Easter Alternative

I don't give an EFF about Easter. I am not involved with church, so why would I? I was glad to have an alternative:

Today Jonathan and I met up at the J to go to bikes and then swimming. We rode for an hour, then (I) swam 2000 yards (He probably did more like 800-1000). I was pretty surprised that I went that far considering I hadn't swam in nearly a year. I did:
400 free, 200 kick
2 x 200 IM, 200 kick
8 x 50 (4 x free, 4 x breast) on :50 and :55, 200 kick
200 warm down

I was pretty tired in the triceps on the last 150 of the initial 400, but overall, I felt great in the water. Jonathan was impressed with my technique, although I never doubted myself!

After we went to Indian buffet. I kind of had a really bad headache, felt like it was from dehydration. We filled up on a variety of items then stuck around talking for about an hour.

Overall, it was a nice day. I am currently at my parents' house. My mom made a nice dinner, but my dad is still at work. Both of them went out to lunch with Grandma and Uncle Jim. All my mom has done is complain about how awful of a time it was for her. I really don't feel like listening to it.

I went upstairs for a bit to lay down, this headache was crushing. I feel asleep for about 90 minutes, and when I woke up, I felt awful. I was too hot underneath the blanket and was just soaked with sweat and my head was hurting even more. I'm also experiencing a lot of seasonal allergy symptoms. Watery eyes, frontal sinus pressure, runny nose. I'm excited for spring, but it is also such a miserable time for me because of all the pollen. Ha, a miserable time....what is new?

same old, same old

I've been angsty all day. Then I went to work out after work and felt great. Now I'm back to being angsty. I wish the feeling was temporary, but I'd be delusional to think that it is.

I need to get out of here. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. Although moving to another city isn't going to magically make my depression go away.

weekend recap v3.24

Friday night I decided to go to a show at FUBAR. It was on the lounge side and fairly well attended. Of all the dudes there, the only people I spoke to were Ron, Lew, and Daren.

Saturday I went out on Ex-Girlfriend for 2;45, pedaling JUST under 40 miles. Was a pretty bad idea, looking back, because I had no snacks/sugar/salt, just my water bottle and a phone and wallet in my gear bag. I went to Old Valmeyer via Levee Rd to B to 156. Usually I cruise along at just around 20mph, but on this trip I got ol' girl up to 30.2 mph for a quick burst on some flat terrain. Made it there in just about an hour.

Then I turned to head home and was hit with brutal head and cross winds. It was not enjoyable. I was averaging more around 13mph on the way home. And I was tired. But I just slowly made my way. I truly enjoy being on my bike, looking at the terrain, and organizing my thoughts. I was pretty wrecked when I got home, but overall, a successful outing.

Decided to go to a show on Saturday night. 'Dawgs played at Plush. A lot of their friends came out, and in general, the show was well attended, which is awesome because that venue is kinda huge. I drank a bunch of Stag in a can. Lars and the rest of the band wore suits for their oldies revue set, and it suited them well (I'm not sorry!) I watched three bands then left just after midnight because I was anxious to eat the last piece of pizza I knew was in the fridge before my date with my pillow.

Woke up and it's snowing balls, but weirdly not sticking to the concrete. I've been pretty lazy all day, which is fine. I have some clothes in the dryer for work this week. I'm going house viewing on Friday; fingers crosses that something will pan out. Other than that, nothing much to report.

I do have pics from the ride and also of the snow today. But I don't feel like spending the time to upload. Here's a video. I kinda love this song right now.

circling back

Fired up the Ye Olde Online Dating Profile. AND I paid for a subscription. It's been....roughly 30 minutes, and so far, I regret it. I don't see anyone but dude-bros and bro-dawgs. Well, to be fair, there was maybe three total tools. And perhaps two I clicked "yes" for "I'm interested" because the site was no longer giving me other options after having selected "no" or "maybe" for so many they selected for me.

Curiously, and I did not pick up on this earlier, but it does confirm my suspicions, but in the photos of my "potential matches" where they are in a group setting, any females who are also in the pics do not look like me. I have edge. They all have the same long-styled haircut and little dresses and high heels. "Club" setting. I, for one, have no problem NEVER setting a foot on Washington Avenue, unless maybe its Rue on a Tuesday and there are sweet bands for no cover.

I feel like if I want to complain about how lonely or miserable I am, I should at least put forth an honest effort to change my situation. I also read an article on Yahoo about dating tips for women in the the tens and how technology has changed the game. At the root of the article, though, the main idea was to not give up. So I guess, this is me no giving up.

