In like a lion

February has come to an end, and that is fine with me. I'm still depressed, but I do notice the days are getting longer. February is always pretty brutal; itsbeen winter for sooo long. Lots of overcast and rainy or snowy days.

I haven't ridden my bike yet in 2013. I am depressed and have enjoyed having the weather to blame for it. But id probably still be depressed even if it was nice out. I would still be depressed if I lived in another city.

I don't know what qualities I posess that make me a deal breaker, and I don't know what qualities I lack that make me a deal breaker. But there has to be some character flaw. I know that everyone has physical preferences and my tall lanky strong frame might not be everyone's taste, but at a certain point, personality is what matters.

It is starting to affect my work, and people are noticing. I have been coming in a good ten to twenty minutes late for the past four months because I am unmotivated. It's not that I dread going in; I'm fine once I get there. I just have a hard time finding the eneregy to get out of bed. I almost didn't go in at all last Tuesday. I called in with a headache (which was true, I had a massive migraine) and went in two hours late.

I cried in the car on the way there on Wednesday.

I have lost jobs before because of the depression, and while right now I don't think that will be the case now, it is still greatly affecting my job.

I went to work out today. I could not find my sport bra, so I wore a regular one. Therefore, I did not run, just lifted. I don't know how on earth I made it out of the house, but I did and I felt great at the gym and then for several hours after. But I'm back to my same sadself now. The crushing lonliness seems unending. I reached out to two people today. One didn't get back to me. One did shoot me a text about getting together for food on Sunday.

I admit I think terrible things.I'm not going to do anything rash, but I'm not going to stick around if this is the way its always going to be. I would go on a sweet trip, have a nice meal, have sex one last time, and end on a high note. I've been thinking about this A LOT lately. Where I want to go for my final adventure.