attendance, and i felt like everything just picked up right where i left off. good times! kind of weird, though, getting used to driving home. i could only drink two beers b/c i had to drive home after. need to get used to that, being responsible and all.
on saturday night, nate had a graduation party at his house. it was a pretty low key event. his family is really nice. when chris was off work, he drove over to the house and we had a few beers then drove to the silver ballroom. totally sweet new (to me at least) bar on morganford that had like ten pinball machines. we played mars attacks, dr. dude, and pin bot. ran into krissy and nighthawk (not together) there. totally got was intoxicated and slept in nate's sister's room in teh basement. chris' car blew a tire and he ended up staying upstairs in nate's bed and nate slept on the couch. all in all, a good night.
on sunday, went to lemmon's for a show. goddamm i freaking hate going to that place b/c the bartenders are the absolute worst! blows my mind. bands were ALL amazing. lipstick homicide (totally adorable and rocked the fuck out), hold tight! (lifetime jr, yes please!), deth warrent (crazy seeing uncle benny, i mean mr. dr. s furkin-eads, kevin, jimmy nick, and ben's bro again so soon. but they totally threw down. i have a MAJOR crush on ben's brother's hair), and squidblad closed out the show. again, they are the best band in stl right now in my opinion. too bad nate is moving.
been hanging out at my parents' house all week after work. mom and i went to the swimming pool and just floated around on monday afternoon.
nice to spend time with weinus dog. i have missed him so much!
so far so good, in the stl. could use more diaz. i admit, i have a crush.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Last Sunday in Chicago (for now)
Goodbye, house!!
I will miss:
* Hanging out with Roy. I sincerely believe that you saved my life when we became friends and finally started hanging out already
* Getting down on delicious veg food with Johnny and friends. life on mars, handlebar, pick me up, irazu, 90 miles
*That skyline
*Pedaling while intoxicated
*shows! shows! shows!
* my school
*the cutest boys reside in Logan Square. Each and every one of you make me smile.
I promise I will be back!
I will miss:
* Hanging out with Roy. I sincerely believe that you saved my life when we became friends and finally started hanging out already
* Getting down on delicious veg food with Johnny and friends. life on mars, handlebar, pick me up, irazu, 90 miles
*That skyline
*Pedaling while intoxicated
*shows! shows! shows!
* my school
*the cutest boys reside in Logan Square. Each and every one of you make me smile.
I promise I will be back!
Last Saturday in Chicago (for now)
Went to Warped Tour today. Wow. haven't been to one of those since 2001. Was not really into that many of the bands. I just don't get this new crossover metal bullshit i guess. The best band of the day, in my opinion, was face to face. give me loud, fast, old school socal punk anyday, please.
We lucked out on the weather. overcast and not too hot or humid. Rode there with Beth, Phil, Roy, and Christina. Met up with Mogan, Kevin, Michelle, and Lauren, who was in charge of the guest list and got us in for free, with "all access" passes. "no escort needed" so we could go wherever we wanted.
For lunch we back where the buses were and there was a huge catering semi. it was 12 for a meal ticket, but worth it in my opinion. I got soooo much food. they had excellent veg options, including deilicous bread for a sandwich, veg bbq chickun nuggets, fruit salad, sodas/drinks. a caggabe and corn slaw that is one of the most flavorful sides i have ever tasted. need to look for a recipe for that.
Went to lauren's bus and chilled. it was pretty decked out. fridge full of beer and a flatscreen television.
Bands we saw included set your goals (good stuff), dillinger escape plan (total dream boat on second guitar), a.w.k. (don't stop partying, too many people are counting on you!), the trio (i don't care/never did/never will), face to face (see above). here's some sweet pics. also, phil is a totally dream boat. would totally go on a date with him. totally exhausted. slept in the car the whole ride back from tinley.
We lucked out on the weather. overcast and not too hot or humid. Rode there with Beth, Phil, Roy, and Christina. Met up with Mogan, Kevin, Michelle, and Lauren, who was in charge of the guest list and got us in for free, with "all access" passes. "no escort needed" so we could go wherever we wanted.
For lunch we back where the buses were and there was a huge catering semi. it was 12 for a meal ticket, but worth it in my opinion. I got soooo much food. they had excellent veg options, including deilicous bread for a sandwich, veg bbq chickun nuggets, fruit salad, sodas/drinks. a caggabe and corn slaw that is one of the most flavorful sides i have ever tasted. need to look for a recipe for that.
Went to lauren's bus and chilled. it was pretty decked out. fridge full of beer and a flatscreen television.
Bands we saw included set your goals (good stuff), dillinger escape plan (total dream boat on second guitar), a.w.k. (don't stop partying, too many people are counting on you!), the trio (i don't care/never did/never will), face to face (see above). here's some sweet pics. also, phil is a totally dream boat. would totally go on a date with him. totally exhausted. slept in the car the whole ride back from tinley.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)