Burn down the house and move to Tampa.

Current mood:more vox in the monitor

another sleepless night.

i don't think for a second that i am the only one who has a difficult time around the holidays and this year was no exception. i'm clouded and confused and having a difficult time focusing on important things for which i am thankful, such as my family, good health this year, and the fact that i am happily employed with the end of school in sight. some days i want to fuck up everything i've put some much effort into and run away for stupid reasons that won't matter to me in a short time from now. but i am stubborn as hell and i won't let go of the fact that my heart is somewhere under my bed covered in dust bunnies.

i use the excuse that its too cold out and i don't want to leave the house but the truth is that i am severely depressed and i can't find the energy to get myself up. i had loose plans to drive to a show tonight but when my friend backed out and another got a ride with other people, i legit could not get up to leave the house. i don't want to go out and see people having a good time, i sure as hell don't want/need to drink alcohol/any depressant drugs, and i have absolutely no desire to meet boys or begin to sift through the sea of single shithead dudes in chicago. i started to cry over the phone when my mom called me which made my sinuses flair up and my head start to ache.

i did go to a show when i was back home in stl. it was on xmas night, and i saw a lot of people and it was fun but things are different. its obvious that i don't live in stl anymore and things are changed. when i was home i didn't call anyone to hang out, and no one called me.

this is not the blog i wanted to write as 2009 came to a close and as 2010 and a new decade was ushered in. for the past week or so i have been trying to remember cool shit/good things that happened in 2009 so i could recap the year into a blog of happy times that i could re-read and remember, but i feel like 2009 really sped by unmemorable. i worked 346 days out of 365 and went to school four nights a week and time has pretty much passed unremarkable. yeah i went to shows and stuff but nothing that was totally awesome or exceptional or that i hadn't already seen. i met an awesome boy at the end of summer and had a fantastic fall. it was actually bearable. i didn't take notice of the darkness at 4:30 and the month-long gloom of october. i had something to look forward to.

a boy! a stupid boy! this is what i'm so upset about? even as i'm typing this and rereading it, i sound like a lame little baby! and we all know that only babies cry! like i said, i am stubborn and not enough time has passed for me. i know people come and go in our lives all the time.

i'm leaving for florida on wednesday afternoon.

"we don't need a receipt. the beer will not be returned."

Current mood:overheard at the liquor store

i don't know how to describe what is happening. i assure you, though, that i am smiling.

labor day weekend 2009:
movies/food with out of town friend
banner pilot at ronny's
after hours til 6am
lazy sunday afternoon/no work
stoked on an invite to a house party
rage until 8am
closed doors mouths open
$50 beachage (worth every cent!)
good hangout/rice krispy desserts/dexter viewing with one of my forever favs.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Current mood:i should probably attempt to sleep soon

summer school started tonight. i enjoy the eight week summer session. let's get this over with, ya know? no b.s. dragging this out a whole sixteen week semester.

professor seems pretty alright. he's an old dude schooled back east, so points plus for that, and he's worked with chemists and physicists all over the united states, canada, and europe and was part of a team that won a nobel prize way back. i was very surprised when he told us he was also into physics b/c all prior academic experience has been with chem professors who legit didn't get physics, and with physics profs who legit could not comprehend chem.

he talks a little too quietly, though. i prefer to sit in the back, b/c i like to be able to see everything that is going on, but i might have to head to the front of the class for this one's lecture.

yesterday was sunday, and it was a good day. after work i met up with rich and joe at a wetlands preserve to shoot some comedy stuff. it was a lot of fun. both put lots of effort into their characters and costumes. and joe built this elaborate net/trap thing that rich hung from a tree inside. it was hilarious. i manned the camera. the location was visually interesting. there was a lagoon area with reeds and deer and ducks, and a stream area. we got a lot of good shots.

afterwards, we went to some pita place and i ate a lot of hommus, babaganoosh, and jerusalem salad. it was very satisfying. we really lucked out b/c there was not rain at all while we shot during the afternoon/evening, and when we were eating, rains started falling pretty heavily.

today i left work early and ran in the woods. i did my usual 3+ mile loop in just over 23 minutes. i timed myself with the stopwatch on my cell phone, and the middle two miles i paced at 7:14 and 7:11. haulin'! it was hot, too! and all kinds of those little cotton ball things flying around in the air.

i have decided to forego the accenture triathelon at the end of summer. yeah, i guess its a goal and all, but i know i can do all those distances/events, but i'd like to be competitive in my age group. i do not want to buy all kinds of fancy (read: expensive) gear to help my stay competitive in my age group. things i would need include: wetsuit, tri racing bike, clip shoes, and all kinds of accessories for water/food/etc. fuck that. i want to spend my money on other things (see below).

i went to see tattoo guy about finishing up the underwater scene on my leg. hoping to get started on that in the next couple of weeks. i am looking forward to that.

i am also looking forward to a trip to philly in august. i purchased plane tickets and concert tickets tonight. lifetime, 'souls, 7 seconds, and tim barry at the trocedaro theater in chinatown.

i have a headache right now, but i am also riled up.

current conditions:
temp: 74F
skies: mostly cloudy
winds: NW 15 to 25mph
precipitation: scattered

the sunset was gorgeous tonight. i was traveling south on my was home from school and viewing the pink and blue storm clouds building up behind the skyline and to the east over the lake was spectactular!

this video rules. the sound quality is amazing, especially considering its a live recording from the late 80s. also, the audio of the crowd singing along gives me chills...in a good way.

