i went to see a show two years ago at the new creepy crawl, and the band performing actually said, "this next one goes out to all the ugly girls in the room! where are all the ugly girls? get up here!"
the band was actually very good. i was way into their sound, their stage energy, lyrics. i got their new cd and received a sticker and button with my purchase. i still listen to that record a lot, the button is one of the few i have left because every time i go to a show that gets a little rowdy, i leave a button lighter. i look forward to when i am able to see them perform again.
i was at a point in my life when shit was really starting to hit the fan, and i was shutting myself off from friends. i stopped smiling, stopped going out and drinking and being social with the usual suspects at the usual hangouts. i even promised myself that i would stand up to a fear of heights with the final act of jumping off the eads bridge and get sucked into the icy undertow if things didn't improve by such-and-such date. even though i didn't know it at the time, i was a short time from leaving st. louis, to a bigger city of new opportunities and possibilities, and i wanted to run up to that stage, too, and hold my own, singing along, one fist in the air, with all the other ugly girls in the club amongst a sea of rambunctious hardcore boys.
i feel like i am a weird combination of a girl who seems to exude self-confidence to the point that she is often told she is unapproachable and intimidating, and of a girl who masks a lack of confidence with acceptance of things that she knows cannot change by overly-projecting a sense of self confidence.
i also have a more difficult time expressing myself with words, either written or spoken, than i do with actions. if a situation is favorable, i like to bake treats or bring snacks. in the past i would paint a picture or make a mix tape, although i haven't made one since 2006. i found out the person that i made it for didn't like it, and i went to his house and i stole it back. it was just sitting on the counter in the kitchen. if the situation is unfavorable, i will often withdraw into myself to avoid upsetting others. if pressed, i can really start to spit nails. i am very impulsive, spiteful, stubborn, and brash. i have also been told that i have a huge heart. i know this deep down, but its so much easier to focus on negative aspects. my mom always told me that no one would ever love me if i couldn't learn to love myself. i have always hated hearing that because the truth is that i hate myself.
i really have no idea where i am going with this blog. don't mistake the content for a difficult day, because the truth is that i am still on a roll...five in a row, baby! wed was good, thurs was good, fri was freakin' awesome! work went really well. i came home and found four bags of microwave popcorn on a shelf in my room and took them over to a friend's house to drink busch beer and watch weeds season 3.
yesterday was saturday and i went to the gym and then to deluxe. came home and made satisfying homemade pizza with the rest of the teese cheese.
today is sunday. the day got a little long, but i went to the gym this morning, checked out some books at the library, corresponded with some more people on craigslist, had a good conversation with a girl from work who i like. she even said there was a light-hearted tone to my voice that had been missing a while. tonight i went to the store. there was a sale on a brand of cookies that i like...two for $6!! looking back i should have purchased four not two, because i know those cookies don't stand a chance staying in this house long! there was also a sale on strawberries and a brownie mix.
tomorrow is monday. i have plans to go to the botanical gardens with the hygienist this week, so that is light at the end of my tunnel for this week. then next week is a trip to milwaukee and mauled by tigers. then more tattoos, heading back to stl for karen's party, and then moving. i haven't decided on a place for sure yet, but i know i am making a good move. it's a little farther to work, but nowhere i still can't bike to/from. the train/bus is still accessible. and opportunity to learn my way around a new neighborhood, figure out where in the store the items i want are located, patronize a different neighborhood bar and maybe meet a cute boy who is intersted in riding bikes to see a band, or staying up listening to records with me and baking brownies at 130am on a monday.
i like evanston a lot; i feel very safe here, i like the grocery store, library, gym. but what i want isn't here. i am screaming for companionship. i have had a difficult time meeting people up here, and its not like i haven't been trying. i understand that a lot of people are busy, myself included, and people my age usually already have friends and are not looking to branch out. people my age are also usually in long term committed relationships...or married! the pool of desirable prospects is ever-shrinking.
i wonder where i fall in that category. i honestly don't have any serious relationships to guage by. i dated a few boys in college, but nothing lasted more than a few months and could hardly be considered serious, or even a relationship. so then i'm left to wonder what it is that i am doing so wrong?
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