A lot has been going on. My number one crush from STL was up here to visit with some friends this weekend. He's just so....cute. Cute. Not hot. Not sexy (but kinda sorta). Perhaps a little bit handsome. He's cute. His smile reaches his eyes and he has dimples. And he's...manly. Broad, strong shoulders and chest. Taller than me. Chest hair. Red tint to his facial hair. Which blows my mind b/c he is Latino. But he looks like a white boy.
He had plans to come up here to visit with some friends from Texas, and it just so happened that this weekend was the annual Puerto Rican pride fest in my 'hood. The streets were flooded with PRs waving flags and cruising around in their cars, honking horns, and showing their cultural pride. He was really excited about it, too, since that is his heritage.
I met up with him at a bar that I had never been to before. It was pretty alright. Total neighborhood hangout, kinda quiet, which was nice. It wasn't too crowded and there wasn't hipsters being hipsters about the place. Cash only. The ATM was not processing my bank card for withdrawal, so I rode my bike to North and Damen to get cash out of the BoA ATM and then rode back to the bar. No big deal. The night was gorgeous. Perfect temps, no wind. We stayed until last call.
The house they were supposed to stay at, which is also near my house, the people who live there were already passed out, so we all came back to my house. Plus, I had barely dented the 30pack of Busch I purchased that afternoon.
I had a terrible headache but stayed up until about 430am socializing in the kitchen. After I retired to my room to pass out, he later knocked on the door and asked if he could sleep in my room with me b/c there was only three couches and four dudes. I said okay. Outside playing it cool, inside dancing. I really thought nothing would become of it, just sleeping next to another warm body would have been fine with me.
Of course, though, neither of us could sleep and after about thirty minutes of talking/laughing next to each other, he pulled my face towards his and kissed me. We started making out and it slowly got heavier and hotter. We ended up banging each other out. Hard. On the bed. On the floor. In all positions. For a solid two hours.
The first time I came, I was on top, and I pulled out and ejaculated onto his torso, and slowly he smiled, eyes closed, "oh yes." He thought that was all porno tricks and not a real thing that he would ever encounter. He was way into it. I ended up coming easily fifteen times, and one time, we were on the floor, I was jacking him off, and he was fingering me, and it started to squirt, and it just kept coming and his hand was making it spray everywhere, and it sounded so choppy/watery. It was pooling onto the hardwood floor. It was pretty bad ass. I have never had it shoot for that long. Easily ten seconds.
After that first long session, we took about thirty minutes to lay around next to each other and lazily drag our fingers over each others back, thighs, stomachs, and then we went at is again for another 40 minutes. I didn't go to sleep until 830am.
When my alarm went off at 10 to get up for work, he wanted to do it again. I kind of did, too, but we didn't b/c I did need to go to work, and I was exhausted.
I understand that this boy is some one who lives in another state. He's also YOUNG. 22. I could tell I was the more experienced one (of course), but he wasn't bad at all. I thoroughly enjoyed our time. I enjoyed him physically, and he was very receptive to feedback from me. slower. faster. gentler. that feels good. i like that.
I know that his mind was blown by the experience. Because he told me. He wants to come back up here to visit. I want him to. I want to do fun things together that we originally wanted to do this weekend but didn't. Go to the beach. Get down on some serious byob latin patios in the 'hood. Laugh together on the porch. Stay up all night enjoying each other. Inside smiling. Outside smiling.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
In time everything will turn out right.
Today is Wednesday, but I have thought it was Thursday. Probably b/c i had to go in to work this morning, and Wednesday is supposed to be my day off. I left promptly after the last patient was gone. I don't know why I'm so miffed about working on my day off.
I came home and pedaled to the beach. It was easily mid 80s temps, and there was a lot of people at the beach. I went into the water, too. Up to my knees. Previously, I had only waded in to ankles b/c the water is cold, but today it felt very refreshing.
I did some crosswords and then came back home. I would really like to get tan, but I didn't get too much color today. I guess I am glad that I didn't burn, but I'm still sooo pale.
On Monday, I met up with a boy I had met at a party back in the summer of 2008. He's a total goofball and the conversation was light and easy. We went to 90 Miles and then to the Hancock Building. It was pretty awesome. We got there after dark and all the street lights were on. It was packed, too. I nearly thought it was a Saturday night. The drinks were expensive, so we had one round. It was still a lot of fun. I would definitely go back up there, but only for a special occassion, like my parents visiting for my bday or something.
I felt pretty down last night. I spoke to my mom on the phone, and I told her that I had cut myself. She made me feel lousy about it, when all I wanted was a friend. She sent me and email this morning that made me feel better. My parents want me to come back to StL. I'm still on the fence. I like it up here; I just am frustrated with my job. I'm looking for another. Frantically.
I came home and pedaled to the beach. It was easily mid 80s temps, and there was a lot of people at the beach. I went into the water, too. Up to my knees. Previously, I had only waded in to ankles b/c the water is cold, but today it felt very refreshing.
