How long is summer?

Well, well. Surprise, surprise. I'm back on top of this crazy roller coaster.

Some friends from MPLS were in town last Wednesday and Sam and I spent the evening together at the show. Then we went to afterhours and pretty much sat on the steps in the back yard catching up, making out, being close. I sincerely enjoy kissing him and I don't understand why I am so drawn to him. We left the party at like 430am and I bought a really dirty and cheap motel room in the county. The timestamp on the receipt is 4:44am. It was an incredibly hot time. Sam is exactly how I remember.

There were two beds in the room, a nightstand with a lamp, and that was about it. Sam and I soaked the first bed, then switched to the second bed to pass out.

I called in dead to work.

We were both sleeping naked, wrapped up in the light sheets with the AC on, a little sunlight was shining through some holes that were in the curtains. I had my alarm set but both of us were already somewhat awake, in that wonderful early morning lucid dream state. I was getting wet again. Sam was laying face down next to me, looking at me with one eye open, the other buried in the pillow. I asked him if he wanted to do it again before we left. He smiled and nodded yes. I asked him if he wanted to sleep more first or do it now. He wanted to do it now.

We were both ready to go and banged out for another 40 minutes before showering and leaving to get food. I took him to Everest Cafe for the lunch buffet. It was really crowded, but a good time. We had maybe a ten minute wait for a table. We sat in the tall chairs at the bar. Sam got a beer and a whiskey. It was a very generous pour in a glass. Sam doesn't each much, which is fine; but he still finished one whole plate. He liked it there, and I was glad.

Thursday afternoon was nice. Blue sky with lots of white puffy sleepy clouds. Breezy, almost chilly in the shade. Too chilly to go swimming. We went back to the house everyone slept at the night before and hung out on the porch for a few hours.

We parted ways until next time. Next time will be this coming weekend. I am going to MPLS for D4th of July at the Triple Rock. I'm excited about it. Slow Death is one of the openers, which I always enjoy seeing them perform.

I had to drive to KCMO on Thursday afternoon b/c I had to be at a seminar on Friday at 9am. I was incredibly tired driving the car after no sleep. But I turned on some songs and sand along and made it without incident. I rolled into town at about 9pm, just as the sun was starting to dip below the horizon. Summer is gorgeous and my favorite time of year. I love the long days.

I stayed with mawmaw, pawpaw, and Aunt Patty. I know it is important to see them and visit them, but Goddamn, they drive me bonkers.

The seminar was all day Friday and all day Saturday at the dental school. It was a lot more interesting than I would have guessed, and I actually enjoyed the time there. They had a vegan meal for me at lunch both days, which was awesome. I attempted to find Eden Alley and the recordBar, but to no avail. No big whoop. I'm still kind of fighting with food. I was pretty exhausted at the end of each day and just wanted to get some sleep.

I drove back on Saturday night, much to the disappointment of everyone else, but KCMO is kinda way boring, I think, and I just wanted to get back home. Plus, I prefer to drive at nighttime. Less traffic, cooler temps. Plus, I know I'm not going to want to wake up early and drive in the morning. I'd rather just get it over with.

Relaxed all day yesterday at home, hung out with Karen last night at the Moolah, and hung out all day today at home. Going back to work tomorrow. Not stoked, but I never am. I will be fine once I get there.

I keep daydreaming about the upcoming trip this weekend. I live in fantasy world inside my head and I just want to be alone with some one who I feel very strongly about right now. Drink in secret on the rooftop, lie next to each other in tall grass by the lake, show off favorite spots in the city. You, me, and the world.

Too much stock in what once was and not in what I really have

I've been running out of steam again the past few days.

On Friday, I fell while on my bike. I had to stop suddenly, and I was still clipped in. I just fell over, my feet still in my shoes, clipped onto the pedals. I feel like a fucking idiot. I just laid in the street for about fifteen seconds. I have road burn on my elbow, knee, and back, and my ankle is twisted and tender to walk on.

I have been bingeing. I have spent about $4000 in the past two weeks. I bought some summer clothes, some skin care products, a new haircut, the bike, shoes. I feel really lousy and low on energy. I still cannot stop thinking about Giuseppe. It's so stupid, and I feel really immature. I'm the only one who is suffering. I just feel utterly alone again. I want to do awesome shit this summer, but so far I'm going to be doing it alone because no one else has time/money.

Andrew and I went to get food yesterday, which was nice. He does not want to be together any more, which is fine with me because I don't either. I have been so afraid that he hates me or would be mean/inappropriate if I see him out at shows and such, but he said we are cool. That makes me feel so much better, but I'm still really sad about the whole situation. I'm just glad that Andrew is happy, because I love him and he doesn't deserve to have me being so hot/cold.

Karen and I went to the casino on Friday night. It was going good for a while then it got really bad really fast. I was asked for my phone number. He has not called, which I was not expecting him to yet. Karen said he probably will though because he seemed stoked that I gave him my number and he has wanted to ask me for it for a while. So we will see. Right now, the anticipation is not enough to pull me out of my rut, and I would be lying if I said that I have not been thinking about horrible things again.

I really need to see some one; get on some medicine, because if I don't, I feel like I don't have much time left. It's as bad as it was back at the end of 2006 - early 2007 before I moved away. My room is still a complete mess. A few weeks ago, I took out everything that I didn't want/need and donated it, but there is still a lot of stuff. I know it's mental illness; I just can even begin to deal with it.

I think one of my problems is that I live in this fantasy world inside my head and when my real life experiences do not live up to what I have created and built up in my head, I freak out and turn inside myself.



Here's a photo of me in new clothes and haircut on Saturday:

Let's Get Incredible!

So I have not been sleeping for about two weeks. I have also not been eating. I just have no appetite. I eat a little at lunch b/c I know I need to. I weighed myself today and I was ~135lbs.

My brother has been causing problems again. I'm so over him, and I'm kind of pissed at myself for giving him the benefit of a thought of a chance that he might be ready for change and really mean he was going to get clean this time.

I definitely have moved on from my freak out last weekend and following two days of grief.

I bought a bike on Tuesday. It rides so smooth.

I went to a show on Tuesday night. Andrew played. He looked totally cute. Sweaty curls plastered to his forehead, flipping out from under his hat. Smiles to the eyes, hands on my butt out on the street. Mi oso rojo. I don't know why I can't just commit to him. If I let him get away, it'll be me who fucked up!

On Wednesday, I started to get pissed! Pissed like, "FUCK YOU, GIUSEPPE!" You fucked up! And your new girlfriend looks like a harpie with that crooked nose and jacked teeth! Whatever. I hope she enjoys your complex about your junk. I don't really mean that, I'm just going through the anger phase.

Last night I took the bike out to the levee for just over an hour. It's dang hot outside but I pedaled so hard I could have puked. I'm sitting in my room in my underwear right now. All I have had to eat today is a green machine Naked drink and a handful of mixed nuts.

I drove to Carbondale at around ten pm and checked into a hotel. I didn't fall asleep until nearly 330am. I stayed up a bit looking over my study guides and texting a friend in MPLS.

Today I took the DAT and all I have to say is "Well, that went much better than I was expecting." I was seriously ready to drop out of school going into it, but I scored higher than average for incoming students, so I guess I should keep on.

Florida is still number one choice, but unlikely. I really want to go to school in a college town where the only thing going on is school and the whole community is kind of built up around the school's presense and its own little universe.

Summer is here. I'm doing rad shit, getting incredible, because it's my alternative to jumping in front of a train.

Have not named the new bike yet.