Going to shows sober

went to D4 at bottom lounge tonight. this was def the best time i've had there. granted, the other times it was for working/shooting, but today i was there to see the bands. rolled in during the middle of japanther. they would have been waaaaaay better in a basement and not some legit club with a real PA and shit in front of a full crowd not moving around.

D4 was pretty solid. probably about the same as when i saw them just last month at reggie's. they played a different set list, which was nice, and it was their usual lineup so they played more songs and not just the ten or so that ronnie knew for drums last time.

i ran into roy from school there as i was waiting to pay the doorman and i talked with him and ended up standing/dancing by him and his friends about three rows from the back edge of the pit. i liked it b/c i could actually enjoy the songs and sing along and bounce in my own little space and not fight drunk idiots up in the front.

at first i wasn't sure if i was going to go. and i was hesitant to drive b/c the neighborhood where the bottom lounge is located is not the best and i didn't want to have to park too far away. and its off the green line, which is a hassel b/c i'm blue. but i'm glad i went, and i did drive and got a spot under the tracks about two blocks away, so that's not too bad!

i haven't necessarily been depressed the past couple of days, but perhaps just quiet and internalizing a lot of my frustrations. i have ran in the forest preserve after work the past two days for a total of one hour and six minutes, with plans to run again tomorrow.

i feel like after the show my mood has picked up. like i said, the set was good, the banter to a minimum but hilarious as usual. good people in attendance. no hassels. and i'm looking forward to shooting (pictures, not skeet) this weekend with some people after work.

Current Conditions:
temp: 53F
skies: Clear
winds: Calm
Sunset: 8:21pm
Ears: Ringing

"tonight will ruin tomorrow"

Current mood: lonely

rode my bike for about 90 minutes tonight. slower cruising pace to shake the melancholy. took armitage to the lakefront. passed the lincoln park zoo. made me think about how when nate and i drove up here for a show and he drank beers in the car the whole way and COULD NOT hold it for like five more minutes, and ran out of the car and into the dark night, my foot on the brake at a red light. i pulled off on a side street and waited til he came back from peeing on the gate!

soooo, rode to the lakefront. it was gorgeous. i little chill to the air. the lake was a deep deep blue and the sky was cloudless with hints of pink and yellow at twilight. there was a lot of people out riding bikes and running. there was also a lot of people sitting on the big concrete stairs just looking at the water. i wonder if everyone who sits and watches the water is lonely. there were few boats and waves were long and slow. gulls hovered in the air scavenging for food. in the distance the ferris wheel was alit and the downtown skyline was getting there.




i wonder if everyone who sits and watches the water is lonely.

helloooooo, gorgeous!

Current mood:quiet.

i took advantage of a day and a half off work and a free train pass and went to stl.

chicago was experiencing rainy conditions on tuesday, and i was glad i went back to get my umbrella before departing for union station. the station was packed and the train was sold out. i got a window seat and another girl about the same age as me sat next to me. we made excellent time. we kept a strong pace the whole way and didn't have to wait for passing freights. i really enjoyed looking out the window and watching the rain. i spotted two blue herons, one flying and one perched atop a telephone pole (very surprised to see it perched as usually i see them slowly sauntering through the water, their long stick legs like reeds). i also saw a lot of rabbits, and a deer! at one point when we passed over a creek, i saw three large birds dive-bombing together. i thought maybe they were hawks b/c of their size/build, but i have never really seen hawks travel in a pack like that. but they were definitely large birds of prey.

i arrived late on tuesday night, to the familiar thickness of st. louis humidity. i had not taken the train since the new station was opened back at the end of 2008. it looked really nice, like a legit depot. it is somewhat of a hub for metrolink, greyhound, and amtrak. it looks really nice. and its RIGHT under the highway. my dad informed me that a large chunk of 40 is still closed, so the explained why there was, like, no eastbound traffic.

the downtown looked gorgeous. i love looking at the buildings at night, and city hall on this evening, looked particulary elegant. that yellowish color to the stone seemed to glow in the dark, and the landscaping and planter boxes full of pink blooms were a pretty contrast. even the old keil opera house looked elegantly gothic and for the first time in years i took notice on the stone bears out front on the steps.

once home, i stayed up late with weiner dog, in the kitchen boiling some noodles.

on wednesday, i woke up and played the piano for about an hour. its crazy out of tune and some the keys stick, which drives me crazy, but i enjoy playing, and i went through all the old pieces i played for guild when i was younger--fifth avenue poodle, fur elise, turkish rhondo, gyspy rhondo, and zug der zwerge.

