Current Conditions

Yesterday was a day of firsts.

Johnny called me to meet for lunch/breakfast/brunch. Whichever is the correct classification for being hungover and eating breakfast food at lunchtime. That was the first time we have spoken in two months. I really wasn't sure what to expect, but he was nice to me.

I hung out for the first time with a new boy who is waaay cute. It was almost distracting. I know I was smiling a lot; he was, too. We hit it off really well. The conversation was really great and easy and we have a lot of common interests and ideals. We went to the forest preserve and his dog came along, too! We hiked through the snow to the lagoon and the spillway and saw some ducks and lots of deer tracks. It was really cool b/c of the snow, we could see forever it seemed, into the forest, but no one else was around, and everything was quiet and serene.

I got into my first car accident. With half the streets up here unplowed, sometimes the car just wont stop! The SUV in front of me stopped abruptly at a red light, and i didn't have any chance for traction under my tires. Her car didn't even budge, but mine is fucked! Luckily no one was hurt, but add the car repairs to the ever-growing list of bullshit i have to pay for right now. Good thing I start that second full-time job starting next week?

I made sugar cookies yesterday. This was the first time for this recipe. I think they turned out quite alright! I made stars and trees. I thought I had food coloring, but I didn't so the icing is white, which is fine. Some of the stars were sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar on top, and some of the trees have a red gel glaze decoration on them. I was invited to a party this evening and going to take them to that. We'll see. It's frigid outside, and I kinda just want to stay indoors.

My grade was finally posted on the school website, and I got an A in physics, so that is excellent! I worked my butt off in that class. My presentation on the drag coefficients of swimsuit materials and cuts was excellent, and the time I put into that obviously paid off.

Right now I am not enrolled for next semester, which is disappointing. I am considering putting the tuition on my credit card, but not until a few days before class starts, if there is still a spot available. That way I won't have to pay it off on my card until the end of February.

I still can't work out. I feel like piece of shit. I haven't gained any weight (I'm a Furkin; the genes just won't allow it!), but my arms are noticiably smaller and everything is less tone/hard. I miss cardio the most. I want to run on the treadmill or spin. Get my heart rate up and sweat it out a bit. My booty does have a certain "thwack" to it that wasn't there before. Maybe now the boys will come to the yard?


Current Conditions in Chicago:

air temp - -5F (yeah, that's a "-"sign)
winds - West 25mph
skies - Partly cloudy
facial expression - I am smiling right now.

shitastrophy (shih-TAH-struh-fee)

Current mood:gaseous, windy, farty, tooty...

What I've eaten for lunch and dinner the past 48 hours:

black BEANS.
red BEANS.
kidney BEANS.
split peas.
BROCCOLI.
carrots.
rice.
Italian sausage style seitan.

Turns out, I AM worthy of Jesus’ love.

Current mood: sore

i ate it down the 7 steps of the front stoop last night at 10pm on my way to a house party.

it was totally feet up in the air, tailbone/back breaking my fall, hands cut from scraping the icy concrete, and when i got to the bottom, my feet/legs plowed through the gate.

needless to say, i'm sore as hell right now. its achy all the time, but is only shooting pain when i bend over to pick something up or switch positions lying down.

i'm glad that i decided to not bring that fifth of whisky to the party in a back pack, b/c it would have shattered, and that would have been not just a safety hazard of broken glass gouging into my back, but a damn shame waste of perfectly good whisky.

the party was a lot of fun. i saw a lot of people from out of town and had a good time socializing. i had originally decided to not drink any alcohol (hence opting to leave the whisky at home), but when i arrived, i was immediately offered a beer and immediately accepted offered beer.

as soon as i drank it, i had a feeling similiar to when i was in florida and chris purchased me a beer at 1982. as soon as the alcohol hit my tongue, i felt like all my receptors started screaming, "open up, boys! down the hatch!" it was a sensation like i had been drinking all along and have never stopped; i didn't want to stop. after the first band i ran across the street to purchase my own alcohol for the rest of the evening.

i came back to the party and it burns was setting up. i was very much looking forward to seeing them play! those boys fucking SHREEEEED!! the sound was kinda shitty as it was a house show, but fun none the less. the sass dragons, kevin, aaron, and a few others who knew the songs were up front singing along with me, but most people in attendance (understandibly) did not know the songs.

little carl arrived in time to see the set, and afterwards we hung out for a bit and then i accepted a ride to the mutiny to see hewhocorrupts. ed bought me a beer at the mutiny, and i headed up to the front to watch the ceiling get torn out when the band played. the place was nuts.

my roommate invited me to his church this morning because he was performing some christmas songs at the service. i agreed to go, and this was the first time i have been to church service in a LOOOONG time. like years....at least four.

i arrived about ten minutes early and sat near the back. i felt quite uncomfortable the whole time, but i did enjoy the music. my roommate performed christmas songs along with a full band. there was two guitars, bass, sax, keys, drum kit, and three female backup singers, and one soulful black man on the mic.

there was a guest speaker who gave an excellent sermon. i use the word sermon loosely in this context b/c she mostly spoke about the excitement of the holiday season and discussed the lyrics to the holiday songs that were sung that day. i actually enjoyed her presentation b/c she didn't really preach or call anyone sinners or make [me] feel bad about [myself].

please, friends, don't freak out....i'm not converting or getting born again or anything. i just accepted a invitation from my roommate. he's been trying to introduce me to people and include me in activities, and i decided that i had better accept an invitation before he stops inviting me altogher. i also felt somewhat guilty that i didn't go see him perform at bars other times when he invited me. i figured that today i could spare on hour of my time.

don’t change the channel

Current mood: thankful

surgery was two days ago. finally! i have not enjoyed having it looming out there in my calendar, holding me back with life and other plans i have. i have been doing an excellent job not appearing to be stressed/worried about it by keeping myself occupied with school, work, looking for another job to pay for all this bullshit, and meeting new people and running around this fabulous city!

my doctor was very pleased with how everything was looking. he said that my diet contributed to the procedure being a lot easier than he thought, and the cells hadn't spread as much as he had anticipated.

i am not bleeding today, but there was a freakin' mess yesterday. i am disappointed that i am unable to workout at least until my follow up appointment after the new year, but i feel blessed that i seem to be responding to what the doc is trying to accomplish.

my mom came up to go with me to the appointment. i was so glad she was here. i have missed my family and friends in st. louis so much this fall. i didn't get to go back for thanksgiving, but as of right now, i will be returning for a few days over winter holidays.

my aunt invited me to drive back to dallas with her. i've thought about it. i've also thought about not purchasing a return ticket. i'm kinda worried about the economy. i had to borrow a few hundred from my parents this month. i already know next month will bring the same short-comings.

i lost my glasses on the cta and i had to get new ones. they are purple. i think that look nice in contrast with my blue eyes and dark hair. i need a hair cut. my boy is pretty booked, but i want to wait til a little closer to holidays so it will still be looking good for when i am at home.

physics final is on monday. the semester went by so quickly! i am not enrolled in school for the spring semester, which is discouraging. i'm already behind on my personal timeline, and i would prefer to not miss another semester.

this fall has gone waaaay better than last fall. its night and day. last year i was going to kill myself, and that is the goddamm ugly truth. but winter solstice is only two weeks away. the temp will get much colder, yes, but the darkness is almost maxed out, and then the light! the light!

quitting my job at the dentist office was probably the best move i've made. the immense elephant on my shoulders, stress from that fucking asshole co-worker bullying me everyday for over a year, is lifted and i am more aware now that she is out of my life, how much an adverse effect she had on me. peace of mind is priceless.

i have been making new friends, smiling, cutting jokes, laughing, going to shows, solving the yahoo crossword everyday, keeping my mind occupied.

krissy and i went to memphis and had a good time staying at a sweet hotel with a massive bed with a heavy comforter. we saw graceland and sun studio and beale street and got annoyed with the locals at the show. i counted 42 red-tailed hawks.

also, one of my long time best friends' birthday is tomorrow. we live very far apart now, but we spoke on the phone yesterday and today. the card is in the mail, old friend!

i am smiling right now, thinking of you, old friend, and the time you came to visit me when i had the house in south city and we stayed up late drinking pitchers at the hi pointe. since it is my turn, i promise i will get down to see you before too long, and i will hug you tightly and not let go for a long time!

I am really a 15 year old high school freshman.

Current mood: nostalgic

Leaving work early, I decided to try my luck at buying a ticket to see Twilight tonight on its opening day.

I absolutely loved reading those books, and my panties were in a bunch ever since I saw the first teaser trailer for the movie, like six months ago. This movie was everything I wanted it to be, and so badly acted and painfully awkward and unbelievable it was just perfect! I still have a special lightness to my heart and peaceful smile on my face from my experience in watching this movie just a few hours ago.

