why you gotta be droppin’ g-bombs on me?

Current mood:six in a row, baby! wed-mon!

i love a good puke story; this one doesn't even involve alcohol.

last summer i went out on a few dates with a boy who i met playing kickball and getting down on some temptation cones at foster beach. He actually seemed like he would have been quite a catch. i thought he was cute...slender with muscle tone, glasses, tattoos, listened to good music, into riding bikes, well-read but not pretentious, steady job and college educated but not a stiff shirt.

we went out quite many times. he was always very nice to me and asked me questions but also contributed to the conversation.

we went to the movies twice. once to see ratatouille and another time he took me to alice and friends before we went to see the ten. the third time we hung out just us he came over to my house and we made pizza, and then i schooled him in scrabble before we turned the tv on to watch shark week. we sat by each other on my little black couch, staring straight ahead at the tv, watching never-before-seen footage of great whites jumping completely out of the water to catch some seals, awkwardly letting our arms or legs brush against each other, but neither daring to make a move. when he left, i walked him down to the front door and we gave each other a hug and smiled.

he sent me an email the next day saying that the past week hanging out with me was one of the best in a while for him; i was excited, too. i made up my mind that the next time we hung out, if he didn't make a move, i would be the one to act.

we had made plans to go get some food way south at a mexican place. i was supposed to meet him at his house when he got home from work. i went to the gym beforehand, showered there, and then drove to his house. he called me because he had a flat tire and was late getting home. i had gone to a park and watched a few innings of an adult softball league. i didn't mind that he was late, these things happen, but i was starving because i didn't eat before i went to the gym and then had to deal with the post-workout famine.

he finally called me that he replaced his tire and was home but needed to shower and stuff. again, i didn't mind. the day was hot and humid and he had just biked home in rush hour and had to deal with a busted tube.

after much delay, we got to the place and i was so ravenous that when the waitress brought out a bowl of carrots seeped in jalapenos, i started downing these carrots like they were chips. my stomach was empty, and i put those carrots away! the food was delivered, we ate our plates and both of felt very satiated.

we get in the car to head home and my stomach started to tumble. i knew it was those fire-hot carrots screaming to get outta there! problem was we were in his car, on the highway! i started to get really hot and sweaty and shake a little bit. i knew i was going to start heaving soon. i closed my eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths.

we made it back to his house and parked the car on the street just as i opened the passenger side and threw up all over the curb. but i knew it wasn't over yet. we RAN back to his house, up the back stairs, and into the bathroom where i puked everywhere two more times.

i was shaking as i laid my sweaty forehead against the cool soothing tiles of the floor. i'm sure it was absolutely hilarious, and i don't blame him for laughing at me a little bit.

after i threw up all the food i ate and then finally the firy carrots, my body was calm again and i went home.

i was disappointed because i was ready to kiss this boy on this day but my mouth tasted like puke. he didn't call me back after and we didn't see each until several months later when i asked him if he wanted to meet me for lunch.

i arrived first and he called me to tell me he was going to be a little late because he got into a fender bender with a city bus and was waiting for that to be resolved. i ordered a pint at the bar and waited.

when he arrived, we got a table and ordered food. the conversation went really well and we both laughed and smiled a lot. i mentioned that i was going to st. louis in a few weeks to see my friends and family for my birthday. then he mentioned that he had plans to go to st. louis that winter as well, with his girlfriend to meet her family.

i was floored. that was the last thing i was expecting to come out of his mouth.

the moment that g-bomb was dropped, i maintained a calm demeanor, but my brain was reeling. i immediately thought it was odd that he agreed to meet me for lunch. i wondered how long they had been seeing each other. my guess is that it was somewhat serious if they were taking a day trip to meet her family.

i was also overcome with gratefulness because i was going to ask him why he never called me back or if he was interested in me and tell him that i enjoyed spending time together last summer as well and ask if he wanted to hang out some more. and i wanted to act on physical impluses i had, and i felt like he would be receptive to those advances.

i'm glad i was spared the humiliation of bringing anything up, but seriously, why did he have to drop a g-bomb on me like that?

post script: i bring this up now because this boy also happens to be a long time patient at the dentist office where i work and he was in for an appointment today and holy shit he looked way cute. black shoes, cut-off knee length jean shorts, red t-shirt that accented his slender build. new glasses, new tattoos, clean smile. i didn't even realize it was him at first. i was breaking down a room that had windows facing the street and some one walking by caught the corner of my eye. i saw this person walk into the front office, and turns out it was the boy from last summer.

this one goes out to all the ugly girls in the room!

