Current mood: 
anxious
anxiousProbably safe to assume that spring is here to stay. Winter is passed and so is my desire to throw in the towel. It's amazing that I didn't do myself in this year, I know I have dwelled on it a lot.
I have been miserable and pissy and lashing out a lot, especially at work. I don't blame people for not wanting to hang out with me/go on dates with me/be my friend. I wouldn't want to be friends with me either.
At the beginning of March, as I was leaving class at 10pm on a Monday, I turned my phone back on and was bombarded with alerts for missed calls, new voicemails, and unread text messages. Dad, brother, sister, Aunt Patty. I was informed that my mom got really sick really fast and I needed to come back to STL as soon as I could so I could say goodbye to my mom.
I drove home and checked the bus schedule and train schedule. The overnight service during the week had been discontinued, and I didn't want to wait until morning b/c I knew that I wouldn't sleep anyway. I ended up driving all night. I left Chicago at about 11pm and cruised out of the city no problem. I-55 is a lonely road. I was a complete wreck the whole way home. I do not consider myself a religious person, but I was praying the whole way. Not like this not like this. Not now. Its not time. Not like this not like this.
I arrived at my parents' house at 330am and my bro was awake and strung out in the basement. Wiener dog was excited to see me and I took him out to the yard before we went upstairs to sleep.
When I went to the hospital, my mom was in the ICU with 9 IVs hooked up and an oxygen mask/breathing tubes on her face. At first she was mad that I was there, asking why wasn't I at work or if I was on spring break from school. She didn't realize how sick she was. She said that she knew she was in trouble if Sally was flying in. Everyone kind of shared a nervous glance b/c Aunt Patty and I were going to the airport to pick up Sally in a few hours.
My dad slept at the hospital every night. My Aunt Patty took the train in from KCMO, Aunt Nancy and Uncle Fred came to hospital every day. They just live in SoCo. Grandma Lucielle stayed with my mom for a long time, too. I have always sensed some sort of nonverbal tension between the two of them, but after this ordeal, I think that anything that might have been there is gone.
My mom eventually got better and is now home. She's tired a lot, and I went back over spring break to help around the house and cook for her and I worked in the yard, getting the flower beds ready for spring.
My job has been a cemetary for my soul this winter. Its been so slow, and I hate going in and sitting alonelylonelylone at the desk. The doctor has gotten mad at me on the few occassions he has caught me doing my homework while on the clock. But I don't see what the big deal is. How is me staring out the window doing nothing, waiting for the phone to ring, any different that me sitting at the desk reading my textbook, waiting for the phone to ring? I also have felt very frustrated b/c he sleeps in his office all day long. And charts just pile up unwritten. There are some that are over a month old, including a biopsy. Poor kid's tumor is just sitting in the little jar of fluid, labeled and ready to be shipped to the pathologist as soon as doc fills out the rest of the biospy report.
I have a second job working in a fucking fast food restaurant just so I can barely scrape by. I don't have any benefits with either job. No insurance, no holidays, no sick pay. If I'm not clocked in, I'm not getting anything. Rereading what I have just written in this paragraph, and repeating it out loud....I sound fucking insane!
I have been looking for another job, but all the postings are for bilingual assistants or for burbs. Plus, I guess I should be thankful that I do have flexibility with the schedule to accommodate my school stuff.
I am taking great strides to be prepared for the DAT. I want to take it the first Wednesday in June. If I get a good enough score, then I can submit my application. If I don't score well, I will need to retake it after 90 days.
I am currently enrolled in summer school up here. I am going to take two classes. I will have to leave work at 2pm to do this, but I need these classes and there are no other sections available.
I am enrolled for fall semester at my current school up here and also at STLCC. Just in case I end up coming back home. I feel like such a pussy about it, too. I legit don't want to be here next year. I have been miserable and lonely and pissy and lashing out at people who don't deserve it. I don't want to be like that. But running away back to my parent's house is not the answer, and I know that deep down. I like to think about cooking dinner with my family and having people around to joke with and talk to. Riding bikes to the levee with my dad, taking wiener dog to the park. My support system is in STL.
I have been running in the forest between work and school for the past month. I run three to four times per week, a 3 mile loop each time. I don't go very fast, like just under 8minute miles. I ran today and when I came back to the office to change clothes and heat up some dinner before going to school, I saw the doctor across the parking lot, walking out of the store with groceries for dinner with his family, and suddenly I felt a lightness to my heart and I almost started to cry.
He's a nice person and I'm such a bitch a lot of the time. Even when we were in DC last weekend, some lady on the street asked me to take a picture of her and her family, and I was rude to her. I have hatred in my heart and it's wearing me out. The hatred is for me, and I'm directing it at every one else.
But my heart also wants what my heart wants. I was propositioned yesterday. I declined but I was flattered because I have been feeling exceptionally unpretty. If my hair is gross and ratty and my hoodie and shoes are tattered and I have a scowl on my face and my skin is gross because I've been drinking myself to sleep every night, I feel justification in people not wanting to date me. I still see Giuseppe at shows. I hate seeing him because it makes me sad. The last time I saw him was the night of the Dopamines show. I got really upset and ended up crying the whole walk home. I have gotten rid of everything that reminds me of him and his number has been deleted from my phone. I guess I should be thankful, though, that when I do run in to him, he is always nice to me and he is not with some one else. Still makes me sad, though.
The temperature has been so mild and people are starting to get outdoors more. I always see cute punk rock boys in the neighborhood, zipping around on their bikes in cut-offs. I want to meet one and have him care about me as much as I care about him. I want to go to the beach and drink beers on the porch and each tacos on the patio at irazu, and hold hands while walking around the park. I want to be on the radar.
Walking out of school tonight, rain starting falling fast and hard. I could hear a gentle thunder roll far off. The parking lot was deserted and I closed my eyes and listened to the rain for a moment. I remembered a project I wanted to do last October but never got around to. I am going to make an effort to take some pictures of the rain this spring. Different types of rain....hard rains, light rains, water gushing down the streets, overfilled storm drains, pouring out of gutters, light reflecting off the slick road and reflecting off the glass of the CTA.
I admit that I am looking forward to summertime. I will have a lighter school schedule, have promised myself that I would go to the beach at least twice a week to bask in the sun. Get the entrance exam out of the way, hopefully meet a nice boy. Lots of good shows coming through. Hot time summer in the city!
Current Conditions in Chicago:
air temp: 65F
Prec: stormy
knee: sore
heart: still beating
I am enclosing a video of one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands:
I have been miserable and pissy and lashing out a lot, especially at work. I don't blame people for not wanting to hang out with me/go on dates with me/be my friend. I wouldn't want to be friends with me either.
At the beginning of March, as I was leaving class at 10pm on a Monday, I turned my phone back on and was bombarded with alerts for missed calls, new voicemails, and unread text messages. Dad, brother, sister, Aunt Patty. I was informed that my mom got really sick really fast and I needed to come back to STL as soon as I could so I could say goodbye to my mom.
I drove home and checked the bus schedule and train schedule. The overnight service during the week had been discontinued, and I didn't want to wait until morning b/c I knew that I wouldn't sleep anyway. I ended up driving all night. I left Chicago at about 11pm and cruised out of the city no problem. I-55 is a lonely road. I was a complete wreck the whole way home. I do not consider myself a religious person, but I was praying the whole way. Not like this not like this. Not now. Its not time. Not like this not like this.
I arrived at my parents' house at 330am and my bro was awake and strung out in the basement. Wiener dog was excited to see me and I took him out to the yard before we went upstairs to sleep.
When I went to the hospital, my mom was in the ICU with 9 IVs hooked up and an oxygen mask/breathing tubes on her face. At first she was mad that I was there, asking why wasn't I at work or if I was on spring break from school. She didn't realize how sick she was. She said that she knew she was in trouble if Sally was flying in. Everyone kind of shared a nervous glance b/c Aunt Patty and I were going to the airport to pick up Sally in a few hours.
My dad slept at the hospital every night. My Aunt Patty took the train in from KCMO, Aunt Nancy and Uncle Fred came to hospital every day. They just live in SoCo. Grandma Lucielle stayed with my mom for a long time, too. I have always sensed some sort of nonverbal tension between the two of them, but after this ordeal, I think that anything that might have been there is gone.
My mom eventually got better and is now home. She's tired a lot, and I went back over spring break to help around the house and cook for her and I worked in the yard, getting the flower beds ready for spring.
My job has been a cemetary for my soul this winter. Its been so slow, and I hate going in and sitting alonelylonelylone at the desk. The doctor has gotten mad at me on the few occassions he has caught me doing my homework while on the clock. But I don't see what the big deal is. How is me staring out the window doing nothing, waiting for the phone to ring, any different that me sitting at the desk reading my textbook, waiting for the phone to ring? I also have felt very frustrated b/c he sleeps in his office all day long. And charts just pile up unwritten. There are some that are over a month old, including a biopsy. Poor kid's tumor is just sitting in the little jar of fluid, labeled and ready to be shipped to the pathologist as soon as doc fills out the rest of the biospy report.
I have a second job working in a fucking fast food restaurant just so I can barely scrape by. I don't have any benefits with either job. No insurance, no holidays, no sick pay. If I'm not clocked in, I'm not getting anything. Rereading what I have just written in this paragraph, and repeating it out loud....I sound fucking insane!
I have been looking for another job, but all the postings are for bilingual assistants or for burbs. Plus, I guess I should be thankful that I do have flexibility with the schedule to accommodate my school stuff.
I am taking great strides to be prepared for the DAT. I want to take it the first Wednesday in June. If I get a good enough score, then I can submit my application. If I don't score well, I will need to retake it after 90 days.
I am currently enrolled in summer school up here. I am going to take two classes. I will have to leave work at 2pm to do this, but I need these classes and there are no other sections available.
I am enrolled for fall semester at my current school up here and also at STLCC. Just in case I end up coming back home. I feel like such a pussy about it, too. I legit don't want to be here next year. I have been miserable and lonely and pissy and lashing out at people who don't deserve it. I don't want to be like that. But running away back to my parent's house is not the answer, and I know that deep down. I like to think about cooking dinner with my family and having people around to joke with and talk to. Riding bikes to the levee with my dad, taking wiener dog to the park. My support system is in STL.
I have been running in the forest between work and school for the past month. I run three to four times per week, a 3 mile loop each time. I don't go very fast, like just under 8minute miles. I ran today and when I came back to the office to change clothes and heat up some dinner before going to school, I saw the doctor across the parking lot, walking out of the store with groceries for dinner with his family, and suddenly I felt a lightness to my heart and I almost started to cry.
He's a nice person and I'm such a bitch a lot of the time. Even when we were in DC last weekend, some lady on the street asked me to take a picture of her and her family, and I was rude to her. I have hatred in my heart and it's wearing me out. The hatred is for me, and I'm directing it at every one else.
But my heart also wants what my heart wants. I was propositioned yesterday. I declined but I was flattered because I have been feeling exceptionally unpretty. If my hair is gross and ratty and my hoodie and shoes are tattered and I have a scowl on my face and my skin is gross because I've been drinking myself to sleep every night, I feel justification in people not wanting to date me. I still see Giuseppe at shows. I hate seeing him because it makes me sad. The last time I saw him was the night of the Dopamines show. I got really upset and ended up crying the whole walk home. I have gotten rid of everything that reminds me of him and his number has been deleted from my phone. I guess I should be thankful, though, that when I do run in to him, he is always nice to me and he is not with some one else. Still makes me sad, though.
The temperature has been so mild and people are starting to get outdoors more. I always see cute punk rock boys in the neighborhood, zipping around on their bikes in cut-offs. I want to meet one and have him care about me as much as I care about him. I want to go to the beach and drink beers on the porch and each tacos on the patio at irazu, and hold hands while walking around the park. I want to be on the radar.
Walking out of school tonight, rain starting falling fast and hard. I could hear a gentle thunder roll far off. The parking lot was deserted and I closed my eyes and listened to the rain for a moment. I remembered a project I wanted to do last October but never got around to. I am going to make an effort to take some pictures of the rain this spring. Different types of rain....hard rains, light rains, water gushing down the streets, overfilled storm drains, pouring out of gutters, light reflecting off the slick road and reflecting off the glass of the CTA.
I admit that I am looking forward to summertime. I will have a lighter school schedule, have promised myself that I would go to the beach at least twice a week to bask in the sun. Get the entrance exam out of the way, hopefully meet a nice boy. Lots of good shows coming through. Hot time summer in the city!
Current Conditions in Chicago:
air temp: 65F
Prec: stormy
knee: sore
heart: still beating
I am enclosing a video of one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands:
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