I went to a later afternoon show, and the theater was absolutely packed....with teenage girls, and a few parents. No boys in sight, anywhere. But those girls sure had some energy! There was lots of chatter and squealing with anticipation before the previews even started. When the lights dimmed, there was even more premature excitement!

A new Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince trailer was previewed, and the girls were so excited even for that I could hardly hear! Just the sight of Daniel Radcliffe sent them fluttering! I am looking forward to that one as well. It was supposed to come out this holiday season but was pushed back to next summer.

Okay, so after the previews, Twilight starts and the theater is filled with this electricity. I can hear girls all over the place giddy and squirming in their seats. The whole time I was completely suspended in the story line, and I savored every minute of that awkward adolescence love story. The vampires looked awkward and weird and the acting was sub-par. The story was unbelievable to begin with, and people who have not read the books might have felt lost...500+ pages of plot was condensed down to about two hours. The special effects were lame, some of the dialog awkward. The supporting characters in the book were not at all developed in the movie. But it was perfect. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. And there was a way sexy quick make out scene that was pretty tame, but adolescence can be so painfully awkward, and those stories of first love are my favorite, in a way, setting up my adult life for constant disappointment because no one will ever live up to the fantasy that is in my head from reading/watching this kind of crap.

The girls in the theater were so excited the whole time and I transcended, for those two hours, back to the mindset of my teenage self, giddy at attention from cute boys, snickering at thoughts of the still taboo subject of sex, the painful awkwardness of first crushes and high school interactions. I am already looking forward to the sequel!

Swamp Things

Current mood: sore

I have never really liked anyone I met who was from Florida. Everytime I have gone there for a swim meet or for family vacation, the situation has always seemed totally fucked in some way.

But this past Halloween weekend, I decided to give Florida another chance and attend The Fest 7. HOLY SHIT THIS WAS THE BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE!!!!

I was totally amped on Thursday night; I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 4:15AM and was unable to fall back asleep. I had to go into work at 8:15 b/c we had four wisdom teeth to take out on one guy. I had difficulty focusing during the entire procedure, and it seemed to drag on forever. And these teeth were not wanting to come out. The roots were curved and they were really clinging on tight!

But we finally got them out and I ran outta there and took the orange to midway. Southwest is great. I slept the whole way to Jacksonville and missed the drink cart, so I was way thirsty when the plane landed.

I went to Enterprise and got a nice Kia Spectra that my sister reserved for me with her employee discount, picked up a road map, and headed to Gainesville. The drive was a little long, but traffic wasn't bad. Florida is incredibly flat.

I rolled into town and had no problem finding the hotel; there were people everywhere. The line for registration was down the hall, down the stairs, snaked through the lobby, and out the door. So I waited. Took a little less than an hour to get my pass and booklet. The time was about 8:00pm and I decided to forgo getting food or drink and hit up some shows.

I walked toward 1982 and went on in just as (1) former humans were finishing up. (2)A.N.S. was on next, and I was anxious to see them. I ran into my former roommate Ron, who I had to double take b/c he was incognito in his halloween glasses, fake nose, and moustache. I was slightly disappointed with the A.N.S. set. The vocals weren't strong in the mix, and the riffs were rough, but the place went nuts and the pit was brutal. People were up on stage, the guitarist was surfing and playing at the same time (so the rough riffs are forgiven!), the lighting rig was knocked down, total chaos. Good show!

I said goodbye to Ron and walked to Kickstand. Holy shit was a fucking awesome place that was! It was a large barn-like structure with a huge gravel lot in the back with all kinds of buses and vans parked, and the inside was a DIY bike shop with a stage in the corner and lights strung up and around a chandelier made of old bike tires and spokes. I saw lots of people at Kickstand, including Jay Insult, Nato, Danny, and Mikey Erg, and was able to get there in time to see (3)Cheeky's entire set. Holy shit! I think they are my new favorite. Their set was phenomenal. I loved the songs; those little girls can fucking play!

(4)Screaming Females played next. I was really looking forward to their set, and it was good, but the other two times I saw them this past summer were much better performances. The little girl on guitars and vocals was a bit off on this night perhaps. But still good stuff. I like that all three times I've seen them recently, they had a different setlist.

By this time in the night, I had not eaten all day, and I was quite dehydrated. I got in touch with Nate X to see about meeting up with him to get a key to the hotel room I was supposed to sleep in with eight other people. He was at another venue, so I went there and caught the last half of (5)Less Than Jake. The venue was called The Venue, and its cap was listed as 1700. It was huge inside, and people were going freaking nuts! One fester even climbed atop the speakers and jumped! I met up with Nate and decided to pass on Bouncing Souls, even though their set was supposed to be only the songs from the first two albums, which would have been so awesome. I got the room key and headed toward the hotel. I passed Ron and Josh, who was incredibly intoxicated, out on the street. My head was throbbing and I was nauseous with a migraine from lack of food and cold sweats from low blood sugar. Three Hare Krishna women were out in the street with vegan meals they were anxious to serve up for free to festers, so I had two plates and felt better within a half hour! Those meals were the only thing I ate all day and were incredibly satisfying and nutritious. All kinds of people passing by on the street were getting down on it.

Woke up on Saturday and went to the No Idea BBQ. They were serving up BBQ Tempeh and rice and beans. I passed on the merch b/c I'm not a collector and don't buy a lot of records or shirts. After I had my fill of BBQ, I went back to the hotel and sunned myself by the pool. The sky was a gorgeous blue, cloudless, slight breeze. A lot of people were socializing on the deck. Most of the boys who got into the pool didn't have trunks, just underwear, and since I am somewhat of a pervert, I enjoyed watching them saunter over, dip their toe in, and then CAAAAAANONBALL!!!!!! Joe Bruiser came out and was so cute with his little swim trunks and he did a little belly flop into the deep end.

The first show I went to on Saturday was (6)The Measure at common ground. I thought they were excellent. Fid is entertaining to watch perform and he commands his guitar well. I really like Lauren's vocals, and people seemed to be into their set. I headed to kickstand next to see (7)The New Funerals, who were three awesomely fun girls who played really fun catchy songs really well. (8)Delay was up next, and I was very much looking forward to their set! I thought their set was perfect. I know they felt it started off a little rough, but they began with Say Ave, then Watertowers, Everything You Hate. Then a new song!! Then I heard the opening riff to Lightning Storm and I fucking love that song!! I was so glad they played it! Then of course Jumpstart My Heart. There were a lot of people for their set and lots of dancing and singing along and sweating.

After Delay I high-tailed it to the Atlantic b/c I really wanted to see (9)No Trigger. Cloak/Dagger was right before them, and I had hoped to catch at least half of their set, but the Atlantic was running ahead of schedule apparently. Luckily, No Trigger had not started yet. There was not a lot of people there for them, which kind of surprised me. I was slightly worried, too, b/c I know they haven't played a show in six months and are busy doing other stuff with other bands. They opened with Tundra Kids, and it was performed at about half the tempo of the released version, which was a bit off-putting. But after that, they fell into place nicely and even played a new song. The mosh was good and friendly. I hung back a little bit, singing along to all the songs and dancing in my space until they played More To Offer. Then I charged through all those boys right up to the front and I GOT THAT MIC!!!

After No Trigger, I was ready for a break. I went across the street to a restaurant called The Top, which was recommend in the Fest handbook. It was a nice, quite, sit down place that was very soothing from the loud clubs I had been inside of all afternoon. I got a very satisfying black bean burger and sweet potato fries. I decided to treat myself to a piece of delicious vegan chocolate cake as well. I ate half of it and took the other half back to the hotel. I met Nate back in the room and relaxed for about half hour before heading out to the nightime shows.

Saturday night started off the (10) None More Black at the venue. That place was incredibly crowded and I was in the back only able to hear and not see the stage. But the songs were tight. From there I went to 1982 and saw (11) Antlers. I actually liked them. Their set was entirely instrumental, and their appearance and draw was somewhat more hippy-ish than I usually prefer, but I enjoyed their performance. It was heavy and loud. (12)Watson played next. I thought they would be better, especially from the write up in the guidebook. I think what bothered me the most of their set was the mix. The vocals were too low, and sometimes the singer didn't even put his mouth up to the mic. A lot of people flooded in for (13) Queerwolf, and their write up in the book was very promising. The club was running about ten minutes ahead of schedule, and after they had played ten minutes, I wanted them to be finished, but they continuted to play for another twenty. And they were ridiculously drunk and the on-stage banter didn't flow and was not funny. I didn't care for their sound, but people watching were all about it, moshing and singing. I just didn't get it, I guess.