I did some crosswords and then came back home. I would really like to get tan, but I didn't get too much color today. I guess I am glad that I didn't burn, but I'm still sooo pale.
On Monday, I met up with a boy I had met at a party back in the summer of 2008. He's a total goofball and the conversation was light and easy. We went to 90 Miles and then to the Hancock Building. It was pretty awesome. We got there after dark and all the street lights were on. It was packed, too. I nearly thought it was a Saturday night. The drinks were expensive, so we had one round. It was still a lot of fun. I would definitely go back up there, but only for a special occassion, like my parents visiting for my bday or something.
I felt pretty down last night. I spoke to my mom on the phone, and I told her that I had cut myself. She made me feel lousy about it, when all I wanted was a friend. She sent me and email this morning that made me feel better. My parents want me to come back to StL. I'm still on the fence. I like it up here; I just am frustrated with my job. I'm looking for another. Frantically.
Monday, June 7, 2010
class III - Psychic Crisis
J: i'm not the type to stare at the ice in my glass. nothing but regret there.
R: i'm not sure that's what i was getting at.
J: i hope so. because it aint no good picking over old bones. if you need to, you make a change; you keep moving. want another one?
R: no. i'm keep sucking on my ice for a while.
i had a CrzZzY friday night. went to a combo bday party/show up the street. bands were good, but i felt very uncomfortable, and i sort of freaked out. i ended up leaving right after the show and came home and cut my left arm with the blade tool on my leatherman. i have never previously mutilated myself before, but i liked it. i felt better after it was done. like it was stinging, and i focused on that instead of what was really bothering me.
i have been depressed for years, but its always been empty threats/cries for help, but after i cut myself on friday, i wanted it more. i felt like i could have gone all the way; i wanted to. instead i sat on my bed with blood running down my arm and i went through my phone contacts. there was three people i would have called, one i actually did. roy came and picked me up and i went to his house to watch deathproof. i passed out five minutes into it and slept on the couch. it was very comforting being in his house and just having some company.
i wore a long sleeve hoodie b/c the cut on my arm was something that i didn't want to share. i appreciated, too, that roy didn't ask. he just picked me up, and when i said i didn't feel like talking about it, he let it go and we talked about other stuff.
i felt pretty shitty at work all day on saturday, it was busy as hell and we were understaffed, and for some reason, i agreed to stay and work a double. it was busy as hell for dinner, too, and i ended up staying an hour later than what i agreed. the whole time, though, i wasn't stressed or pissed, all i could think about was coming home and cutting myself again. i was craving it. i pretty much went straight into the bathroom and washed my forearm and cleaned the blade, and made a second but parallel to the first. then i took a shower. the water stung, and i liked the reminder/distraction.
all day today, the cuts kept peeking out from under my half sleeves, and i just liked looking at them. the two cuts that are on my arm right now are really red and starting to scab over. i feel like if some one asked me about it, i could get away with the excuse that "oh, its just a scrape." but if i put any more on there right now, it would look more suspicious.
i have a date tomorrow. this boy is some one i met at a show back in the summer of 2008, and we talked/texted, but could never meet up. we recently reconnected through a mutual friend. we're going to a byob cuban place down the street, and then weather permitting, to the observation deck of the hancock. i am very anxious about it. that was the one thing i was looking forward to doing with giuseppe. even though he's not here anymore, i still feel uncomfortable doing it with some one else.
i know i can't freaking shut up about it, either, but i have been streaming the new off with their heads, and jesus christ, it is perfect. everything i want from a record by them. except for the ridic guitar solo in the second song, the record is totally solid. no tracks get skipped over. will prob go to fla to see my sis in july just to see them perform again. would also like to go to philly in a few weeks to see them and hang w/ my fav jewish sausage. ha! (i almost just smiled!)
R: i'm not sure that's what i was getting at.
J: i hope so. because it aint no good picking over old bones. if you need to, you make a change; you keep moving. want another one?
R: no. i'm keep sucking on my ice for a while.
i had a CrzZzY friday night. went to a combo bday party/show up the street. bands were good, but i felt very uncomfortable, and i sort of freaked out. i ended up leaving right after the show and came home and cut my left arm with the blade tool on my leatherman. i have never previously mutilated myself before, but i liked it. i felt better after it was done. like it was stinging, and i focused on that instead of what was really bothering me.
i have been depressed for years, but its always been empty threats/cries for help, but after i cut myself on friday, i wanted it more. i felt like i could have gone all the way; i wanted to. instead i sat on my bed with blood running down my arm and i went through my phone contacts. there was three people i would have called, one i actually did. roy came and picked me up and i went to his house to watch deathproof. i passed out five minutes into it and slept on the couch. it was very comforting being in his house and just having some company.