I wish Matthew wanted something serious and not just get shithammered with his friends every night, because he's the one I (foolishly) want.

painting the town green...and white.

Current weather conditions are snowy and sleety. I have no problem parking it on the couch instead of going to the parade. Although, I did paint my fingernails green last night.

I was going to meet up with Ashley and Josh for breakfast, then we were going to walk to the parade, but none of us is hardcore enough (or stupid enough) to be cold and wet in Dogtown all day.


For those that are, I hope you have a great time. I, for one, am looking forward to going to the gym later and not having a lot of other people there.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

WWJRD?

J.R. is dead!!!! I posted before, about how the new Dallas is currently my ultimate guilty pleasre. I was curious how the writers were going to handle the real life passing of J.R..

The funeral episode was tonight.

It made me think a lot about my own grandfather, who passed away last September. He was a huge fan of the original series, and he was hospitalized for bypass when the "Who shot J.R.?".episode aired. I was very young and had never seen the show. I remember that we had to go buy a VCR so that we could record the episode so he could watch when he came back home from the hospital.

I think about my grandfather a lot, and there is one specific image from the funeral that sticks in my mind, and that was when all the pallbearers took the casket out of the church. I saw my cousin Mike place one hand on the casket in a final goodbye. Grandfather was so stubborn, I still can't believe he is gone sometimes.

When my sister was home over Christmas, she fell asleep on the couch downstairs with her hand on her chin and her pointer finger over her mouth, just like Grandfather used to do. I can still picture him sitting in his recliner and watching television in that same position.

Fun bug tags bags

I am currently at home, winding down and relaxing, trying to organize my thoughts of the awesome weekend that just unfolded.

On Friday night, I took a nap after work and before heading to demo for Copyrights. I showed up shortly after ten, and two of the bands were finished playing, and the third of four was just starting. I decided to keep plowing through this mess, and headed to the bar to kick off the night with some whiskey. Saw lots of friends, most excitedly Krissy, who I haven't seen in nearly a year.

I had contacted Brett earlier in the week about purchasing a pendant he had made out of a re-used wood palate. It was cute!! I paid him and put on the necklace.

The demo is a pretty sweet, simple place. Sound was great out on the floor. My only complaint is that the stage is a little high. Like if I stood in the front, I would have to crane my neck waaaay back to see. It was a great height, though, to see from in the back.

I'm going to skip straight to The Copyrights' set now. It was great. They played a lot of the songs from the newest record, which was awesome. Then we all got a treat when they played Four Eyes and Not For Shaving. Closed with Cashiers and Kids Of The Blackhole, which are great sing-a-longs. They all sounded tight, too, from what I could tell. I was initially down near the front with Ashley, not paying attention and joking around about guys we used to bang. Crowd was kinda sorta tame. But, we were in the front, so I was unaware if people behind were into it. When Not For Shaving and Four Eyes came on, I really noticed that people livened up and were into it.

The show was done pretty early, and several of us stayed drinking until we were kicked out. Josh wanted to go home, but Ashley wanted to hang out, so I told Josh I would bring her home. Jay wanted to stay, too (this surprised me, but also didn't surprise me), and asked that since I had tix to the show in Chicago, I could drive him up in time for load in. Everyone else drove up to Springfield.

So Ashley, Jay, and I went to Lemmon's for after hours. There was a lot of people there. We played Shuffleboard (girls won!). 'Hawk was not amused. We all stayed until 3am, then to some wiener house in the CWE for additional after hours hangouts. We had some margaritas (delicious!) and some banana Schnapp's (disgusting!). Some people were playing music, Ashley fell asleep, and Jay and I banged out on the couch. It is DESTROYED! And I'm not sorry. Seriously, the hosts were total boners (read: arrogant assholes). I haven't been with Jay since 2008 and well, fingertips have memories. I hadn't forgotten how nice it is to have his strong hands on my body. He is also really warm, which was comforting since that house was freaking cold. He does everything I want, and he loves when I come all over him. Drink it up!! Drink it up!!

We passed out naked, holding each other close on cold, wet couch cushions. We tried to flip them over, but there was Velcro/we were unable to remedy the situation by covering it up and flipping over the cushions. Again, I'm not sorry.