Chris talked me into drinking a beer, so I indulged! I was really not sure what to expect from (14) Dear Landlord, who were up next and the reason I was at the club in the first place, b/c I know they hadn't played any shows in a while and I didn't know how tight the songs were going to be. But they delivered! People were going crazy for their set, too! The mosh was intense but fun. Their set was loud, fast, tight, and to the point.

After Dear Landlord, we rushed over to Market Street Pub, where the line stretched down the block. We waited and waited and luckily got in to see the end of (15) Polar Bear Club and (16) Flatliners. I drank another beer at Market Street Pub on the recommendation of Chris, who has that power over people, it seems! We sat up on the second level on some huge couches. Ran into Brett and Funberg, who was still dressed in his sexy nurse Halloween costume. He went all out for it...red legging, stethoscope, white fro wig, and nurse hat. He let me feel him in under his skirt as well! HA!!

Nate, Chris, and I staked about spots on the floor for (17) Copyrights. Holy shit what a set that was!! The whole place went nuts! The mosh was hard but fun. I was so sweaty! Jumping around with Nate as well as east coast people, singing along to all the songs until I was hoarse. Funberg played in just the red stockings, and Fletcher took his shirt off as well. They opened with 57 North, then played Holidays, Kids of the Black Hole, Charlie Birger Time, Thinking with the Lights On, Headcount, Four Eyes, She Turns It Up, Shit's Fucked, Planet Earth 1994, and closed with Weapons of Math Destruction. I wanted it to last longer. It was really good. Chris and I left together, and were SO AMPED when we got out to the street. We ran into Aaron Rushmore and Kate, who had gone to see Pretty Boy Thorson. Aaron looked like he had been hit by a truck and Kate had a black eye. We loitered around on the corner while Aaron fixed his glasses and tried to find a house party. Ended up going back to the hotel and crashing. I was exhausted! Saturday was fun!

On Sunday, I went to The Atlantic b/c I wanted to see Used Kids, Dan Padilla, and Vena Cava. A little nazi with un-ironic badly teased 80s hair and cystic acne said he couldn't let me in without a red fest wristband even though I had 13 other club bands on my wrist. I told him that my red fest wrist band was somewhere on the floor at Market Street Pub, which was true. He told me to go to No Idea HQ and get a new one.

So I walked to No Idea HQ. Toys That Kill were chilling out in the shade under a tree in their van. I said hello and knocked on the HQ door. Cam came out and was very polite and pleasant and sent me back to the hotel to get another band. (Apparently a lot of people had this problem and were told to go to HQ before being directed back to the hotel). Saw Dan Yemin in the elevator foyer while waiting for the new wrist band. I have had a serious crush on him for a seriously long time. The dude is just perfect. And intense.

Got another band, but had missed Used Kids and Dan Padilla, so I decided to go to common ground, were a BBQ was being hosted in the parking lot. I got a tempeh sandwich and decided to duck into 1982 to see (18) The Unloveables. Their set was way poppy and way fun. The crowd seemed to like them, but not a lot of dancing or singing along. Mainly just bopping. I was amazed at how muscular Frank's arms were. And apparently he had been poolside earlier in the day. I regret passing on sunning myself that morning. HAHA!

After the Unloves I went to The Venue to see (19) The Arrivals. The bass was turned up way too loud and not enough guitars. They seemed to be just getting through the songs, and people in the front were singing along, but not a lot of action. Next was (20) Off With Their Heads. I had been looking forward to their set. And they delivered. I personally find Ryan hilarious. They were loud and tight. Banter was good. They kept everyone on their toes by mixing up the guitar solos and some of the breakdowns. The mosh was brutal. I was fighting the whole time I was singing along.

(21)Toys That Kill are one of my favorite bands, and I was very much excited to see them. I thought they sounded great! No too much movement up front. I was surprised more people weren't in to them, especially since they haven't put anything out in a while so its not like there wasn't opportunity to know the songs. But I sang along, and I saw others singing as well.

After Toys That Kill, I staked out a spot front row center and waited.(22-23)THE ERGS! were up next. OH MY GOD!! They played a double set, 40 minutes each. Holy shit! The place went nuts. People were pressing so hard, I actually ended up sitting on the stage with my knees wedged into some girl's twat next to me. Dives left and right, the bouncers were busy pulling people away, a gator was flying around the pit. I sang all the songs best I could in that awkward position, and it was so much fun. They played Introducing Morrissey, Every Romance Language, Stinking of Whisky Blues, Jazz Is Like the New Coke, Bike Shoppe and Girls of the Market Square (I was glad Jeff sang, too), Blue, Kinda Like Smitten, Your Cheated Heart, The Clocks The Clocks, See Him Again, Things I Could Never Find A Way To Say (I think), and I'm not too sure what else. They closed with Books About Miles Davis, and Mikey stayed out at the mic, and Lemuria took the drum kit, and Paddy came out as well and gave Mikey a hug.

For the second set, they played Dork Rock in its entirety. It was amazing. I decided to go get some water and ended up standing on some steps halfway to the back, which was a nice break. I could still see over everyone and sang along and danced on the spot with people around me. The place went nuts again. They closed with Descendents covers.

I passed on Leatherface and bought a limited edition final Ergs' vinyl "That's it...bye!" from Jay and Fid who were monitoring the merch table. Chris and I went to Common Ground for Drag the River but ended up leaving before that set started to get some pizza and then a liquor store that hadn't sold out of Sparks!

I flew back to Chicago on Monday. I haven't cut off my wristbands yet b/c I am not ready to give up Florida. This weekend was the most fun I've had in a long time. 2008 has been a good year for me; I've gone on a lot of fun trips and seen a lot of good bands and caught up with old friends and made new ones. I am still totally sore and I have bruises everywhere, but it was all totally worth it. Now I understand when people say The Fest is "Everyone's Favorite Holiday!"

Untitled Prose

Current mood:enjoying a day off

The doctor told her it was important to have a reason to live. How ironic, she thought, that for all the years she silently suffered, praying for an out, and here was her answer; now that it was staring her in the face, she didn't want to go. Actually, that's not true. She was numb and unsure and in shock of what she had just heard. She remembered when she learned of her friend and co worker Brad's untimely death, his badly burned body found in his car in a ditch a few blocks from her house. The last time she saw him was when his band played a show at a nearby club. She felt a migraine coming on and left early that night, giving him a hug and smiling sentiments of a good show before departing. She smiled now knowing that she was kind to him the last time she saw him alive. But she would have gladly switched places with him. She felt guilty for feeling so depressed for so many years, never content with where she was in her life. Working a menial job, but for how long? Not taking action to get to a place of more opportunity. Crying at night, alone in her bed, out of desperation for companionship but during daylight hours pushing everyone away and letting no one in. Staring at her horrific pale complexion in the mirror under florescent lights in the bathroom, praying for the guts to dig the blade into her flesh. Pedaling with traffic on the bike home from work, wondering when she would finally get taken out by a driver gabbing on his cell phone already. Please?

She went to visit her parents for an extended weekend and smiled like everything was okay. She took the dog for long walks to the park and her smile reached her eyes when the dog would sit on the floorboards to feel the cool air from the vents, his pink tongue hanging long out the side of his mouth. High school kids ditching class smoked cigarettes under the pavillion. She walked uptown at dusk with her sister to buy snowcones. Frog in a Blender was always the flavor of choice. Cherry and Green Apple. The air was thick with humidity and the syrup dribbled down the sides of the cup. She sat in the kitchen sprinkling cinnamon over blueberry pancakes made from scratch, laughing with her brother and his stories of the new house he and his friends were renting and how they found out their first night there the place was haunted. She rode her dad's bike out to the levee and counted fifteen red wing blackbirds, six woodpeckers, twenty-three white wading birds, and one blue heron. One Thanksgiving many years before, she saw two wild turkeys. The bottoms along the levee were in hot debate. Developers wanted to put in a large complex of home improvement stores and strip mall shops. Politicians wanted to keep tax dollars in their community and perks from the contractors in their pockets. Residents were torn between the convienence of all-in-one shopping superstores and yearn to keep their small town mom-and-pop feel of the Main Street business district.