Current mood:can’t quite put my finger on it.

i went to see a show two years ago at the new creepy crawl, and the band performing actually said, "this next one goes out to all the ugly girls in the room! where are all the ugly girls? get up here!"

the band was actually very good. i was way into their sound, their stage energy, lyrics. i got their new cd and received a sticker and button with my purchase. i still listen to that record a lot, the button is one of the few i have left because every time i go to a show that gets a little rowdy, i leave a button lighter. i look forward to when i am able to see them perform again.

i was at a point in my life when shit was really starting to hit the fan, and i was shutting myself off from friends. i stopped smiling, stopped going out and drinking and being social with the usual suspects at the usual hangouts. i even promised myself that i would stand up to a fear of heights with the final act of jumping off the eads bridge and get sucked into the icy undertow if things didn't improve by such-and-such date. even though i didn't know it at the time, i was a short time from leaving st. louis, to a bigger city of new opportunities and possibilities, and i wanted to run up to that stage, too, and hold my own, singing along, one fist in the air, with all the other ugly girls in the club amongst a sea of rambunctious hardcore boys.

i feel like i am a weird combination of a girl who seems to exude self-confidence to the point that she is often told she is unapproachable and intimidating, and of a girl who masks a lack of confidence with acceptance of things that she knows cannot change by overly-projecting a sense of self confidence.

i also have a more difficult time expressing myself with words, either written or spoken, than i do with actions. if a situation is favorable, i like to bake treats or bring snacks. in the past i would paint a picture or make a mix tape, although i haven't made one since 2006. i found out the person that i made it for didn't like it, and i went to his house and i stole it back. it was just sitting on the counter in the kitchen. if the situation is unfavorable, i will often withdraw into myself to avoid upsetting others. if pressed, i can really start to spit nails. i am very impulsive, spiteful, stubborn, and brash. i have also been told that i have a huge heart. i know this deep down, but its so much easier to focus on negative aspects. my mom always told me that no one would ever love me if i couldn't learn to love myself. i have always hated hearing that because the truth is that i hate myself.

i really have no idea where i am going with this blog. don't mistake the content for a difficult day, because the truth is that i am still on a roll...five in a row, baby! wed was good, thurs was good, fri was freakin' awesome! work went really well. i came home and found four bags of microwave popcorn on a shelf in my room and took them over to a friend's house to drink busch beer and watch weeds season 3.

yesterday was saturday and i went to the gym and then to deluxe. came home and made satisfying homemade pizza with the rest of the teese cheese.

today is sunday. the day got a little long, but i went to the gym this morning, checked out some books at the library, corresponded with some more people on craigslist, had a good conversation with a girl from work who i like. she even said there was a light-hearted tone to my voice that had been missing a while. tonight i went to the store. there was a sale on a brand of cookies that i like...two for $6!! looking back i should have purchased four not two, because i know those cookies don't stand a chance staying in this house long! there was also a sale on strawberries and a brownie mix.

tomorrow is monday. i have plans to go to the botanical gardens with the hygienist this week, so that is light at the end of my tunnel for this week. then next week is a trip to milwaukee and mauled by tigers. then more tattoos, heading back to stl for karen's party, and then moving. i haven't decided on a place for sure yet, but i know i am making a good move. it's a little farther to work, but nowhere i still can't bike to/from. the train/bus is still accessible. and opportunity to learn my way around a new neighborhood, figure out where in the store the items i want are located, patronize a different neighborhood bar and maybe meet a cute boy who is intersted in riding bikes to see a band, or staying up listening to records with me and baking brownies at 130am on a monday.

