Burn down the house and move to Tampa.

Current mood:more vox in the monitor

another sleepless night.

i don't think for a second that i am the only one who has a difficult time around the holidays and this year was no exception. i'm clouded and confused and having a difficult time focusing on important things for which i am thankful, such as my family, good health this year, and the fact that i am happily employed with the end of school in sight. some days i want to fuck up everything i've put some much effort into and run away for stupid reasons that won't matter to me in a short time from now. but i am stubborn as hell and i won't let go of the fact that my heart is somewhere under my bed covered in dust bunnies.

i use the excuse that its too cold out and i don't want to leave the house but the truth is that i am severely depressed and i can't find the energy to get myself up. i had loose plans to drive to a show tonight but when my friend backed out and another got a ride with other people, i legit could not get up to leave the house. i don't want to go out and see people having a good time, i sure as hell don't want/need to drink alcohol/any depressant drugs, and i have absolutely no desire to meet boys or begin to sift through the sea of single shithead dudes in chicago. i started to cry over the phone when my mom called me which made my sinuses flair up and my head start to ache.

i did go to a show when i was back home in stl. it was on xmas night, and i saw a lot of people and it was fun but things are different. its obvious that i don't live in stl anymore and things are changed. when i was home i didn't call anyone to hang out, and no one called me.

this is not the blog i wanted to write as 2009 came to a close and as 2010 and a new decade was ushered in. for the past week or so i have been trying to remember cool shit/good things that happened in 2009 so i could recap the year into a blog of happy times that i could re-read and remember, but i feel like 2009 really sped by unmemorable. i worked 346 days out of 365 and went to school four nights a week and time has pretty much passed unremarkable. yeah i went to shows and stuff but nothing that was totally awesome or exceptional or that i hadn't already seen. i met an awesome boy at the end of summer and had a fantastic fall. it was actually bearable. i didn't take notice of the darkness at 4:30 and the month-long gloom of october. i had something to look forward to.

a boy! a stupid boy! this is what i'm so upset about? even as i'm typing this and rereading it, i sound like a lame little baby! and we all know that only babies cry! like i said, i am stubborn and not enough time has passed for me. i know people come and go in our lives all the time.

i'm leaving for florida on wednesday afternoon.