She went through her photo albums of friends and old journals and portfolios that were stashed away in the basement storage space. She smiled with friends from swim team standing by giant catci in Phoenix when they went there for holiday training. They hiked up Camelback Mountain twice during their week-long stay. There was also a picture of her in her favorite blue suit, out-of-breath, estastic, hugging her coach the first time she qualified for nationals at the age of 15. Her little brother wearing a chesire cat grin, revealing braces on bucked front teeth, a spider monkey on his shoulder when the family went a tropical trip. There was a picture from a few Halloweens back. She had dressed up like a devil and stood smiling with other bar patrons doning various costumes, some creative, some run-of-the-mill store bought. Her friend Karen and her, cheeks flushed sweaty hair plastered to their foreheads, eating onion rings and oozy cheese steak sandwiches at a little dive in Philly after a concert. Cute sweaty east coast boys they met at the show let them ride on their handlebars, pedaling at high speeds down narrow cobblestone streets, weaving in and out of bar rush traffic. Pictures of her sister's college graduation, brother's confirmation, old friends and new friends at parties. Landscapes of wildflowers, purple yellow and white, that lined the run-off ditches of the crowned rural routes interweaving the corn fields. Baby turtles, shells soft, basking in the sun atop smooth distorted driftwood that washed ashore in the summer floods. They sky at twilight, exploding pink and orange, silouetting the railroad gates and tagged boxcars at the train yard. Even some time lapse of the sky at night, the stars burning white lines in the film when she left the shutter open to capture a lunar eclipse. She enjoyed viewing the sky a night. The city had too much light for visible stars and only an occassional sighting of Venus. Out in the country the canopy was dotted with thousands of little white lights, and she remembered as a young girl, finding The Big Dipper and The Little Dipper while running around the yard with other kids from the neighborhood, catching fireflies while adults sat around a bonfire grilling, drinking, laughing.

She had goals. Career goals, financial goals, adventure goals. She had moved to a bigger city of more opportunity and new experiences, working full time in a field that impassioned her and enrolled in classes at night to further her education to take her to the next step. School was enjoyable and the subjects stimulated her mind. She smiled when she thought about owning her own practice and setting her own hours and being in a position to help others and improve their health. She wanted to pedal her bike on an extended tour from Pacific to Atlantic during the summer with an intimate group of riders, viewing majestic snow-capped mountains, swimming in cold deep lakes, smelling dry dessert sage, and taking turns preparing dinners of locally grown produce while camping on the outskirts of small towns dotting roads less traveled. She wanted to raft the entire Grand Canyon, complete an Iron woMan TriAthlon, go everywhere and see everything and keep a photoalbum in her head of her laughing with other daring dedicated souls who shared her passion for adventure.

The doctor told her from the biopsy, the strain did not appear overly-aggressive, and she could take some time for reflection before deciding which treatment to undergo, if at all. She would lose all her hair, that was certain. She might not be able to have children. There was a chance her face would become bloated and her body would pile on weight. An equal chance was that the drugs would make her wretch constantly and her lean muscles would turn flaccid and her face gaunt. Odds that she would fully recover, odds that the malignant cells wouldn't respond at all. But the odds didn't matter. There was still too much living to do. Her competitive spirit kicked in, and the decision was already made. She knew she was going to kick this motherfucker cancer's ass.

stop watching me "doin’ it!" (pt. II)

Current mood:in denial.

a year since i leanered of my freind and co-worker's sudden death via auto accident, and i still think that shit is totally jacked. he still has a page on here, and friends leave comments, and he smiles back in his photos like he has never been gone.

the last time i saw him, i was leaving a show, and i gave him a hug and my smile reached my eyes.

The Eighth Month

Current mood: stoked

summer in chicago is awesome. august officially ripped!

aug 1 - aug 6th: lots of swimming with j.misfit on the guest pass. many pancakes, homemade pizza with teese cheese, and hommus was consumed. also got down on some serious indian buffet. first time indulging in that type of cuisine and anxious to hit it up again.

aug 6th - walking across the street, in the crosswalk, almost got hit by a crazy girl in a bmw. some guy in minivan, up on two wheels, eating pizza and driving at the same time, hollering out the driver's side window pointing with his pizza. "you fucked up!" points to me and my friend. "no you two are cool. she fucked up!" then yells "you fucked up!" again at the girl and stares her down while he completes his turn.

blitz road trip to milwaukee for a house party/basement show. people in milwaukee seemed cool. said hello to people i knew from around in carbondale who have since relocated north, had a fun time catching up with east coast friends, but mostly socialized with milwaukee people i didn't know.

bands i saw in the basement included used kids, sex advice, hunchback and ergs! lots of dancing with cute sweaty east coast boys (again!). much beer was spilled, and even more was consumed.

hit up pizza shuttle, a photo booth, and a nap at a truck stop on the way back to chicago. grateful i had the forsight to arrange not having to go in to work the next day.

aug 7th - mauled by tigers fest kick off basement show at peopleprojects. highlight sets include leftie loosie, hunchback, used kids, and ergs! again more singing along and dancing with cute sweaty east coast boys!

also ran into a boy who was selling books for microcosm. he looked so familiar to me but i couldn't place him, so i went to talk to him. as soon as he told me he was from bloomington, indiana, i immediately recognized him as a member of a band called jerk alert i saw at a house party back in december and established myself as some crazy girl who would remember something so miniscule from such a while ago. he introduced himself as steven and made me want to divert my eyes and bite my lower lip.

i hit up the merch table and bought two t-shirts, got some pins, stickers, and an ergs! koozy. i orinigally bought the very last one...neon green. but i ended up trading mike hunchback for his camo one.

after the show, i headed up to the alley with j hunchback and paddy was there with a liter of canada dry. i approached him and said surely that's not all that's in there! he replied of course not and handed it to me. j and i ran into a boy named danny! who said i was attractive and should go try to bum some cigarettes off of some of the boys who were standing around in the alley. i thought this dude must be wasted b/c hardly anyone ever tells me i'm attractive. but i got some cigarettes and the three of us stood around telling jokes and laughing and really hitting it off. danny and i traded info before j and i left to meet up with the misfit, nato, and (a different) danny at arturo's for some serious burritos.

after burritos i drove j to johnny's house on north ave and said goodnight and headed home. finally went to bed at 530am.

fri 8-8-08 woke up for work at 725am. went to the beat kitchen to see black rainbow, chinese telephones, and screaming females. holy shit! i think they might be my new favorite band. they totally turned it up and that little girl can fucking shreeeeed! i bought one of the one-of-a-kind posters. i left before the arrivals played because i was exhausted. steven was there selling books again. i said hello and we talked briefly.

sat 8-9-09 tattoooooooooooos! shit is done filled in, fool!

8/10 went to ronny's for more mauled by tigers. bands i saw included sex advice and conniption fits. i don't know the names of the other two i saw. i left before das kapital b/c a migraine was coming on. before the show, i sat at the bar with nato and watched the swimming trials.

8/10 - 8/14 stayed up way too late to watch olympic coverage. i am still AMPED from the swimming competition! those images of jason lezak running down the french anchoring that relay will forever be ingrained in my mind, not to mention to sheer exhiliration on everyone's faces that results in such an upset! i cannot believe the amount of water he was moving from the underwater footage. phelps is swimming amazing, rebecca soni stepped it up balls out in that 200 breaststroke, natalie coughlin repeated gold in the 100m back, and ryan lochte wins his first individual gold in 200m back and makes my heart beat faster!

friday 8/15 - took midnight bus to stl, mom came and picked me up. slept upstairs in my bro's room with weinus dog. holy shit, who did i not see on this trip?

sat 8/16 - went to karen's house in south city for her 30th birthday. everybody was having a good time, everybody was getting wasted! she had purchased an entire 60lb. pig at soulard and had it spinning slowly on a giant skewer. also on hand was a veg grill, vegan side dishes, desserts in the form of cupcakes iced like little pigs! a keg of bud and a kiddie pool full of soda and water. i saw lots of people i swam with in high school who i hadn't seen since then. there was washers and octo-bong, which unfortunately didn't see any action.

this is karen by the gus' pretzels:

laurie made some cupcakes shaped like pigs!

my sis and i left the party around 815pm and i went to off broadway to attend a free show sponsored by pbr and featuring clownelvis, burlesque marionettes and fire-breathers. also the livers, humanoids, and trip daddys. i saw krissy, pat, lew, gabe, darren, ron and angie, jimmy j, whipfler. oh my god! i ran into truesdale. i'm glad that kid is alive. i ran across the parking lot and gave him a giant hug. he was rolling around in a new cheese-mobile, looking full time scumbag, over time hustla!

i rather enjoyed off broadway. the ceiling was high, the place was clean, but not without character. oh, and smoking is not allowed indoors there. they also had rigged a little (i'm talking maybe twelve inches), black and white tv with rabbit ear attenae tuned to nbc for the olymipc broadcast. i watched the final phelps relay with a few other people! i was confident of the americans in that relay, but it was still fun to see him reach the eight golds in a single games!

one complaint....there were A LOT of dumbass boys acting like idiots at the show. i bet those bastards think that leatherface is ONLY some scary guy from the movies!