i like evanston a lot; i feel very safe here, i like the grocery store, library, gym. but what i want isn't here. i am screaming for companionship. i have had a difficult time meeting people up here, and its not like i haven't been trying. i understand that a lot of people are busy, myself included, and people my age usually already have friends and are not looking to branch out. people my age are also usually in long term committed relationships...or married! the pool of desirable prospects is ever-shrinking.

i wonder where i fall in that category. i honestly don't have any serious relationships to guage by. i dated a few boys in college, but nothing lasted more than a few months and could hardly be considered serious, or even a relationship. so then i'm left to wonder what it is that i am doing so wrong?

it lets me know i’m alive!

Current mood:unstoppable!

so far so good. two good days in a row!

yesterday i went to the beat kitchen to see some friends play and wish rich a happy birthday. i had a nice time, drank some hamm's and stopped for a spicy burrito on the way home.

the dentist was out of town today, so i got to sleep late, which was awesome! seriously, i stayed curled up under the quilt until like 1030! i can't even remember the last time that happened! my room was so dark from the blanket i use as a curtain, and the oscelating fan was circulating lots of cool air.

i responded to three ads on craigslist for roommates wanted, so that was productive. i already have plans to meet up with one of the girls on sunday to check the place out.

i went to the gym and swam 2000y in 35 min. i wonder a little lately if i am working out too much. my stomach is flatter and firmer than it has been since i stopped swimming but i feel like my arms and shoulders are starting to get a little toner/larger. i was really uncomfortable with myself physically when i was swimming competitively, but the past few years since i stopped my arms and shoulder shrunk to a size i was very pleased with. no one has said i look hoss or anything, and i know i don't, but i think i may need to cut back a little.

i feel really unstoppable right now. even if i'm not necessarily all the way in a place i want to be in my life, i'm not scared. i feel really calm about where i'm going, even if certain outcomes aren't what i would prefer, i know i will rise above. i am making changes and taking action to get to a better place physically, emotionally, mentally.

i am looking forward to fun social events in the coming weeks including fun shows such as mauled by tigers, tattoos, trips to milwaukee to sing along to ergs with cute sweaty punk rock boys in a hot basement and to south city to attend karen's 30th b-day luau.

also, the olympics for swimming start on 8.9. i am so amped!! i am anxious to see just how fast the water cube really is. i read an article about the engineering of it and it sounds amazing. the pool in athens was a freakin' joke, and the chinese have gone to great measures to build some amazing looking structures. the cube, coupled with the new lzr suits and the build up that is olympic competition, world records are going to drop like flies in beijing!

two good days in row. score one for susan!

everyone knows east coast totally pwns west coast!!

Current mood:stimulated and stimulating

saturday 3/29/08...went to reggie’s to see the copyrights, methadones, and tbr. the show was all ages, and i was surprised when i rolled in at 8pm, the copyrights were already on. i went up to the front. there were a lot of dumb ass teenagers there, but at least a lot of people were into their set and singing along. i still don’t know the songs from the new record. this situation needs to be remedied quickly.

after the set i went to the bar to get a beer and ran into funberg who was getting change for the merch guys. i also ran into the same boy who i danced with at the show in january. he asked if i remembered him, and i said, "of course i do...you were wearing a red shirt." his name is dave and he lives close by me. i am interested in hanging out with him some more and figuring if he is some one i could get excited about.

tbr played last and again, the place went nuts!! dave and i danced again up front and sang all the songs. i could not believe how freaking tight those songs were! there were some pleasant surprises...they played a sack song, another way, and all the staples from total and warning device. a lot of people were into it and the energy was high. tbr encored with two songs. i don’t remember what the first one was, but the second was veronica. i was stoked b/c i love that song and in fact i was shouting for it the whole set. but i thought it was an odd song to finish with. i just don’t think its strong enough to be the last song of a set or of an encore.

