why you gotta be droppin’ g-bombs on me?

Current mood:six in a row, baby! wed-mon!

i love a good puke story; this one doesn't even involve alcohol.

last summer i went out on a few dates with a boy who i met playing kickball and getting down on some temptation cones at foster beach. He actually seemed like he would have been quite a catch. i thought he was cute...slender with muscle tone, glasses, tattoos, listened to good music, into riding bikes, well-read but not pretentious, steady job and college educated but not a stiff shirt.

we went out quite many times. he was always very nice to me and asked me questions but also contributed to the conversation.

we went to the movies twice. once to see ratatouille and another time he took me to alice and friends before we went to see the ten. the third time we hung out just us he came over to my house and we made pizza, and then i schooled him in scrabble before we turned the tv on to watch shark week. we sat by each other on my little black couch, staring straight ahead at the tv, watching never-before-seen footage of great whites jumping completely out of the water to catch some seals, awkwardly letting our arms or legs brush against each other, but neither daring to make a move. when he left, i walked him down to the front door and we gave each other a hug and smiled.

he sent me an email the next day saying that the past week hanging out with me was one of the best in a while for him; i was excited, too. i made up my mind that the next time we hung out, if he didn't make a move, i would be the one to act.

we had made plans to go get some food way south at a mexican place. i was supposed to meet him at his house when he got home from work. i went to the gym beforehand, showered there, and then drove to his house. he called me because he had a flat tire and was late getting home. i had gone to a park and watched a few innings of an adult softball league. i didn't mind that he was late, these things happen, but i was starving because i didn't eat before i went to the gym and then had to deal with the post-workout famine.

he finally called me that he replaced his tire and was home but needed to shower and stuff. again, i didn't mind. the day was hot and humid and he had just biked home in rush hour and had to deal with a busted tube.

after much delay, we got to the place and i was so ravenous that when the waitress brought out a bowl of carrots seeped in jalapenos, i started downing these carrots like they were chips. my stomach was empty, and i put those carrots away! the food was delivered, we ate our plates and both of felt very satiated.

we get in the car to head home and my stomach started to tumble. i knew it was those fire-hot carrots screaming to get outta there! problem was we were in his car, on the highway! i started to get really hot and sweaty and shake a little bit. i knew i was going to start heaving soon. i closed my eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths.

we made it back to his house and parked the car on the street just as i opened the passenger side and threw up all over the curb. but i knew it wasn't over yet. we RAN back to his house, up the back stairs, and into the bathroom where i puked everywhere two more times.

i was shaking as i laid my sweaty forehead against the cool soothing tiles of the floor. i'm sure it was absolutely hilarious, and i don't blame him for laughing at me a little bit.

after i threw up all the food i ate and then finally the firy carrots, my body was calm again and i went home.

i was disappointed because i was ready to kiss this boy on this day but my mouth tasted like puke. he didn't call me back after and we didn't see each until several months later when i asked him if he wanted to meet me for lunch.

i arrived first and he called me to tell me he was going to be a little late because he got into a fender bender with a city bus and was waiting for that to be resolved. i ordered a pint at the bar and waited.

when he arrived, we got a table and ordered food. the conversation went really well and we both laughed and smiled a lot. i mentioned that i was going to st. louis in a few weeks to see my friends and family for my birthday. then he mentioned that he had plans to go to st. louis that winter as well, with his girlfriend to meet her family.

i was floored. that was the last thing i was expecting to come out of his mouth.

the moment that g-bomb was dropped, i maintained a calm demeanor, but my brain was reeling. i immediately thought it was odd that he agreed to meet me for lunch. i wondered how long they had been seeing each other. my guess is that it was somewhat serious if they were taking a day trip to meet her family.

i was also overcome with gratefulness because i was going to ask him why he never called me back or if he was interested in me and tell him that i enjoyed spending time together last summer as well and ask if he wanted to hang out some more. and i wanted to act on physical impluses i had, and i felt like he would be receptive to those advances.

i'm glad i was spared the humiliation of bringing anything up, but seriously, why did he have to drop a g-bomb on me like that?

post script: i bring this up now because this boy also happens to be a long time patient at the dentist office where i work and he was in for an appointment today and holy shit he looked way cute. black shoes, cut-off knee length jean shorts, red t-shirt that accented his slender build. new glasses, new tattoos, clean smile. i didn't even realize it was him at first. i was breaking down a room that had windows facing the street and some one walking by caught the corner of my eye. i saw this person walk into the front office, and turns out it was the boy from last summer.

this one goes out to all the ugly girls in the room!

Current mood:can’t quite put my finger on it.

i went to see a show two years ago at the new creepy crawl, and the band performing actually said, "this next one goes out to all the ugly girls in the room! where are all the ugly girls? get up here!"

the band was actually very good. i was way into their sound, their stage energy, lyrics. i got their new cd and received a sticker and button with my purchase. i still listen to that record a lot, the button is one of the few i have left because every time i go to a show that gets a little rowdy, i leave a button lighter. i look forward to when i am able to see them perform again.

i was at a point in my life when shit was really starting to hit the fan, and i was shutting myself off from friends. i stopped smiling, stopped going out and drinking and being social with the usual suspects at the usual hangouts. i even promised myself that i would stand up to a fear of heights with the final act of jumping off the eads bridge and get sucked into the icy undertow if things didn't improve by such-and-such date. even though i didn't know it at the time, i was a short time from leaving st. louis, to a bigger city of new opportunities and possibilities, and i wanted to run up to that stage, too, and hold my own, singing along, one fist in the air, with all the other ugly girls in the club amongst a sea of rambunctious hardcore boys.