after the set, i took a poster from the wall and hit up the merch booth for a humanoids t-shirt. its crazy bright yellow and needs to spin in the dryer once to shrink a little. but i am reppin' that shit hard. also got a huge hug from clarkson sr. he is looking good! like he's working out. he said he hadn't been, but his arms looked really defined. maybe its all the running around by the stage and throwing of beers.

here's some pics from that show:

dave eating gabe's polar bear cub shirt:

holy shit! this dude was passed out at off broadway and was drooling:

krissy and me at the end of the night (gabe double-fisting on the right!):

clarkson (sr.) looking good! (X2) (clarkson jr. is cute, too!):

sunday 8/17 - went to brunch with my sis and dad. got a delicious and satisfying veggie/hommus wrap and enjoyed their company. rather uneventful return to chicago that afternoon.

wed 8/20 - enrolled in school after a math pre-req scare. luckily my transcripts from siu came through and i was allowed in! start physics on monday! i am excited.

thurs 8/21 - actual email b/n my sister and me:

yeah it was pretty funny! our main concern wasn't whose it was. she just wanted to know how much was in it---that little 10 pound dog can't eat a ton of weed and expect to live. but i guess there wasn't much in it...he survived.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: SQZ
Date: Aug 20, 2008 10:46 PM


oh my god!!!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sally
Date: Aug 20, 2008 10:17 PM


mom found him eating a baggy of weed. haha. she was yelling at scott and his friends at like 645 in the morning and it seems that it was no one's weed and no one knew where it came from. shorty was straight chillin for an entire 24 hours! you should've seen him on the couch this day! mom went in the basement and confiscated three pipes she found in drawers later in the day when they weren't home. she also found condoms in the drawer. scott is bad. :)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: SQZ
Date: Aug 19, 2008 10:22 PM


how did the dog get high?

----------------------------------------------------------------

post script about this email: no one overdoses on weed, i.e. no one would have a heart attack or respitory failure from thc, they would just get stoned as fuck and probably freak out! besides, the thc won't activate unless its heated, i.e. smoked or baked into treats.

i think its hilarious that the dog ate an entire bag, though. i remember when our little poodle dog (r.i.p.) got drunk at our grandparents' house in k.c.!

this is what i imagine the dog would look like if he was high (and my sister was, too! HA!)

fri 8/22 - good day at work. came home and decided to treat myself to alice and friends for dinner. went down to thorndale and got some spicy asian cuisine and a very rich piece of chocolate cake.

krissy called when her and pat got out of the weasel show. we met up at deliliah's where the two of them were playing switch-a-roo. krissy was *WASTED* on jameson and pat was rather sober. the bar was way crowded but we found some standing room upstairs and then downstairs by the windows. had a few rounds, great conversation, and amdired the elvis artwork before heading out.

stopped at some obnoxious frat bar to pee and have another round on the walk to the train. when we walked in the door, that oasis song "wonderwall" was playing, and people were dancing hard to it, dudes were playing air guitar, and girls were passionatly singing the lyrics with their eyes closed. lame. pat was joking with us about some guy standing next to us who was trying to steal our hearts. and he told us to be careful when krissy brushed my hair back and stroked my cheek b/c these were the kinds of dudes that would get riled up about an exchange like that b/n two girls! ha!

here's a pic of krissy and pat on the curb outside of deliliah's:

mon 8/25 - "no job?! no prob!!"

was able to rent a van for moving this weekend. mom and dad are coming to help me. the first time they've been up here since i moved eighteen months ago. has it really been that long?

physics class started. fucking sweet. my mind was blown after twenty minutes! i am very much looking forward to learning more! i love school!

thurs 8/28 - all my stuff is packed up. including dishes/kitchen stuff. i went out to get some food (surprise surprise i chose veg chili!). on the walk back home, some kids had soaped the fountains in the sqaure at orrington. there were suds everywhere! and the bubbles kept growing because of the intensity of the water shooting out of the fountain. hilarious!

fri 8/29 - dad came into town with a truck. we went out to get food and rested up for the move on sat.

sat 8/30 - moved ALL day. got back to STL at 815pm, moved everything into the house. went to a hoosier pool party with my sister. this house was bitchin'. the pool was heated and i was so comfortable in the water i could have passed out in it! i did some caaaaanonballs off the diving board, floated in a tube, met some people from K3. here's some pictures:

i wanted my sister to take my picture by the waterfall. this dude came over and grabbed me. his name is mark and he was in the navy and stationed up in great lakes and then san diego. but now lives in jeffco! HA!

then i decided to open my eyes:

my sister and i got sucked into the wallerfall. her hair got wet, and some "little assholes" who were splashing the girls almost died. HAHA!

sun 8/31: grilled out at the homestead with the fam and my bro's girl lauren.

i am a master of the grill! (two of these things are not like the other (note: veggie patties reppin' up on foil!))

then we played a bunch of games as a family. it was a a FURKIN RIOT!!

actual voicemail i received:

"i don't know if you know this, but mark spitz, that olympic swimmer from the 70s, who phelps is trying to break his record...he had a moustache. i guess swimming and moustaches go hand in hand."

actual picture i googled and downloaded after hearing aforementioned voicemail:

sex is not an official olympic sport, but "put one of these on, and all wieners could be winners!" hahahahahaha!

also, i think some of these lolcats are hilarious:

SQZ IS ROLLIN'!

where has my little jay bird gone?

Current mood: nostalgic

I was curious about him in the worst way since the first time I saw him walk onto the sound stage, take his seat, and start working the word jumble in the school paper while waiting for roll call to complete. I admired him from afar the whole three weeks of that summer session, never speaking with him one on one, but always speaking up/offering feedback on the projects he turned in for class.

On the last day of that quick summer session, some of the cinema seniors hosted a house party. I showed up with a case of PBR and ran into Danny in the kitchen. He smiled at me and his eyes were blue like oceans; I got lost and my heart began to sing. He knew my name from class and I his. He complimented me on my final film project that I screened earlier that day. We went out to the porch together and shared the beer and sang along to the Smoking Popes CD that was playing from the living room.

I wanted to explode. He was perfect. My type precisely, exactly, explicitly. He was just finishing up his freshman year, and I was finishing my junior. Two years--the ideal age gap...check. Slender build with muscle tone...check. Impeccable taste in pop/punk music...check. The perfect effort put into not caring what he looks like...check. Road bike...fervent dislike of cats...a taste for cheap beer...a love for German Expressionism...check! check! check! check!!! AND this guy is into ME?! Checkmate.

For whatever reason, that night Danny and I were separated before we had a chance to exchange info. I didn't see him again for many months. When fall semester started, we were not in any of the same classes, and I never saw him around campus. I utilized the "people finder" function on the school website, but his info was not listed. I felt compelled to find this person who had impacted me so greatly.

I finally saw him in October at a show at a local club. He was not enrolled in school that semester but working and going back home a lot to help his dad on the family farm after his mom passed at the end of summer.

He said he was glad to see me again and I returned the sentiment. The show was high energy and I felt elated with friends who were in attendance. Danny and I danced up front and sang along with the songs. We alternated rounds Old Style longnecks with shots of Jameson. I invited him to come home with me, and we held hands on the walk that seemed to take much too long. We stayed up in my kitchen drinking beer, heading out onto the deck to smoke in the cool autumn night and steal quick soft kisses as we leaned over the railing ashing our cigarettes, laughing with the intoxication of each other's company.

We stayed up in my room, sitting naked by the window, exhaling our smoke through the screen, laughing at the other drunk students on the street below stumbling back to the dorms, kissing on the mouth, slender necks, round shoulders, soft stomachs, and shaking legs.

The alarm jolted me awake much sooner than would have been preferred. Danny was passed out next to me in my bed, his legs peeking out under the sheets, his long eyelashes gently brushing the pillowcase. I didn't want to wake him, so I left a quick note and headed to work, smiling and radiant with intense joy.

The day was rather dreary. Misty, foggy, a familiar sinus-clogging thickness to the air. And of course my heart couldn't shake Danny out of my brain and quitting time couldn't come soon enough.

I stopped at the liquor store on the way home to buy a pack of Pall Mall in the blue box and a Silver Bullet. Rain started to fall steady the final few blocks walk. Cold and wet, I entered the foyer and my heart leapt into my throat. Danny was sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, listening to Singles Going Steady, waiting for me to return.

My heart wanted to explode. I kicked off my shoes and ran over to the couch, peeling clinging clothes off wet skin. Smiling, laughing, cheerful Danny opened the blanket and I collapsed into his outstretched arms, breathing in the sweetness of the scented tobacco that had infiltrated his hair, and we lay there embraced on the couch, his body heat warming not only my rain soaked skin, but my lonely soul.