We slept probably about 45 minutes before Ashley opened the door and found our naked asses. We needed to get home, and she was concerned that Josh was angry with her for staying out all night (we didn't get home til 7am). Jay and I slept in the spare bedroom downstairs, Ashley baked some cookies, and Josh didn't seem too pissed. We slept just over 3 hours then went to Everest before leaving for Chi.

Drive up was uneventful. Good conversation. We made it in time for load in, and I went to Eads Manor to relax before heading to the show. Ben and I ordered delicious sandwiches from 90 Miles and then walked to Beat Kitchen. The sandwiches were delicious and the walk was nice. Not too cold, crisp air, brisk pace.

I thought the show started at 8, but it started at 630, so we missed the first two bands.kind of a bummer because I wanted to see Slow Death, but they tour and I will see them another time.

Copyrights were up, and I was down on the floor, kinda near the back. Not a lot of people were jumping around, even down near the front, and it was kinda pissing me off. There was a pit three different times, though. The sound was great in the venue, and the band sounded tight. The crowd didn't seem to know or be into the songs from the new record, but went nutzoid for the older stuff. There were no surprise songs, but an. Excellent set.

OWTH were the headliner. They played the new record from start to front, and that was sweet, but this was the release party, so no one knew the songs!! I kinda lost interest for a few minutes, then started having an allergic reaction to something in the air, and went out to get some fresh air. I came back and the band played some of the old jams. I Am You, Self Check, SOS, Jackie Lee, Die Today, and Keep Falling Down. Closed with Clear the Air. I was happy they played the hits we all wanted to hear, but I understand thay they get tired of playing the same songs each time. Before I left, I bought the new record. It was $20 (holy shit!) But that came with both vinyl and CD formats. I said goodbye to several people and Ben and I rode with some Ohio friends to Cole's for after show show.

Cole's was "at capacity" so we had to wait outside for a few minutes. When we were let in, there was not a lot of people inside. I got a beer and saw a lot of friends, including Josh, who I was not expecting to see and therefore did not have a MoneyMelon for him, which we joked about this. I was very anxious and Ben knew it, but I went up to the front and watched The Fur Coats, who I thoroughly enjoyed. Plus, it was so....refreshing seeing Logan Square gays out and about and enjoying the show. Brickfight was up next, but I was about to pass out standing up and Ben and I walked back to his house. I later found out that Slow Death played a second set, and I would have seen it had I stuck around. Like I said, they tour, and I will see them again soon enough.

Ben let me sleep in his bed because he is an accommadating host. I feel asleep right away, and he left to go to another party and when he came back, he passed out on the couch.

I woke up about ten am and showered (oh, it was wonderful!) and went to Handlebar to meet up with Booker for brunch. It was pretty crowded there, which surprised me since it was spring forward with the clocks so I figured a lot of people would still be asleep. We sat at the bar so we could joke around with Russ, and Booker told me all about his moto trip out West/to the Hoover Dam and Death Valley. Sounded badass!

We parted ways and I drove back home. Met with rain the whole way, sometimes pretty hard and it was difficult to see the road. I drank three glasses of water at brunch and peed before I left Chicago, but I still had to go. I made it to Lincoln, the last 30 minutes were one giant kegel exercises session, and I peed for 77 seconds. I kept passing exit after exit that didn't have a gas station/food. I seriously considered for a moment about sacrificing a hoodie or floor mat.

All said and done, an excellent weekend. I'm glad that I went up for the show; it was a great time. I definitely feel the mental clarity/release that comes after a weekend of cutting loose, but no shameover. On the way home, I listened to the new OWTH numerous times, and I admit....I LIKE IT!! Side B is def better, but lyrically, I'm way into the new record. I would even say I like it more than the previous one. Granted, it's no 'Hospitals' but nothing ever will be.

a special day for the office girls

Today Dr. S had a "salon day" for all of us at work. We had our hair, make-up, and nails done. Then we took a stretch Navigator to The Jewel Box, where a photographer took head shots and group shots for our website. It was a lot of fun, and something I would not otherwise have done. It was also humorous to me that all of us were dressed up and stylin' since usually we are all so casual in our scrubs everyday.

Here is one of my head shots. I pulled it up on the website then took a photo of it with my phone. I am going to purchase a 4 x 6 or similar small-size print for my parents. I don't think they have a nice photo of me that is less than 12 years old.

Sunday afternoon

I've kind of had a headache all day.

Lifted, 90 minutes total gym time. Was creeped out by two beefcakes who were watching (read: staring) at me when I was on my last set of RDLs.