i feel like i am a weird combination of a girl who seems to exude self-confidence to the point that she is often told she is unapproachable and intimidating, and of a girl who masks a lack of confidence with acceptance of things that she knows cannot change by overly-projecting a sense of self confidence.

i also have a more difficult time expressing myself with words, either written or spoken, than i do with actions. if a situation is favorable, i like to bake treats or bring snacks. in the past i would paint a picture or make a mix tape, although i haven't made one since 2006. i found out the person that i made it for didn't like it, and i went to his house and i stole it back. it was just sitting on the counter in the kitchen. if the situation is unfavorable, i will often withdraw into myself to avoid upsetting others. if pressed, i can really start to spit nails. i am very impulsive, spiteful, stubborn, and brash. i have also been told that i have a huge heart. i know this deep down, but its so much easier to focus on negative aspects. my mom always told me that no one would ever love me if i couldn't learn to love myself. i have always hated hearing that because the truth is that i hate myself.

i really have no idea where i am going with this blog. don't mistake the content for a difficult day, because the truth is that i am still on a roll...five in a row, baby! wed was good, thurs was good, fri was freakin' awesome! work went really well. i came home and found four bags of microwave popcorn on a shelf in my room and took them over to a friend's house to drink busch beer and watch weeds season 3.

yesterday was saturday and i went to the gym and then to deluxe. came home and made satisfying homemade pizza with the rest of the teese cheese.

today is sunday. the day got a little long, but i went to the gym this morning, checked out some books at the library, corresponded with some more people on craigslist, had a good conversation with a girl from work who i like. she even said there was a light-hearted tone to my voice that had been missing a while. tonight i went to the store. there was a sale on a brand of cookies that i like...two for $6!! looking back i should have purchased four not two, because i know those cookies don't stand a chance staying in this house long! there was also a sale on strawberries and a brownie mix.

tomorrow is monday. i have plans to go to the botanical gardens with the hygienist this week, so that is light at the end of my tunnel for this week. then next week is a trip to milwaukee and mauled by tigers. then more tattoos, heading back to stl for karen's party, and then moving. i haven't decided on a place for sure yet, but i know i am making a good move. it's a little farther to work, but nowhere i still can't bike to/from. the train/bus is still accessible. and opportunity to learn my way around a new neighborhood, figure out where in the store the items i want are located, patronize a different neighborhood bar and maybe meet a cute boy who is intersted in riding bikes to see a band, or staying up listening to records with me and baking brownies at 130am on a monday.

i like evanston a lot; i feel very safe here, i like the grocery store, library, gym. but what i want isn't here. i am screaming for companionship. i have had a difficult time meeting people up here, and its not like i haven't been trying. i understand that a lot of people are busy, myself included, and people my age usually already have friends and are not looking to branch out. people my age are also usually in long term committed relationships...or married! the pool of desirable prospects is ever-shrinking.

i wonder where i fall in that category. i honestly don't have any serious relationships to guage by. i dated a few boys in college, but nothing lasted more than a few months and could hardly be considered serious, or even a relationship. so then i'm left to wonder what it is that i am doing so wrong?

it lets me know i’m alive!

Current mood:unstoppable!

so far so good. two good days in a row!

yesterday i went to the beat kitchen to see some friends play and wish rich a happy birthday. i had a nice time, drank some hamm's and stopped for a spicy burrito on the way home.

the dentist was out of town today, so i got to sleep late, which was awesome! seriously, i stayed curled up under the quilt until like 1030! i can't even remember the last time that happened! my room was so dark from the blanket i use as a curtain, and the oscelating fan was circulating lots of cool air.

i responded to three ads on craigslist for roommates wanted, so that was productive. i already have plans to meet up with one of the girls on sunday to check the place out.

i went to the gym and swam 2000y in 35 min. i wonder a little lately if i am working out too much. my stomach is flatter and firmer than it has been since i stopped swimming but i feel like my arms and shoulders are starting to get a little toner/larger. i was really uncomfortable with myself physically when i was swimming competitively, but the past few years since i stopped my arms and shoulder shrunk to a size i was very pleased with. no one has said i look hoss or anything, and i know i don't, but i think i may need to cut back a little.

i feel really unstoppable right now. even if i'm not necessarily all the way in a place i want to be in my life, i'm not scared. i feel really calm about where i'm going, even if certain outcomes aren't what i would prefer, i know i will rise above. i am making changes and taking action to get to a better place physically, emotionally, mentally.

i am looking forward to fun social events in the coming weeks including fun shows such as mauled by tigers, tattoos, trips to milwaukee to sing along to ergs with cute sweaty punk rock boys in a hot basement and to south city to attend karen's 30th b-day luau.

also, the olympics for swimming start on 8.9. i am so amped!! i am anxious to see just how fast the water cube really is. i read an article about the engineering of it and it sounds amazing. the pool in athens was a freakin' joke, and the chinese have gone to great measures to build some amazing looking structures. the cube, coupled with the new lzr suits and the build up that is olympic competition, world records are going to drop like flies in beijing!

two good days in row. score one for susan!