I would go to Danny's house after class and take a nap on his belly while he watched Godard on VHS tapes. He accompanied me to house parties where we dressed up for silly themes and played silly games like charades and kissed each other in the bathroom while the line stretched impatiently down the hall. We would stay up late in my kitchen, baking cookies from scratch at two a.m. on a Tuesday just because and he always made me laugh by attempting to roll out one huge cookie that ended up too burned on the edges and too soggy near the middle.

I was the last one to find out. I was banned from the Cellar; maybe that was why he took her there. Upon learning he would be one credit short of graduating in the spring, a classmate, Ross, asked me to accompany him out for a talk and some distraction. He wanted to go the the Cellar for the Bloody Marys, and I, needing a break to recharge from my thesis, agreed to to take a chance getting in. As Ross and I descended the stairs, a mutual friend rushed over and told me I should leave.

I still wonder if Emily inspired Danny, or if he whispered to her the same words he whispered to me when we were curled up under the sheets on winter mornings, snow falling silently against the sill, icy drafts smiting our warm flesh when we cracked the window to exhale, words that both terrified me but that my heart had been longing to hear for twenty some-odd years.

Did he take picutres of her while she slept peacefully, knowing he was arms-length away? Did they sit outside in the beer garden sharing pitchers on gorgeous spring days with dogwood blooms bursting, her legs propped up on his lap, his hands lazily stroking her ankels? Did her heart swell and paint pictures in her head of the two of them sharing a life together when she breathed in his scent left behind on her pillow?

I still wonder if Danny told Melissa that she impassioned him. Did her smile reach her ears when she returned home alone to find reminders of him stuck in the folds of her clothing, little red fuzzballs of fleece from the blanket on his bed? Did he take her hiking on the nearby trails and brush her hair behind her ear when they stopped for picnic lunch in a meadow exploding with pink cone-flowers, white queen anne's lace, yellow daisies, and purple phlox? Did they make plans to take week long road trips out west and pose with tumbleweeds, navigate dunes of white sand as the sunset exploded orange and pink, stay in dicey motels for $19.95 a night and giggle intertwined under the sheets in a different timezone?

Danny called twice that summer. Conversation was difficult when a rebound now lay beside me in my bed, pawing at what seemed like the only two redeeming qualities of my body. But new lips didn't kindle my soul and different hands never electrified the tiny hairs on my neck. I knew that my time in this town had come to an end.

post script: between my return to st. louis and the upcoming move, i found this among other entries in various journals for screenwriting class or my own personal use. The names have been changed but most is based on some one with whom i was very close and who was very important to me up until the time i left carbondale in 2003. i would like to post more as time allows. school starts next week, and transcribing and editing the handwritten journal entries is tedious but makes good reading material on the train if eyes aren't prying.

p.s.s.: i am smiling right now.

why you gotta be droppin’ g-bombs on me?

Current mood:six in a row, baby! wed-mon!

i love a good puke story; this one doesn't even involve alcohol.

last summer i went out on a few dates with a boy who i met playing kickball and getting down on some temptation cones at foster beach. He actually seemed like he would have been quite a catch. i thought he was cute...slender with muscle tone, glasses, tattoos, listened to good music, into riding bikes, well-read but not pretentious, steady job and college educated but not a stiff shirt.

we went out quite many times. he was always very nice to me and asked me questions but also contributed to the conversation.

we went to the movies twice. once to see ratatouille and another time he took me to alice and friends before we went to see the ten. the third time we hung out just us he came over to my house and we made pizza, and then i schooled him in scrabble before we turned the tv on to watch shark week. we sat by each other on my little black couch, staring straight ahead at the tv, watching never-before-seen footage of great whites jumping completely out of the water to catch some seals, awkwardly letting our arms or legs brush against each other, but neither daring to make a move. when he left, i walked him down to the front door and we gave each other a hug and smiled.

he sent me an email the next day saying that the past week hanging out with me was one of the best in a while for him; i was excited, too. i made up my mind that the next time we hung out, if he didn't make a move, i would be the one to act.

we had made plans to go get some food way south at a mexican place. i was supposed to meet him at his house when he got home from work. i went to the gym beforehand, showered there, and then drove to his house. he called me because he had a flat tire and was late getting home. i had gone to a park and watched a few innings of an adult softball league. i didn't mind that he was late, these things happen, but i was starving because i didn't eat before i went to the gym and then had to deal with the post-workout famine.

he finally called me that he replaced his tire and was home but needed to shower and stuff. again, i didn't mind. the day was hot and humid and he had just biked home in rush hour and had to deal with a busted tube.

after much delay, we got to the place and i was so ravenous that when the waitress brought out a bowl of carrots seeped in jalapenos, i started downing these carrots like they were chips. my stomach was empty, and i put those carrots away! the food was delivered, we ate our plates and both of felt very satiated.

we get in the car to head home and my stomach started to tumble. i knew it was those fire-hot carrots screaming to get outta there! problem was we were in his car, on the highway! i started to get really hot and sweaty and shake a little bit. i knew i was going to start heaving soon. i closed my eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths.

we made it back to his house and parked the car on the street just as i opened the passenger side and threw up all over the curb. but i knew it wasn't over yet. we RAN back to his house, up the back stairs, and into the bathroom where i puked everywhere two more times.

i was shaking as i laid my sweaty forehead against the cool soothing tiles of the floor. i'm sure it was absolutely hilarious, and i don't blame him for laughing at me a little bit.

after i threw up all the food i ate and then finally the firy carrots, my body was calm again and i went home.

i was disappointed because i was ready to kiss this boy on this day but my mouth tasted like puke. he didn't call me back after and we didn't see each until several months later when i asked him if he wanted to meet me for lunch.

i arrived first and he called me to tell me he was going to be a little late because he got into a fender bender with a city bus and was waiting for that to be resolved. i ordered a pint at the bar and waited.

when he arrived, we got a table and ordered food. the conversation went really well and we both laughed and smiled a lot. i mentioned that i was going to st. louis in a few weeks to see my friends and family for my birthday. then he mentioned that he had plans to go to st. louis that winter as well, with his girlfriend to meet her family.

i was floored. that was the last thing i was expecting to come out of his mouth.

the moment that g-bomb was dropped, i maintained a calm demeanor, but my brain was reeling. i immediately thought it was odd that he agreed to meet me for lunch. i wondered how long they had been seeing each other. my guess is that it was somewhat serious if they were taking a day trip to meet her family.

i was also overcome with gratefulness because i was going to ask him why he never called me back or if he was interested in me and tell him that i enjoyed spending time together last summer as well and ask if he wanted to hang out some more. and i wanted to act on physical impluses i had, and i felt like he would be receptive to those advances.

i'm glad i was spared the humiliation of bringing anything up, but seriously, why did he have to drop a g-bomb on me like that?

post script: i bring this up now because this boy also happens to be a long time patient at the dentist office where i work and he was in for an appointment today and holy shit he looked way cute. black shoes, cut-off knee length jean shorts, red t-shirt that accented his slender build. new glasses, new tattoos, clean smile. i didn't even realize it was him at first. i was breaking down a room that had windows facing the street and some one walking by caught the corner of my eye. i saw this person walk into the front office, and turns out it was the boy from last summer.

this one goes out to all the ugly girls in the room!

Current mood:can’t quite put my finger on it.

i went to see a show two years ago at the new creepy crawl, and the band performing actually said, "this next one goes out to all the ugly girls in the room! where are all the ugly girls? get up here!"

the band was actually very good. i was way into their sound, their stage energy, lyrics. i got their new cd and received a sticker and button with my purchase. i still listen to that record a lot, the button is one of the few i have left because every time i go to a show that gets a little rowdy, i leave a button lighter. i look forward to when i am able to see them perform again.

i was at a point in my life when shit was really starting to hit the fan, and i was shutting myself off from friends. i stopped smiling, stopped going out and drinking and being social with the usual suspects at the usual hangouts. i even promised myself that i would stand up to a fear of heights with the final act of jumping off the eads bridge and get sucked into the icy undertow if things didn't improve by such-and-such date. even though i didn't know it at the time, i was a short time from leaving st. louis, to a bigger city of new opportunities and possibilities, and i wanted to run up to that stage, too, and hold my own, singing along, one fist in the air, with all the other ugly girls in the club amongst a sea of rambunctious hardcore boys.

i feel like i am a weird combination of a girl who seems to exude self-confidence to the point that she is often told she is unapproachable and intimidating, and of a girl who masks a lack of confidence with acceptance of things that she knows cannot change by overly-projecting a sense of self confidence.

