Lonely again today. My sister came into town for a surprise visit. I went to pick her up at the airport on Thursday after work and we went out to get food with our dad and some friends from the neighborhood growing up. Karaoke was also going on, and i wa speechless at seeing all the hossiers in town, wasted on 5 dollar margarita pitchers, dancing in conga lines around the restaurant while their comrades crooned out of tune.
Last night we bbq'd at the house and had the same people over. It was really nice, and I'm glad that we stayed home. It's just way less hassle, and plus, I prefer to cook at home. I know my dad does, too. And mom, i guess. Plus with my vegan diet and my mom not eating gluten, it's just easier to make our own food at home. Mom surprised me with a little sixer of pumpkin beer from the store. I drank three of them last night, and will take the other three to a house party I'm going to later on tonight.
Iron Chic is playing at Cranky Yellow tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Their sound is a little somber. I'm having a hard time today. I went out and rode for two hours this morning; conditions were gorgeous. Mom and dad are at work, and my sister is out doing stuff, so I've been home all day. I don't usually mind. I did my chemistry homework and played the piano.
I'm not lonely, but I am. I don't understand why I am so undateable. I feel utterly alone, even when I hang out with other people. It's like I don't belong. I've been thinking very terrible thoughts that I am ashamed of. I want to get text under my pretty pink flowers. I have been torn between three different ideas, but "Hard to Admit" is the winner. It's hard to admit that I feel utterly alone, even when I'm around so many people. It's hard to admit that I feel guilty about these feelings of hopelessness b/c I do have a supportive family, comfortable living situation, a job that I like, I am able to go to school and learn about subjects that interest me. It's hard to admit that there is some one who i foolishly still think about all the time. It's hard to admit that the ONLY thing that brings me joy is riding my bicycle.
I still stand by the decision to move back to stl as the right one to make. I'm just in a rut, but as time goes by, I feel more and more like I'm just not going to get out of it, no matter how much I want to.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Unofficial end to summer aka winter in my heart
I'm feeling pretty lonely today. I took the day off running/riding b/c my nasal allergies are rampant, conditions outside are kind of way windy. I did go to the swimming pool for thirty minutes earlier. the water was freezing, so i just basked.
I need to relax and live in right now. I'm getting ahead of myself and need to just calm down. My mind is racing with "what ifs" and playing out all different scenerios in my head and I am feeling unnecessarily anxious and making myself nuts for no reason.
On Saturday night I went over to my aunt and uncles house, where my cousins and their spouses and toddler were also visiting. We BBQ'd and had good conversation. I abstained from alcohol b/c I was feeling out of sorts before we even got there. I very much enjoy my extended family, but sometimes I feel really inadequate after we've all been hanging out a while, and they are all telling stories and cutting jokes and I feel...like I don't measure up or something. Maybe they are just really that good at retelling stories, or maybe they are optimistic/happy, and look for the light in situations, that they seem to have the crazies/funniest stories and experiences and I just listen and don't contribute or they make me feel weird if they ask me a question or for input.
Unofficial end to summer aka winter in my heart.
I'm considering getting some lettering on my left arm, tucked up under the flowers. I'm debating between, "I just want you to know" "Hard to Admit" or "Beautiful, Protected, Special, Stupid"
365 days ago my heart smiled.
I need to relax and live in right now. I'm getting ahead of myself and need to just calm down. My mind is racing with "what ifs" and playing out all different scenerios in my head and I am feeling unnecessarily anxious and making myself nuts for no reason.
On Saturday night I went over to my aunt and uncles house, where my cousins and their spouses and toddler were also visiting. We BBQ'd and had good conversation. I abstained from alcohol b/c I was feeling out of sorts before we even got there. I very much enjoy my extended family, but sometimes I feel really inadequate after we've all been hanging out a while, and they are all telling stories and cutting jokes and I feel...like I don't measure up or something. Maybe they are just really that good at retelling stories, or maybe they are optimistic/happy, and look for the light in situations, that they seem to have the crazies/funniest stories and experiences and I just listen and don't contribute or they make me feel weird if they ask me a question or for input.
Unofficial end to summer aka winter in my heart.
I'm considering getting some lettering on my left arm, tucked up under the flowers. I'm debating between, "I just want you to know" "Hard to Admit" or "Beautiful, Protected, Special, Stupid"
365 days ago my heart smiled.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Y'all like to climb!?