i drove my mom's car to her school to eat lunch with her. it was the last day of school, and i had a nice time seeing her class and also going to visit some of the teachers i had in high school and middle school, who i always make a point to stop by and say hello to when i'm back. my sophomore year english teacher is now a librarian and she told me that she had just finished a book and was sending it off to the presses this coming friday. i thought that was exciting!

my bro came over to the house and we went out on the bikes for like two hours. we rode out to the levee and encountered only four cars the whole time. it was awesome. the sky was magnificent blue and the wheat crop and soy bean fields along the bottoms were just starting to sprout and everything was green and lush. there was a lot of flooding and we saw a lot of wading birds. we had a good ride and had good conversation. i also gained some perspective and insight into my goal of pacific-atlantic that i am going to embark on next year.

i've been torn as to if i should go solo or tour with a group. after going out with my bro, i realize that i should solo. i also felt like group tour would be nice b/c of having to carry all the gear, but i can carry all the gear myself. i was also worried about pushing myself to hard to get finished, but when i rode w/ my bro, we just cruised along at a walking pace, and i didn't get tired. i know i could keep that up all day, day after day. we talked a lot about different fun outdoor side trips, like rafting.

on the way back home, we stopped at the pool in our neighborhood and cooled off. i thought that the water would be way cold since the pool just opened on monday, but the water was perfect. clear and refreshing. we mainly stayed in the deep end, treading and diving for this torpedo toy, and then we we got out, we let the sun/air dry us off as we reclined in the chairs.

once home, we passed out, only to be jolted awake to booming thunder! power went out three times, and once lightning stuck so close we thought that maybe it was in the backyard, but nothing was on fire/burned. storms all night long!

dad took my to the train station this morning at 430am. i didn't cry in the car, but i wanted to b/c i didn't want to come back up here just yet. luckily i slept the whole way back, and i went straight to work, where i was distracted the whole time.

the trip was too quick. i decided to visit b/c i needed a dose of familiarity and my mom and a break from my hectic schedule up here. i have felt so burned out. yesterday was great, i just wish it could have lasted longer.

texts from last night

Current mood:sweden!

went to reggie's last night for the final day of the windy city sound clash. it was an alright time! not nearly as many people i was expecting to see there, but i was very surprised and happy to see so many people from out of town. there was a little group from stl, of course including the humanoids. goddam, clarkson sr is still looking so good it makes my legs shake a little. we spent a lot of time at the show together talking.

i also saw some people from back east, who i was very surprised to see. and of course the usual suspects from chicago who i see everytime. all in all, good hangout all night.

as far as the performances, phil and keith came out and played four teen idols songs with members of other bands. it was a little teaser set for when they play a full set at the end of june. even though it was just the two of them and then guest members, the songs were totally solid. so loud and so fast and keith was great to watch up on the stage. and while i'm not usually into older dudes, phillip hill makes my heart beat faster.

i was pleased with the humanoids. clarkson asked me about their set, and i said that i liked it. which is true. this is the second time i've seen them at a legit club with real sound board and stuff. so it sounded full and well mixed. they played some songs that i did not know, so that was nice. his vocals sounded a little raspier than usual, and there was a few times where clarkson jr sang some random back ups, and i asked if they practiced those or if he just sometimes throws them in there. the answer is the latter. ha!

i was amped to see dear landlord, and while there set was loud and fast, there were some mistakes, including a full out stop on 'i'm not saying git 'er done but don't just stand there.' i kinda laughed b/c the little group of us down by the stage was yelling/singing along to try to keep it going and they just stayed stopped. brett said let's just start where we left off, and they messed up again and then that was the end of it. also, no matter how many times i listen to "crashing" i always get fooled by the ending. i think its over, and then they start in again. even when that 7" is on the turntable again and again, it tricks me everytime! i like that brett gets a chance to sing leads on more songs that he does in copyrights, and i like the raspy sound of zach's voice. and brad is enjoyable to watch play. he's so small, and i like how he puts his shoulders into it. i am going to be back east in june for some stuff, and i am hoping to catch them again then, hopefully after some more practices.

spoke with funberg, of course. always look forward to seeing him and asking what his new adventure is. this time, it was a book he was reading, entitled 'a year of biblical living.' i asked if this was going to be the new funberg endevor for the next 365 and he laughed and said no! it was for entertainment purposes only.

i got to sleep in today, which was soooo awesome. i have been feeling so burned out. i am going to spring clean my room. switch out all the winter stuff for summer stuff and sell/donate anything i didn't wear.

the new upstairs neighbors are extreme party animals. some one was even bouncing a basketball last night. double you tee eff, dude? and i usually sleep all through the night, but last night, some one came crashing through the back door and knocked over a bunch of chairs and stuff in the kitchen and threw up everywhere in the bathroom. DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF, DUDE?

i'm not really complaining b/c the situation has been remedied by the responsible parties, and besides, i am holding a letter in my hand from my doctor, confirming that my pussy is immaculate. "see you in six months!"


i've been browsing on youtube, but haven't found a video to mesh with my current mood. so i am offering up lifetime's northbound breakdown, even though i think this particular video is kinda weak. i do love riding in the car, turning this shit up so loud. summer's here!