after the show, i was hanging out with funberg and aaron rushmore and some other people and there was some kind of altercation b/n tbr and aaron about some thrown water when aaron got kicked in the face during the tbr set. at first it was awkward to watch/listen, but then it was so absurd i found it humorous. but i was also confused, b/c i threw three beers up there on purpose and no said a thing to me!! ha!

after that bs we went to the attached bar. funberg and i bought beers and right away brett called and said they were leaving, so the beers were put into pockets and we went outside and got in the van to ride to oak park.

all in all, a good night of solid music, meeting some one new, and staying up too late and enjoying the pleasant company of old friends.

friday 4/4/08...ergs! played the khyber in philly. the house was packed to the walls!! and the show was so much fun!! lots of singing along and dancing up front with cute sweaty east coast boys. the ergs do not disappoint me. weston was there for a reunion show. i had never heard them before, but i enjoyed their set, too. those songs were catchly as hell and the crowd was really into them.

the beer was cold and of the cheap variety. oh yeah, and whisky happened. spoke a lot with mike erg and some other boys named erik and asher. hung out with jay insult (and smoked cigarettes?) i found jay to be quite a pleasant person and in possession of an aggreable personality.

i also bought a ergs shirt. its black with blue print and its cut for girls. i think it looks way cute. i wore it to the show the next day. it smells AWFUL right now.

saturday 4/5/08...i went to eat at govinda’s with jay. they were closed, so we sat outside and waited. the weather was gorgeous. a little overcast, but pleasant temperature. got our satisfying fake cheeze steak sandwiches and headed to the station.

took a train to baltimore. charm city...i found it totally lived up to it’s nickname. i walked around a lot. beautiful weather...i actually took my hoodie off for a bit. lots of fountains and monuments. lush green grass and cherry trees in full white/pink blooms. found myself in the red light district for a hot minute. joined the patheon of morons. went to the museum of dentistry. sat outside at a pub and had a sandwich and beers until they told me i had to leave. headed to the sidebar tavern. copyrights were there waiting to load in. hung out. funberg made me laugh with his wimpy impression.

the sidebar was a pretty alright club, i guess. they had beers for cheap, but it was frustrating that pbr and yuengling ran dry before the first band was even done playing. the stage was only one step up from the floor, so when i got pushed, i went right into the band. i don’t like when that happens, but i also know that i don’t go to shows to rock out comfortably in the back of the room.

i did try a local cheap staple called natural bohemien, which is referred to as natty boh. i approve. it was a reliable light pilsner. i will definitely indulge again when in baltimore.

five bands were on the bill, with ramrod playing first. i actually liked their sound a lot. i’m a fan of the raspy voice and songs that are played in minor keys/drop tuning. didn’t watch the rockvilles but hung out in the merch booth with funberg and some other people.

watched a good set from dead mechanical. went up front for the copyrights. was pleasantly surprised when they played four eyes, and a different set than last week. both sets were good and i liked the songs, but it was a treat to hear different songs at different shows close together. found the baltimore crowd to be quite the weaksauces. i did get the new cd, so now i can learn the songs.

tbr played last, and their set started off really well. i love seeing them live and hearing kody’s voice. the baltimore crowd got into it a little more, but i still thought people were lame. maybe i’m just spoiled from the killer chicago shows as of recent. same as the copyrights, tbr mixed it up a little bit from the set at reggie’s. didn’t play any sack songs or another way, nor did they get through the whole set. during a-bomb, the mics started to feedback and they totally stopped and freaked the fuck out and were yelling for a soundguy. they just stood up on the stage holding their ears and yelling for a soundguy! finally some one came up and unplugged the mics and the feedback stopped. then tbr said, "we’re done" and walked off. i thought it was kinda fucked. the performance up to that point was incredible and the songs were still so tight and fast and loud, its unfortunate that it ended that way. they are one of my favorites, and i really like listening to them and going to see them play and singing along!

after the show, went to matt’s house with copyrights. slept on the floor, which is not a problem. i’m just glad it was FREE! got covered in cat hair but miraculously didn’t sneeze. baltimore was experiencing rainy weather conditions this morning. slept the whole way back to chicago. i totally reeked when i got home. but the sun is out, and the temp is currently above 50 degrees F. i am going to walk to the lake and continue on with all this living i’ve got to do!

holy chicago!

