Too much stock in what once was and not in what I really have

I've been running out of steam again the past few days.

On Friday, I fell while on my bike. I had to stop suddenly, and I was still clipped in. I just fell over, my feet still in my shoes, clipped onto the pedals. I feel like a fucking idiot. I just laid in the street for about fifteen seconds. I have road burn on my elbow, knee, and back, and my ankle is twisted and tender to walk on.

I have been bingeing. I have spent about $4000 in the past two weeks. I bought some summer clothes, some skin care products, a new haircut, the bike, shoes. I feel really lousy and low on energy. I still cannot stop thinking about Giuseppe. It's so stupid, and I feel really immature. I'm the only one who is suffering. I just feel utterly alone again. I want to do awesome shit this summer, but so far I'm going to be doing it alone because no one else has time/money.

Andrew and I went to get food yesterday, which was nice. He does not want to be together any more, which is fine with me because I don't either. I have been so afraid that he hates me or would be mean/inappropriate if I see him out at shows and such, but he said we are cool. That makes me feel so much better, but I'm still really sad about the whole situation. I'm just glad that Andrew is happy, because I love him and he doesn't deserve to have me being so hot/cold.

Karen and I went to the casino on Friday night. It was going good for a while then it got really bad really fast. I was asked for my phone number. He has not called, which I was not expecting him to yet. Karen said he probably will though because he seemed stoked that I gave him my number and he has wanted to ask me for it for a while. So we will see. Right now, the anticipation is not enough to pull me out of my rut, and I would be lying if I said that I have not been thinking about horrible things again.

I really need to see some one; get on some medicine, because if I don't, I feel like I don't have much time left. It's as bad as it was back at the end of 2006 - early 2007 before I moved away. My room is still a complete mess. A few weeks ago, I took out everything that I didn't want/need and donated it, but there is still a lot of stuff. I know it's mental illness; I just can even begin to deal with it.

I think one of my problems is that I live in this fantasy world inside my head and when my real life experiences do not live up to what I have created and built up in my head, I freak out and turn inside myself.



Here's a photo of me in new clothes and haircut on Saturday: