I've been struggling. I'm swinging from depression to mania again. And the interval has been tightening up. I was depressed as fuck yesterday, fantasizing about suicide again. I'm not going to go through with it, I know that my brain is just telling me fucked up shit and that will pass. Today I'm wild, ready to go on a bender, or burn down the house and move overseas. Jason is going to Vegas for a work conference in October. I can go as well if I want to, which I had been considering since I already took that week off work. We were supposed to go on a cruise, but had to cancel because of the conference. At first, I was going to go to Vegas with him, then I decided that I didn't want to put myself in temptation's path. I was plotting how I was going to be sneaky about terrible shit that would be make me feel ashamed and guilty and be disappointing to Jason. And then there's the whole gambling thing, which if I'm being real, gambling isn't just about money and cards at the casino, its about a lot of different types of risky behaviors that I like for different reasons. So, I decided that I didn't want to go. Now, I'm back to thinking that I want to go. I'm just all over the place right now. I'm trying to keep myself busy, have been working seven days a week between the two offices, teaching on the weekends, and working on some other projects. It really does help me to be busy to keep my brain occupied.
This is my current obsession. Have been down some major wormholes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEYCoSrLPrE&list=RDnEYCoSrLPrE&start_radio=1