Current mood:my face hurts

tbr, copyrights, and chinese telephones played here last night, i am still AMPED from the show!

first time at reggie's, and i thought it was a great venue. in a little bit of a shady part of town. only three blocks walk from the chinatown redline stop, but i rather thought they were a rough three blocks. busch tall cans were available at a reasonable price, so points plus for that. lots of space and a balcony area and the sound was phenomenal.

i was surprised that stage diving/crowd surfing was allowed there. especially since during tbr one little guy was dropped and passed out cold and taken away in an ambulance. although the bouncer at one point did come up on stage with a bullhorn and announce that throwing beer cans was not allowed. whoops!! i threw the first can. jess threw one, too, and pat got blamed and kicked out!

friends from st. louis and from carbondale were in attendance, and seeing them and talking and hanging out was a lot of fun.

i arrived during the first band and didn't really pay attention. i bought a drink and started looking for people i knew. saw wipfler standing a head over everyone else.

i was a little disappointed with the chinese telephones set. they played second, and i heard a lot of mistakes. they just seemed to be off.

the copyrights played third and delivered a solid set. little carl and i did a lot of heckling in the front and sang along to all the songs. lots of dancing. the songs sounded really good...i am very much looking forward to purchasing the new cd.

tbr played last. holy chicago! that set was probably the best set i have seen in a long time by anyone!! the crowd went absolutely nuts!! i was at the back edge of the pit singing and dancing with a boy in a red shirt. we had a nice time. the sound guy did an amazing job, and the vocals sounded so powerful but not overmodulated. the energy was high, the songs were solid, the setlist was a good mix of older stuff from total and of course the new material.

i'm glad i purchased the new cd before so i knew all the words. i can't decide what my favorite track is...nuthouse, pacemaker, on my own, social life, totally stupid. they are all great songs for different reasons. i really like kody's vocals on welcome to the nuthouse, and i like the lyrics to pacemaker and on my own. totally stupid is just a fun party song.

after the show, i went to the attached bar to continue socializing with stl/cdale. we had a few more beers and lots of peanuts.

after last call, i ended up driving back to my house with wipfler, kim, and jess, but not before we got ambushed by bums on the street. the best one was the midgit dave calls "orpheus", who was carrying around a spiral notebook and was referring to dave as "too tall." he had a funny personality and no front teeth.

a second bum followed us into the pizza parlor. he kept talking about gangbangin' and dave gave him 50 cents and old boy was like, "how about $5?"

there was also a creepy woman in a yellow hoodie that was stalking pat at the show and then the bar. as we were all trying to pile into the car to leave and snow is falling everywhere and i didn't know where the wipers or lights were on kim's car, old girl comes out of nowhere and is standing outside the car peering into the driver's side window. dave finally folded himself into the backseat and we got the fuck back to the northside.

i passed out once i got home, but the others stayed up for a bit and watched beavis and butthead vhs tapes i had purchased from timelife video a long time ago.

i was a little hungover when i woke up this morning, which surprised me b/c i had five beers, spaced out over five hours, and i had stopped over two hours before i went to sleep. jess, kim, dave, and i went to eat at clark's this morning before they headed back home. jess picked up my meal as thanks for the hospitality.

the evening was a lot of fun, and i am still excited about the music that i saw performed. even tbr said up on stage that that was probably the best show they played.

i am smiling.

operation: steal the mic

Current mood:wasting time

how i spent my winter vacation:

took amtrak to stl on dec 24th. arrived in stl on dec 25th at 1am. stayed up with weiner dog and young loud scotty until about 4am playing video games.