Met up with Jonathan for Ethopian dinner. It was an excellent time. I enjoyed the food (we split a veg combo) and the conversation was also nice. He is def growing on me.

I decided to move into the Chase. Did you know, loyal reader, that there are executive apartments there? Well, there are. Fully furnished, too. Housekeeping services, all utilities/amenities, pool access, and gym access. I've decided to do this in June, so I can take full advantage of the pool during summer, as well as full advantage of the bike paaths in Forest Park. It's gonna be totally bitch!

I'm typing this on my phone as I lay in bed. I'm super thirsty because I started taking my medicine again and it makes my saliva disappear. I would love to enclose a video, but I'm not very good with having multiple windows open on my phone. So, goodnight!!

Mr. Sandman

So I've been felling better today. I was woken up by my phone at 8:13am. Roy was calling. He asked me if I was sleeping. I laughed that yes, I was sleeping, and not only that, but I was having a "sexy dream!" HAHAHAHAHA!

This is half true. The dream was slightly erotic, but it was not going to be a sex dream. And I probably would not have remembered it if he had not called and woken me up in the middle of it, so I couldn't really be angry about it.

But it is funny to me, in that this was the second time I have ever dreamed about my number one crush. Neither have been sex dreams. The first time was over a year ago. In the dream, I was vacationing in Aruba and he was in the hut next to mine with a female companion. We were playing with baby pigs and baby wiener dogs that were swimming around in the water. It was soooo much fun and the animals were sooo cute paddling around in the water. His body was looking jacked and when I told him that in my dream, he didn't have any body hair, his reply (via text) was, "I am a waxed god." I about died.

This morning, in my dream, we were both vacationing separately on the west coast. I was in Big Sur with my dad who was on a business trip. I spent the morning taking beautiful pictures of the sun coming up. Number one crush was also in Big Sur, but was heading back to Oregon to meet up with friends, and I was going to ride back with him because my dad was going to stay in Big Sur and go to a basketball game later in the night. So I went into the hotel room and knelt down on the bed and was rooting through my suitcase to get my change of cloths (I was wearing a bathing suit), and number one crush was sitting at a table within arms-reach. I mentioned to him that I had been lifting a lot of my booty was getting tight and then nodded my head toward it, almost in permission for him to touch it. He reached over and grabbed it and concurred that it was tight. Then he started lightly spanking it/jiggling it. I laughed and told him to stop teasing me. Then I heard the phone ringing and jumped up off the bed to look for my phone.

In real life, I was under the covers in my bed and my phone was on the charger next to me, and we are back at the start of this post. Again, I'm not mad. It's humorous to me. I am going to tell him this, too, when he gets back from his vacation.

In like a lion

February has come to an end, and that is fine with me. I'm still depressed, but I do notice the days are getting longer. February is always pretty brutal; itsbeen winter for sooo long. Lots of overcast and rainy or snowy days.

I haven't ridden my bike yet in 2013. I am depressed and have enjoyed having the weather to blame for it. But id probably still be depressed even if it was nice out. I would still be depressed if I lived in another city.

I don't know what qualities I posess that make me a deal breaker, and I don't know what qualities I lack that make me a deal breaker. But there has to be some character flaw. I know that everyone has physical preferences and my tall lanky strong frame might not be everyone's taste, but at a certain point, personality is what matters.

It is starting to affect my work, and people are noticing. I have been coming in a good ten to twenty minutes late for the past four months because I am unmotivated. It's not that I dread going in; I'm fine once I get there. I just have a hard time finding the eneregy to get out of bed. I almost didn't go in at all last Tuesday. I called in with a headache (which was true, I had a massive migraine) and went in two hours late.

I cried in the car on the way there on Wednesday.

I have lost jobs before because of the depression, and while right now I don't think that will be the case now, it is still greatly affecting my job.

I went to work out today. I could not find my sport bra, so I wore a regular one. Therefore, I did not run, just lifted. I don't know how on earth I made it out of the house, but I did and I felt great at the gym and then for several hours after. But I'm back to my same sadself now. The crushing lonliness seems unending. I reached out to two people today. One didn't get back to me. One did shoot me a text about getting together for food on Sunday.

I admit I think terrible things.I'm not going to do anything rash, but I'm not going to stick around if this is the way its always going to be. I would go on a sweet trip, have a nice meal, have sex one last time, and end on a high note. I've been thinking about this A LOT lately. Where I want to go for my final adventure.