On Thursday after work, I went out on the bike alone. My dad had to go to a city council meeting, and sunset is now just at 730pm, so there's not too much time to waste after coming home from work. There was a lot of storm clouds on the radar, so I stayed close to town. Went down Valmeyer Road and hung a right on Bluff Road. Usually I would have turned left onto Ramsey and gone out to the levee, but like I said, there were storm on the horizon, so I stayed close to town. I went straight past the Red Roof gas station and underneath Route 3 and back to Rueck Road. Took that all the way through the neighborhoods there and ended up on Main Street. A fair number of people out. Wind was picking up. I pedaled home along Main and took a left past Parkview and the high school, crossed 3 at the stoplight and was home. Out a total of 45 minutes.
When I moved back here, I spent a lot of time organizing the basement. My bro and his friends had been living down there for over a year and the space was just wrecked. I cleaned up a lot, but it's not finished yet. Mostly I waiting for large trash day b/c there is some disgusting furniture pieces that need to get thrown out! But I did clear a little area and set up the heavy bag, weight bar, some dumb bells, and a mat, and even propped up the wall mirror that had previously been in the upstairs bathroom before the remodel. I also found a timer that I can set up for 2 or 3 minute rounds with breaks so I can do a circuit.
So after the ride I went down to the basement and lifted some and stretched out thoroughly.
Yesterday was Friday, and I was off of work! It was a very productive day for me. In the AM at least. Woke up at 620 and COULD NOT get back to sleep. So I settled all my banking account stuff, paid some bills online, changed my address with the post office, and then I went out on the bike for 2 hours and 20 minutes. All I have to say about the ride is, "Y'all like to climb!?" b/c this was all hills. I didn't mind, though, b/c then I got to ZOOOOOOM down the other side. The route was also very isolated, and I encountered very few cars. At one point, a little over 90 minutes in, I though I was lost. I had a phone on me, but I was so remote there was no bars and even I did call some one, it would have been difficult to describe to them where I was.
No worry, though, b/c I figured it out and made it home with no problems. The day was gorgeous, even a little chilly. Very windy, but nice blue sky with fair-weather cumulus clouds. I took a lot of pictures and made a google MyMaps of the route.
There's a lot more posted on my photobucket, which is found here:
http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i51/stl_susan/Bike%20sky%20flowers%20etc/
I passed out last night at 9pm and still have some nasal allergy hassles even though I use the neti pot and have been taking an allergy pill for over two weeks.
My hamstrings are really tight today and I'm going to BBQ with my mom and dad tonight so we're going to prep some stuff up this afternoon. I'm so happy to be back home!! :)
When I moved back here, I spent a lot of time organizing the basement. My bro and his friends had been living down there for over a year and the space was just wrecked. I cleaned up a lot, but it's not finished yet. Mostly I waiting for large trash day b/c there is some disgusting furniture pieces that need to get thrown out! But I did clear a little area and set up the heavy bag, weight bar, some dumb bells, and a mat, and even propped up the wall mirror that had previously been in the upstairs bathroom before the remodel. I also found a timer that I can set up for 2 or 3 minute rounds with breaks so I can do a circuit.
So after the ride I went down to the basement and lifted some and stretched out thoroughly.
Yesterday was Friday, and I was off of work! It was a very productive day for me. In the AM at least. Woke up at 620 and COULD NOT get back to sleep. So I settled all my banking account stuff, paid some bills online, changed my address with the post office, and then I went out on the bike for 2 hours and 20 minutes. All I have to say about the ride is, "Y'all like to climb!?" b/c this was all hills. I didn't mind, though, b/c then I got to ZOOOOOOM down the other side. The route was also very isolated, and I encountered very few cars. At one point, a little over 90 minutes in, I though I was lost. I had a phone on me, but I was so remote there was no bars and even I did call some one, it would have been difficult to describe to them where I was.
No worry, though, b/c I figured it out and made it home with no problems. The day was gorgeous, even a little chilly. Very windy, but nice blue sky with fair-weather cumulus clouds. I took a lot of pictures and made a google MyMaps of the route.
There's a lot more posted on my photobucket, which is found here:
http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i51/stl_susan/Bike%20sky%20flowers%20etc/
I passed out last night at 9pm and still have some nasal allergy hassles even though I use the neti pot and have been taking an allergy pill for over two weeks.
My hamstrings are really tight today and I'm going to BBQ with my mom and dad tonight so we're going to prep some stuff up this afternoon. I'm so happy to be back home!! :)
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