Lonely again today. My sister came into town for a surprise visit. I went to pick her up at the airport on Thursday after work and we went out to get food with our dad and some friends from the neighborhood growing up. Karaoke was also going on, and i wa speechless at seeing all the hossiers in town, wasted on 5 dollar margarita pitchers, dancing in conga lines around the restaurant while their comrades crooned out of tune.
Last night we bbq'd at the house and had the same people over. It was really nice, and I'm glad that we stayed home. It's just way less hassle, and plus, I prefer to cook at home. I know my dad does, too. And mom, i guess. Plus with my vegan diet and my mom not eating gluten, it's just easier to make our own food at home. Mom surprised me with a little sixer of pumpkin beer from the store. I drank three of them last night, and will take the other three to a house party I'm going to later on tonight.
Iron Chic is playing at Cranky Yellow tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Their sound is a little somber. I'm having a hard time today. I went out and rode for two hours this morning; conditions were gorgeous. Mom and dad are at work, and my sister is out doing stuff, so I've been home all day. I don't usually mind. I did my chemistry homework and played the piano.
I'm not lonely, but I am. I don't understand why I am so undateable. I feel utterly alone, even when I hang out with other people. It's like I don't belong. I've been thinking very terrible thoughts that I am ashamed of. I want to get text under my pretty pink flowers. I have been torn between three different ideas, but "Hard to Admit" is the winner. It's hard to admit that I feel utterly alone, even when I'm around so many people. It's hard to admit that I feel guilty about these feelings of hopelessness b/c I do have a supportive family, comfortable living situation, a job that I like, I am able to go to school and learn about subjects that interest me. It's hard to admit that there is some one who i foolishly still think about all the time. It's hard to admit that the ONLY thing that brings me joy is riding my bicycle.
I still stand by the decision to move back to stl as the right one to make. I'm just in a rut, but as time goes by, I feel more and more like I'm just not going to get out of it, no matter how much I want to.
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