i also have a more difficult time expressing myself with words, either written or spoken, than i do with actions. if a situation is favorable, i like to bake treats or bring snacks. in the past i would paint a picture or make a mix tape, although i haven't made one since 2006. i found out the person that i made it for didn't like it, and i went to his house and i stole it back. it was just sitting on the counter in the kitchen. if the situation is unfavorable, i will often withdraw into myself to avoid upsetting others. if pressed, i can really start to spit nails. i am very impulsive, spiteful, stubborn, and brash. i have also been told that i have a huge heart. i know this deep down, but its so much easier to focus on negative aspects. my mom always told me that no one would ever love me if i couldn't learn to love myself. i have always hated hearing that because the truth is that i hate myself.

i really have no idea where i am going with this blog. don't mistake the content for a difficult day, because the truth is that i am still on a roll...five in a row, baby! wed was good, thurs was good, fri was freakin' awesome! work went really well. i came home and found four bags of microwave popcorn on a shelf in my room and took them over to a friend's house to drink busch beer and watch weeds season 3.

yesterday was saturday and i went to the gym and then to deluxe. came home and made satisfying homemade pizza with the rest of the teese cheese.

today is sunday. the day got a little long, but i went to the gym this morning, checked out some books at the library, corresponded with some more people on craigslist, had a good conversation with a girl from work who i like. she even said there was a light-hearted tone to my voice that had been missing a while. tonight i went to the store. there was a sale on a brand of cookies that i like...two for $6!! looking back i should have purchased four not two, because i know those cookies don't stand a chance staying in this house long! there was also a sale on strawberries and a brownie mix.

tomorrow is monday. i have plans to go to the botanical gardens with the hygienist this week, so that is light at the end of my tunnel for this week. then next week is a trip to milwaukee and mauled by tigers. then more tattoos, heading back to stl for karen's party, and then moving. i haven't decided on a place for sure yet, but i know i am making a good move. it's a little farther to work, but nowhere i still can't bike to/from. the train/bus is still accessible. and opportunity to learn my way around a new neighborhood, figure out where in the store the items i want are located, patronize a different neighborhood bar and maybe meet a cute boy who is intersted in riding bikes to see a band, or staying up listening to records with me and baking brownies at 130am on a monday.

i like evanston a lot; i feel very safe here, i like the grocery store, library, gym. but what i want isn't here. i am screaming for companionship. i have had a difficult time meeting people up here, and its not like i haven't been trying. i understand that a lot of people are busy, myself included, and people my age usually already have friends and are not looking to branch out. people my age are also usually in long term committed relationships...or married! the pool of desirable prospects is ever-shrinking.

i wonder where i fall in that category. i honestly don't have any serious relationships to guage by. i dated a few boys in college, but nothing lasted more than a few months and could hardly be considered serious, or even a relationship. so then i'm left to wonder what it is that i am doing so wrong?

it lets me know i’m alive!

Current mood:unstoppable!

so far so good. two good days in a row!

yesterday i went to the beat kitchen to see some friends play and wish rich a happy birthday. i had a nice time, drank some hamm's and stopped for a spicy burrito on the way home.

the dentist was out of town today, so i got to sleep late, which was awesome! seriously, i stayed curled up under the quilt until like 1030! i can't even remember the last time that happened! my room was so dark from the blanket i use as a curtain, and the oscelating fan was circulating lots of cool air.

i responded to three ads on craigslist for roommates wanted, so that was productive. i already have plans to meet up with one of the girls on sunday to check the place out.

i went to the gym and swam 2000y in 35 min. i wonder a little lately if i am working out too much. my stomach is flatter and firmer than it has been since i stopped swimming but i feel like my arms and shoulders are starting to get a little toner/larger. i was really uncomfortable with myself physically when i was swimming competitively, but the past few years since i stopped my arms and shoulder shrunk to a size i was very pleased with. no one has said i look hoss or anything, and i know i don't, but i think i may need to cut back a little.

i feel really unstoppable right now. even if i'm not necessarily all the way in a place i want to be in my life, i'm not scared. i feel really calm about where i'm going, even if certain outcomes aren't what i would prefer, i know i will rise above. i am making changes and taking action to get to a better place physically, emotionally, mentally.

i am looking forward to fun social events in the coming weeks including fun shows such as mauled by tigers, tattoos, trips to milwaukee to sing along to ergs with cute sweaty punk rock boys in a hot basement and to south city to attend karen's 30th b-day luau.

also, the olympics for swimming start on 8.9. i am so amped!! i am anxious to see just how fast the water cube really is. i read an article about the engineering of it and it sounds amazing. the pool in athens was a freakin' joke, and the chinese have gone to great measures to build some amazing looking structures. the cube, coupled with the new lzr suits and the build up that is olympic competition, world records are going to drop like flies in beijing!

two good days in row. score one for susan!

everyone knows east coast totally pwns west coast!!

Current mood:stimulated and stimulating

saturday 3/29/08...went to reggie’s to see the copyrights, methadones, and tbr. the show was all ages, and i was surprised when i rolled in at 8pm, the copyrights were already on. i went up to the front. there were a lot of dumb ass teenagers there, but at least a lot of people were into their set and singing along. i still don’t know the songs from the new record. this situation needs to be remedied quickly.

after the set i went to the bar to get a beer and ran into funberg who was getting change for the merch guys. i also ran into the same boy who i danced with at the show in january. he asked if i remembered him, and i said, "of course i do...you were wearing a red shirt." his name is dave and he lives close by me. i am interested in hanging out with him some more and figuring if he is some one i could get excited about.

tbr played last and again, the place went nuts!! dave and i danced again up front and sang all the songs. i could not believe how freaking tight those songs were! there were some pleasant surprises...they played a sack song, another way, and all the staples from total and warning device. a lot of people were into it and the energy was high. tbr encored with two songs. i don’t remember what the first one was, but the second was veronica. i was stoked b/c i love that song and in fact i was shouting for it the whole set. but i thought it was an odd song to finish with. i just don’t think its strong enough to be the last song of a set or of an encore.

after the show, i was hanging out with funberg and aaron rushmore and some other people and there was some kind of altercation b/n tbr and aaron about some thrown water when aaron got kicked in the face during the tbr set. at first it was awkward to watch/listen, but then it was so absurd i found it humorous. but i was also confused, b/c i threw three beers up there on purpose and no said a thing to me!! ha!

after that bs we went to the attached bar. funberg and i bought beers and right away brett called and said they were leaving, so the beers were put into pockets and we went outside and got in the van to ride to oak park.

all in all, a good night of solid music, meeting some one new, and staying up too late and enjoying the pleasant company of old friends.

friday 4/4/08...ergs! played the khyber in philly. the house was packed to the walls!! and the show was so much fun!! lots of singing along and dancing up front with cute sweaty east coast boys. the ergs do not disappoint me. weston was there for a reunion show. i had never heard them before, but i enjoyed their set, too. those songs were catchly as hell and the crowd was really into them.

the beer was cold and of the cheap variety. oh yeah, and whisky happened. spoke a lot with mike erg and some other boys named erik and asher. hung out with jay insult (and smoked cigarettes?) i found jay to be quite a pleasant person and in possession of an aggreable personality.

i also bought a ergs shirt. its black with blue print and its cut for girls. i think it looks way cute. i wore it to the show the next day. it smells AWFUL right now.

saturday 4/5/08...i went to eat at govinda’s with jay. they were closed, so we sat outside and waited. the weather was gorgeous. a little overcast, but pleasant temperature. got our satisfying fake cheeze steak sandwiches and headed to the station.

took a train to baltimore. charm city...i found it totally lived up to it’s nickname. i walked around a lot. beautiful weather...i actually took my hoodie off for a bit. lots of fountains and monuments. lush green grass and cherry trees in full white/pink blooms. found myself in the red light district for a hot minute. joined the patheon of morons. went to the museum of dentistry. sat outside at a pub and had a sandwich and beers until they told me i had to leave. headed to the sidebar tavern. copyrights were there waiting to load in. hung out. funberg made me laugh with his wimpy impression.

the sidebar was a pretty alright club, i guess. they had beers for cheap, but it was frustrating that pbr and yuengling ran dry before the first band was even done playing. the stage was only one step up from the floor, so when i got pushed, i went right into the band. i don’t like when that happens, but i also know that i don’t go to shows to rock out comfortably in the back of the room.

i did try a local cheap staple called natural bohemien, which is referred to as natty boh. i approve. it was a reliable light pilsner. i will definitely indulge again when in baltimore.

five bands were on the bill, with ramrod playing first. i actually liked their sound a lot. i’m a fan of the raspy voice and songs that are played in minor keys/drop tuning. didn’t watch the rockvilles but hung out in the merch booth with funberg and some other people.

watched a good set from dead mechanical. went up front for the copyrights. was pleasantly surprised when they played four eyes, and a different set than last week. both sets were good and i liked the songs, but it was a treat to hear different songs at different shows close together. found the baltimore crowd to be quite the weaksauces. i did get the new cd, so now i can learn the songs.