dec25th - extended family came over for a few hours. no football games were watched, which was a pleasant change from holidays past. mattmike showed up with the tofurkey. i brought the cupcakes and brownies. the weiner dog attacked my pregnant cousin sara the second she walked in the door. i think he senses that her and i butt heads, and well, he's my dog...but really, how much damage can a ten pound ankle-biter do?

went to see no country for old men with karen that night. met up with four other people for drinks in dogtown. nice company and conversation.

dec26th - carbondale for tattoooooooos!! octopus looks badass. its only outlined and shaded in purple/black. its scabbed over right now and itches like hell. i have difficulty keeping it moisturized this time of year.

dec 27th - headed to philly. ate at govinda's. got intoxicated at the kyber. no smoking in bars in philly....total!

dec28th - asbury park, nj surprised me. i thought new jersey was all toxic wasteland and a bruce springsteen 1985 time warp. but the shoreline where i was was beautiful. majestic victorian-style beach houses. i saw two lesbians with two weiner dogs running in the the sand and surf and eight hardcore surfers in full body wetsuits trying to catch a few before sunset.

dined at a place called sister sue's. vegan trinidad and tobaggo cuisine. interesting.

went to the stone pony to see ergs! and bouncing souls. ergs sounded solid, but again it was weird seeing them in a larger venue up on a stage behind a barricade. the sound was good, though, but not enough people dancing. bouncing souls set...slightly disappointing. two dudes were holding up cue cards to text pete and i assume that they were then playing the texted requests. so of course the set didn't flow at all and contained mostly newer material that i was unfamiliar with. they played shark attack, which is the only time they have ever played that song live.

the stone pony was an alright venue as far a larger clubs go. they had a food window, and the menu included veggie burgers and super pretzels. the beer on special was yungeling (sp?). not bad. i guess that is east coast's version on old style. the best part was the fireplace! i sat on the hearth and warmed my backside and socailized with some people i met from delaware and also two girls from manhattan.

no smoking in bars in new jersey...total! also, in jersey, pumping ones own gas is against the law!! unbelievable!

dec 29th - went to seaside heights to see the ergs play at the ortley beach police sub-station with six hardcore bands. i couldn't even make something like that up. i felt very uncomfortable. but the show was entertaining. i left during an equipment malfunction during the second band and headed out to get some pizza. the town was a total beach town and pretty much deserted, but i found a place, and the owners were very nice and accomadating and did not skimp on the pineapples.

filled up on pizza and headed back to the show. saw two fights....hardcore boys...i swear!! ergs finally played. it was awesome to see them again in a smaller, diy venue. the people who were there went crazy, singing along and dancing. the set was a lot of fun, and included covers of lineoleum, screaming at a wall, and fuck christmas.

dec 30th - headed back to philly and hung out with jay stein all day. we ate at sabrina's and went to the art museum. went to a whole foods and found those cookies i have been looking for for so long...the oatmeal raisan ones with icing in the middle. i bought two. passed out quite early.

dec 31st - headed to colorado for tbr and the nobodys for a new year's eve show. felt incredibly awkard, but the show was a lot of fun. the venue was way small, and there was only maybe forty people there, and we were all crammed into that room! but it was nice seeing tbr in a smaller venue like that. they played a long time, sounded great, encored, and just seemed to be having a good time. they played a lot of songs from total and also a lot of the new material, which was nice. i bought the new cd. i'm listening to it right now. the nobodys also played a long set and sounded good. beer in colorado is incredibly cheap. old style was there, which surprised me. i indulged until it was sold out, and then switched to pints of pbr.

no smoking in bars in colorado springs...total!

the trip was worth my time and money. mostly spent time alone, which is not really a problem for me. i was glad that i took action to do something that i wanted to do instead of sit around in winterwonderland and bitch about everything.

jan 1st - returned to chicago. a temp of 6 degrees and four inches of snow was waiting for me. no smoking in bars in chicago anymore...total!!

stop watching me "doin’ it!"

Current mood:in denial.

nothing like learning some one who was a co-worker and friend has passed suddenly and tragically to make all the bullshit i stress about seem completely insignificant.

that shit is just fucked.