Unofficial end to summer aka winter in my heart

I'm feeling pretty lonely today. I took the day off running/riding b/c my nasal allergies are rampant, conditions outside are kind of way windy. I did go to the swimming pool for thirty minutes earlier. the water was freezing, so i just basked.

I need to relax and live in right now. I'm getting ahead of myself and need to just calm down. My mind is racing with "what ifs" and playing out all different scenerios in my head and I am feeling unnecessarily anxious and making myself nuts for no reason.

On Saturday night I went over to my aunt and uncles house, where my cousins and their spouses and toddler were also visiting. We BBQ'd and had good conversation. I abstained from alcohol b/c I was feeling out of sorts before we even got there. I very much enjoy my extended family, but sometimes I feel really inadequate after we've all been hanging out a while, and they are all telling stories and cutting jokes and I feel...like I don't measure up or something. Maybe they are just really that good at retelling stories, or maybe they are optimistic/happy, and look for the light in situations, that they seem to have the crazies/funniest stories and experiences and I just listen and don't contribute or they make me feel weird if they ask me a question or for input.

Unofficial end to summer aka winter in my heart.

I'm considering getting some lettering on my left arm, tucked up under the flowers. I'm debating between, "I just want you to know" "Hard to Admit" or "Beautiful, Protected, Special, Stupid"

365 days ago my heart smiled.