J: i'm not the type to stare at the ice in my glass. nothing but regret there.
R: i'm not sure that's what i was getting at.
J: i hope so. because it aint no good picking over old bones. if you need to, you make a change; you keep moving. want another one?
R: no. i'm keep sucking on my ice for a while.
i had a CrzZzY friday night. went to a combo bday party/show up the street. bands were good, but i felt very uncomfortable, and i sort of freaked out. i ended up leaving right after the show and came home and cut my left arm with the blade tool on my leatherman. i have never previously mutilated myself before, but i liked it. i felt better after it was done. like it was stinging, and i focused on that instead of what was really bothering me.
i have been depressed for years, but its always been empty threats/cries for help, but after i cut myself on friday, i wanted it more. i felt like i could have gone all the way; i wanted to. instead i sat on my bed with blood running down my arm and i went through my phone contacts. there was three people i would have called, one i actually did. roy came and picked me up and i went to his house to watch deathproof. i passed out five minutes into it and slept on the couch. it was very comforting being in his house and just having some company.
i wore a long sleeve hoodie b/c the cut on my arm was something that i didn't want to share. i appreciated, too, that roy didn't ask. he just picked me up, and when i said i didn't feel like talking about it, he let it go and we talked about other stuff.
i felt pretty shitty at work all day on saturday, it was busy as hell and we were understaffed, and for some reason, i agreed to stay and work a double. it was busy as hell for dinner, too, and i ended up staying an hour later than what i agreed. the whole time, though, i wasn't stressed or pissed, all i could think about was coming home and cutting myself again. i was craving it. i pretty much went straight into the bathroom and washed my forearm and cleaned the blade, and made a second but parallel to the first. then i took a shower. the water stung, and i liked the reminder/distraction.
all day today, the cuts kept peeking out from under my half sleeves, and i just liked looking at them. the two cuts that are on my arm right now are really red and starting to scab over. i feel like if some one asked me about it, i could get away with the excuse that "oh, its just a scrape." but if i put any more on there right now, it would look more suspicious.
i have a date tomorrow. this boy is some one i met at a show back in the summer of 2008, and we talked/texted, but could never meet up. we recently reconnected through a mutual friend. we're going to a byob cuban place down the street, and then weather permitting, to the observation deck of the hancock. i am very anxious about it. that was the one thing i was looking forward to doing with giuseppe. even though he's not here anymore, i still feel uncomfortable doing it with some one else.
i know i can't freaking shut up about it, either, but i have been streaming the new off with their heads, and jesus christ, it is perfect. everything i want from a record by them. except for the ridic guitar solo in the second song, the record is totally solid. no tracks get skipped over. will prob go to fla to see my sis in july just to see them perform again. would also like to go to philly in a few weeks to see them and hang w/ my fav jewish sausage. ha! (i almost just smiled!)
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