i wore a long sleeve hoodie b/c the cut on my arm was something that i didn't want to share. i appreciated, too, that roy didn't ask. he just picked me up, and when i said i didn't feel like talking about it, he let it go and we talked about other stuff.
i felt pretty shitty at work all day on saturday, it was busy as hell and we were understaffed, and for some reason, i agreed to stay and work a double. it was busy as hell for dinner, too, and i ended up staying an hour later than what i agreed. the whole time, though, i wasn't stressed or pissed, all i could think about was coming home and cutting myself again. i was craving it. i pretty much went straight into the bathroom and washed my forearm and cleaned the blade, and made a second but parallel to the first. then i took a shower. the water stung, and i liked the reminder/distraction.
all day today, the cuts kept peeking out from under my half sleeves, and i just liked looking at them. the two cuts that are on my arm right now are really red and starting to scab over. i feel like if some one asked me about it, i could get away with the excuse that "oh, its just a scrape." but if i put any more on there right now, it would look more suspicious.
i have a date tomorrow. this boy is some one i met at a show back in the summer of 2008, and we talked/texted, but could never meet up. we recently reconnected through a mutual friend. we're going to a byob cuban place down the street, and then weather permitting, to the observation deck of the hancock. i am very anxious about it. that was the one thing i was looking forward to doing with giuseppe. even though he's not here anymore, i still feel uncomfortable doing it with some one else.
i know i can't freaking shut up about it, either, but i have been streaming the new off with their heads, and jesus christ, it is perfect. everything i want from a record by them. except for the ridic guitar solo in the second song, the record is totally solid. no tracks get skipped over. will prob go to fla to see my sis in july just to see them perform again. would also like to go to philly in a few weeks to see them and hang w/ my fav jewish sausage. ha! (i almost just smiled!)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
good vibrations (oh lordy!)
so i bought a vibrator yesterday after work. carl and i met up on milwaukee and went to the store together. there was some awful music playing, but the guy behind the counter was helpful. i purchased a top seller in the mid-price range. it rotates and vibrates. i chose it over the other ones available b/c its shaped like an actual cock and is waterproof. i also bought some top shelf lube, which in hindsight might have been a little unnecessary b/c i have only been using this thing in the shower where there is plenty of moisture.
i'm surprised i've taken this long to finally buy one of these things. i totally love it. banged myself out in the shower last night before going out to meet up with friends, and then again this afternoon after i got back home from riding my bicycle. but its weird at the same time. there i am, standing in the shower with one leg up on the ledge, humping this blue silicon dick as it buzzes and grinds away, and i get off and all, but its definitely not the same as doing it with some one else. i miss a feeling of connection. and its more rigid than an actual penis.
i've also put some serious thought into joining an alt-porno site. boy/girl films, maybe pics. but i'd do it for the money. the dudes on burning angel are pretty hot, and i would totally get banged out by them on film for money. also, i feel like my ability to expel mass amounts of liquid out of my pussy, repeatedly, is something i would be willing to let the right company exploit in exchange for ca$h. i really don't want to rack up a 100 grand in debt for school.
only concern is that, obviously, everything is done bareback, and i'm not used to doing it without condoms. which i know it would feel a thousand times more awesome, but i don't want to get preg or catch anything. i'd also be concerned if my school found out that i was involved in something like that, that i might get kicked out. so far, i have not seen in clauses on the school sites i am looking at, that have wording like that. besides, the schools prefer students who can pay straight up instead of rely on loans b/c the loans are not guaranteed to come through, and i asked my mom, and my parents are not going to be able to help me pay for it. so its up to me.
i'm surprised i've taken this long to finally buy one of these things. i totally love it. banged myself out in the shower last night before going out to meet up with friends, and then again this afternoon after i got back home from riding my bicycle. but its weird at the same time. there i am, standing in the shower with one leg up on the ledge, humping this blue silicon dick as it buzzes and grinds away, and i get off and all, but its definitely not the same as doing it with some one else. i miss a feeling of connection. and its more rigid than an actual penis.
i've also put some serious thought into joining an alt-porno site. boy/girl films, maybe pics. but i'd do it for the money. the dudes on burning angel are pretty hot, and i would totally get banged out by them on film for money. also, i feel like my ability to expel mass amounts of liquid out of my pussy, repeatedly, is something i would be willing to let the right company exploit in exchange for ca$h. i really don't want to rack up a 100 grand in debt for school.
only concern is that, obviously, everything is done bareback, and i'm not used to doing it without condoms. which i know it would feel a thousand times more awesome, but i don't want to get preg or catch anything. i'd also be concerned if my school found out that i was involved in something like that, that i might get kicked out. so far, i have not seen in clauses on the school sites i am looking at, that have wording like that. besides, the schools prefer students who can pay straight up instead of rely on loans b/c the loans are not guaranteed to come through, and i asked my mom, and my parents are not going to be able to help me pay for it. so its up to me.
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