tbr played last, and their set started off really well. i love seeing them live and hearing kody’s voice. the baltimore crowd got into it a little more, but i still thought people were lame. maybe i’m just spoiled from the killer chicago shows as of recent. same as the copyrights, tbr mixed it up a little bit from the set at reggie’s. didn’t play any sack songs or another way, nor did they get through the whole set. during a-bomb, the mics started to feedback and they totally stopped and freaked the fuck out and were yelling for a soundguy. they just stood up on the stage holding their ears and yelling for a soundguy! finally some one came up and unplugged the mics and the feedback stopped. then tbr said, "we’re done" and walked off. i thought it was kinda fucked. the performance up to that point was incredible and the songs were still so tight and fast and loud, its unfortunate that it ended that way. they are one of my favorites, and i really like listening to them and going to see them play and singing along!

after the show, went to matt’s house with copyrights. slept on the floor, which is not a problem. i’m just glad it was FREE! got covered in cat hair but miraculously didn’t sneeze. baltimore was experiencing rainy weather conditions this morning. slept the whole way back to chicago. i totally reeked when i got home. but the sun is out, and the temp is currently above 50 degrees F. i am going to walk to the lake and continue on with all this living i’ve got to do!

holy chicago!

Current mood:my face hurts

tbr, copyrights, and chinese telephones played here last night, i am still AMPED from the show!

first time at reggie's, and i thought it was a great venue. in a little bit of a shady part of town. only three blocks walk from the chinatown redline stop, but i rather thought they were a rough three blocks. busch tall cans were available at a reasonable price, so points plus for that. lots of space and a balcony area and the sound was phenomenal.

i was surprised that stage diving/crowd surfing was allowed there. especially since during tbr one little guy was dropped and passed out cold and taken away in an ambulance. although the bouncer at one point did come up on stage with a bullhorn and announce that throwing beer cans was not allowed. whoops!! i threw the first can. jess threw one, too, and pat got blamed and kicked out!

friends from st. louis and from carbondale were in attendance, and seeing them and talking and hanging out was a lot of fun.

i arrived during the first band and didn't really pay attention. i bought a drink and started looking for people i knew. saw wipfler standing a head over everyone else.

i was a little disappointed with the chinese telephones set. they played second, and i heard a lot of mistakes. they just seemed to be off.

the copyrights played third and delivered a solid set. little carl and i did a lot of heckling in the front and sang along to all the songs. lots of dancing. the songs sounded really good...i am very much looking forward to purchasing the new cd.

tbr played last. holy chicago! that set was probably the best set i have seen in a long time by anyone!! the crowd went absolutely nuts!! i was at the back edge of the pit singing and dancing with a boy in a red shirt. we had a nice time. the sound guy did an amazing job, and the vocals sounded so powerful but not overmodulated. the energy was high, the songs were solid, the setlist was a good mix of older stuff from total and of course the new material.

i'm glad i purchased the new cd before so i knew all the words. i can't decide what my favorite track is...nuthouse, pacemaker, on my own, social life, totally stupid. they are all great songs for different reasons. i really like kody's vocals on welcome to the nuthouse, and i like the lyrics to pacemaker and on my own. totally stupid is just a fun party song.

after the show, i went to the attached bar to continue socializing with stl/cdale. we had a few more beers and lots of peanuts.

after last call, i ended up driving back to my house with wipfler, kim, and jess, but not before we got ambushed by bums on the street. the best one was the midgit dave calls "orpheus", who was carrying around a spiral notebook and was referring to dave as "too tall." he had a funny personality and no front teeth.

a second bum followed us into the pizza parlor. he kept talking about gangbangin' and dave gave him 50 cents and old boy was like, "how about $5?"

there was also a creepy woman in a yellow hoodie that was stalking pat at the show and then the bar. as we were all trying to pile into the car to leave and snow is falling everywhere and i didn't know where the wipers or lights were on kim's car, old girl comes out of nowhere and is standing outside the car peering into the driver's side window. dave finally folded himself into the backseat and we got the fuck back to the northside.

i passed out once i got home, but the others stayed up for a bit and watched beavis and butthead vhs tapes i had purchased from timelife video a long time ago.

i was a little hungover when i woke up this morning, which surprised me b/c i had five beers, spaced out over five hours, and i had stopped over two hours before i went to sleep. jess, kim, dave, and i went to eat at clark's this morning before they headed back home. jess picked up my meal as thanks for the hospitality.

the evening was a lot of fun, and i am still excited about the music that i saw performed. even tbr said up on stage that that was probably the best show they played.

i am smiling.

operation: steal the mic

Current mood:wasting time

how i spent my winter vacation:

took amtrak to stl on dec 24th. arrived in stl on dec 25th at 1am. stayed up with weiner dog and young loud scotty until about 4am playing video games.

dec25th - extended family came over for a few hours. no football games were watched, which was a pleasant change from holidays past. mattmike showed up with the tofurkey. i brought the cupcakes and brownies. the weiner dog attacked my pregnant cousin sara the second she walked in the door. i think he senses that her and i butt heads, and well, he's my dog...but really, how much damage can a ten pound ankle-biter do?

went to see no country for old men with karen that night. met up with four other people for drinks in dogtown. nice company and conversation.

dec26th - carbondale for tattoooooooos!! octopus looks badass. its only outlined and shaded in purple/black. its scabbed over right now and itches like hell. i have difficulty keeping it moisturized this time of year.

dec 27th - headed to philly. ate at govinda's. got intoxicated at the kyber. no smoking in bars in philly....total!

dec28th - asbury park, nj surprised me. i thought new jersey was all toxic wasteland and a bruce springsteen 1985 time warp. but the shoreline where i was was beautiful. majestic victorian-style beach houses. i saw two lesbians with two weiner dogs running in the the sand and surf and eight hardcore surfers in full body wetsuits trying to catch a few before sunset.

dined at a place called sister sue's. vegan trinidad and tobaggo cuisine. interesting.

went to the stone pony to see ergs! and bouncing souls. ergs sounded solid, but again it was weird seeing them in a larger venue up on a stage behind a barricade. the sound was good, though, but not enough people dancing. bouncing souls set...slightly disappointing. two dudes were holding up cue cards to text pete and i assume that they were then playing the texted requests. so of course the set didn't flow at all and contained mostly newer material that i was unfamiliar with. they played shark attack, which is the only time they have ever played that song live.

the stone pony was an alright venue as far a larger clubs go. they had a food window, and the menu included veggie burgers and super pretzels. the beer on special was yungeling (sp?). not bad. i guess that is east coast's version on old style. the best part was the fireplace! i sat on the hearth and warmed my backside and socailized with some people i met from delaware and also two girls from manhattan.

no smoking in bars in new jersey...total! also, in jersey, pumping ones own gas is against the law!! unbelievable!

dec 29th - went to seaside heights to see the ergs play at the ortley beach police sub-station with six hardcore bands. i couldn't even make something like that up. i felt very uncomfortable. but the show was entertaining. i left during an equipment malfunction during the second band and headed out to get some pizza. the town was a total beach town and pretty much deserted, but i found a place, and the owners were very nice and accomadating and did not skimp on the pineapples.

filled up on pizza and headed back to the show. saw two fights....hardcore boys...i swear!! ergs finally played. it was awesome to see them again in a smaller, diy venue. the people who were there went crazy, singing along and dancing. the set was a lot of fun, and included covers of lineoleum, screaming at a wall, and fuck christmas.

dec 30th - headed back to philly and hung out with jay stein all day. we ate at sabrina's and went to the art museum. went to a whole foods and found those cookies i have been looking for for so long...the oatmeal raisan ones with icing in the middle. i bought two. passed out quite early.

dec 31st - headed to colorado for tbr and the nobodys for a new year's eve show. felt incredibly awkard, but the show was a lot of fun. the venue was way small, and there was only maybe forty people there, and we were all crammed into that room! but it was nice seeing tbr in a smaller venue like that. they played a long time, sounded great, encored, and just seemed to be having a good time. they played a lot of songs from total and also a lot of the new material, which was nice. i bought the new cd. i'm listening to it right now. the nobodys also played a long set and sounded good. beer in colorado is incredibly cheap. old style was there, which surprised me. i indulged until it was sold out, and then switched to pints of pbr.

no smoking in bars in colorado springs...total!

the trip was worth my time and money. mostly spent time alone, which is not really a problem for me. i was glad that i took action to do something that i wanted to do instead of sit around in winterwonderland and bitch about everything.

jan 1st - returned to chicago. a temp of 6 degrees and four inches of snow was waiting for me. no smoking in bars in chicago anymore...total!!